Hey everybody!! And welcome to another thriller chiller in Manila! Another epic rumble in the jungle. Humble in the tumble, and ramble in the bramble!! This year I’ve committed to at least acknowledging most major Holidays. Now with Halloween poking it’s creepy head around the corner I thought why not do a three parter on Halloween Costumes!! So without further ado here is part 1!
Halloween Part 1
Costumes That Will Guarantee I Won’t Talk to You at Parties
There are many kinds of costumes and most of them are entirely harmless. Some of them are awesome, and some of them stink. Most people make their Halloween costumes at home or just spend a few bucks to put together something funny/cool/whatever. And I’m fine with you people, I’m not gonna sit here and judge people on a budget or people who are lazy (like me.) Do the best you can, that’s fine. This list is for the people who run out and by a costume, cause if you’re buying a costume you’re choosing to invest your money into that costume as opposed to something cooler like another costume or food for a week or something like that. So if you show up in these costumes (all taken from the first page of Amazon.com’s Halloween shop) I will definitely not talk to you.
(Editor’s Note: WordPress keeps deleting the pictures we’re trying to post. No idea what’s going on there. So you’re just going to have to rely on Micah’s innate writing talent and ability to accurately describe what’s going on in his head at any given point… yeah… this isn’t gonna work at all.)
A Man Sized Penguin
A brief snippet of conversation:
Me: “Umm… hey… man. So… you really like Penguins huh?”
Penguin-man: “Yup! Love them!!”
Me: “Good… good. Well I’m gonna go find ummm… my face. I think I left it over there by those cool people not dressed as penguins.
Here’s the thing, I don’t want to stand next to a giant talking penguin with a creepy man-face-hole. I have no desire at all to be seen with you. You and your little booty feet. I enjoy watching penguins in the zoo but never has it once occurred to me “man I wish I could look like a penguin and hang out at a party. Plus how are you supposed to eat anything? You have no hands! What is the point of going to a party at all if not to partake in delicious vaguely fall themed candy?
And in a continuation of the creepy animal themed thing:
The Giant man sized Giraffe
At least real penguins are cute. At their best giraffes are… interesting. In sort of a weird creepy kind of way where you wonder what weird motions they have to go through to pick up loose change from the ground. But no one really looks at a giraffe and goes “man I wish I could be more like a giraffe. That my kneck were disproportiante to the rest of my body and I had to do the splits just to drink from a passing stream!”
The Duck Dynasty Guy (you should be able to conjure up some image of this show. If not just envision your Unle Eggbert with a bigger beard and less self awareness)
First off I do not understand the Duck Dynasty thing. As near as I can tell it’s just a bunch of weird people standing around in front of a camera saying hick things at eachother. I don’t need to watch that on TV. I want to watch people on TV saying things MORE intelligent than the stuff people on the side of the road say, not less. Anyway: whatever, if you want to come as a person from Duck Dynasty that’s fine. But do you really need to buy a full costume for that?? Don’t you have a grungy shirt and a pair of jeans that are worn through? I mean all you really need to pull this look off is to buy a fake beard and not shower for several weeks and you’re good.
Gumby (yes… that Gumby)
Yeah… you’re rocking out that creepy, semi popular Claymation thing from the seventies… well done for you. Now go stand over there please. No one is interested in anything you have to contribute to any conversation. Just go stand over there and look flexible and poorly animated. Go on.
The Headless Horseman
I have no problem with going to a party as the Headless Horseman, in fact I would strongly encourage it, but why would you go as a generic Amazon headless horseman when you could go as this one?
The Man in the Yellow Hat (Bright Yellow Addition)
No one should have to look at this much yellow. Ever. This is like staring directly into the sun if the sun owned a small monkey and propagated various misadventures by taking that monkey strange places and then not paying attention to it despite the obvious chance of it running away. … that analogy kind of got away from me at the end there.
Buddy the Elf (from Elf.. the movie)
I loathe everything about this movie… Okay so Zooey Deschanel was in it and now she’s in New Girl but other than that I loathe everything about it. I had a scarring four weeks the Christmas this came out on DVD when I was forced to watch it four times over the space of five separate Christmas parties and since then the sight of Will Ferrel in a charming green hat has caused my brain to make a desperate escape attempt out of my left ear. I’m only able to look at this costume cause I’ve Duct tape the left side of my head to a soothing tape of Stephen Frye reciting the plot points of the Dark Knight.
Here’s the thing: I have no problem with you wearing this. The reason I won’t talk to you while you wear this is that every two minutes someone who thinks they’re funny is gonna come up and say “found you!!” and then laugh hysterically at themsevles for four minutes. Trust me: this is a bad bad idea.
Anything Having to do with you being a huge food item.
I don’t care how funny it sounds to go to a party dressed as a giant taco, or a huge sandwhich. I promise you no one will find it as funny as you do. Or funny at all.
So there you have it guys! I promise this article worked much better when I submitted it and we thought you’d be able to see the costumes but I am beginning to suspect my editor of deliberate sabatoge of this site. Check back Thursday when we look at some more costumes (hopefully this time actually able to see them)