Hey everybody!! Well it’s that time of year again! The leaves are turning, the weather is chilly, and Greenday has their alarms set for 12:01 (none of you will get that.) It’s fall! Which means fall movies, punpkin spice latte’, and my tiny body dropping into a nearly permanent state of hypothermia!! But take heart friends, September is over, the worst movies are past, the dawn is coming and Eggnog will be back in stores soon!
That message of hope spread, let’s look at the movies of October!!
Gravity – 10/3
George Clooney and Sandra Bullock get together to try and remind us why Sandra Bullock won an academy award. The movie looks surprisingly good and features Sandra Bullock as a mostly inept scientist lady who gets lost in space and George Clooney playing “George Clooney the Astronaut” trying to save her. Sounds like a winner to me!! Go watch this movie everyone… cause this is pretty much it.
Argento’s Dracula 3D – 10/4
Not only does this movie have the dreaded “3D” in it but it also features the words “director’s daughter” as one of the lead characters. I’m not saying the children of directors can’t be in movies I’m just saying you probably shouldn’t start there. Allow me to illustrate with a brief story.
Editor’s Note: You have NO reason to read the following story. It is not brief and has nothing to do with anything. I’m sorry.
When I was but a lad, with a lot of lad leadings and leanings, I played baseball for the Pepsi Giants. We were technically speaking Pepsi 2 (Pepsi 1 being comprised of older kids who were “better at baseball” and Pepsi 2 being comprised of younger kids who “sucked”) but we actually played pretty well! In fact when the time came for the last game of the season we were TIED for first with Pepsi 1. If we won our last game we would actually be in first place and on our way to the playoffs but if we lost our final game we would all go home and develop self-loathing issues that would lead to complicated adult problems like “depression” and “starting a blog.”
Editor’s Note: Seriously though, get out now.
The last game of the season came and in the last inning we were ahead by 3 runs! Unfortunately the bases were loaded with 2 outs but that was okay, all we needed to do was get an out and not let all the runners score. Easy, no problem. And sure enough there batter stepped up to the plate and hit a high fly ball right to our first baseman, Sean. Sean the First Baseman was the best player on our team. If you could have picked one guy on our team to catch a pop-up it would have been Sean. So I stood at shortstop and watched Sean leisurely camp under the ball while I dreamed of the playoffs, and the loads of attractive single girls who one day would not care about the fact that I had made the playoffs when I was 10.
But what’s this? Our outfielder (Bernie) was running in from the outfield telling Sean “I got it!” Bernie was the worst player on our team. In fact the only reason Bernie was on the team was because he was the coach’s son. Bernie would regularly spend entire practices standing in the outfield attempting to burp the ABC’s or figure out which type of grass tasted the best, but here he was racing in from the outfield gloved raised yelling “I got it!” Sean was a nice guy, a really really nice guy so he did what any nice guy would do and stepped out of the way to let Bernie catch what was an easy fly ball. After all, you could have glued a baseball glove to a blind mole rat and it could have made the catch. You could have put your glove on the ground and done the chicken dance and the glove of its own accord probably would have made the catch. So not even Bernie could mess up that catch right?
Nope. Bernie stood there while the ball hit his glove and ROLLED out of it. Didn’t bounce, or spring, or even escape it just sort of moseyed. Calmly strolled out of his glove with a “beg your pardon” while Bernie stood there probably calculating the amount of dirt he could fit in his back pocket at once. While all this was going on everyone on base was running around the bases and scoring. By the time Bernie had finished not catching the ball and had remembered to pick up the ball (this took several seconds) we had lost the game. And were out of playoffs. And this all happened because Bernie was the coach’s son. Just like—Umm… wait what was I talking about?
Oh yeah, so obviously the Director’s daughter in this movie can’t catch. — I think.
Editor’s note: told you.
Captain Phillips – 10/11
The true story of how Tom Hanks’ career slowly slipped into irrelevancy. Wait no—I mean the true story of an American shipped that was high jacked somewhere out in the ocean, by some pirates looking for Johnny Depp. It’s actually got pretty good reviews but what was the last good Tom Hanks movie you watched? Castaway? And let’s remember that he was out-acted in that movie by a volleyball covered in his own blood so… yeah.
Romeo and Juliet – 10/11
Yet another take on Shakespeare’s classic play this movie seems to play things pretty close to the original version from what I can tell. They didn’t set it in modern day Florida, or the Stone Age, or the fiery meadows of the sun and I can respect that. Sometimes you just need to go back to the basics and it seems that’s what the makers of this particular movie are doing. It’s not a must see per se but if you’re up for some good Shakespeare this might be the place to find it (assuming you’ve already watched Much Ado About Nothing as done by Joss Whedon).
Carrie – 10/18
The remake nobody asked for finally arrives for another chance to slightly freak out a new generation of watchers who haven’t already watched the original. Sure it’s got Chloe Moretz and the shambling corpse of Julianne Moore’s acting career but we’ve seen this. Unpopular, popular, pigs blood, screamy psychic death. That’s Carrie for you. See I just saved you ten dollars.
Escape Plan – 10/18
A movie starring Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenager, and the ghost of a hundred cheesy 90’s movies, Escape Plan tells the story of two guys in prison and the plan they come up with to escape. If you like watching old guys pretending to be young guys (all the while making winky faces at the camera while joking about how old they are) this is the movie for you!
The Counselor – 10/25
The Counselor is a movie starring a lot of famous people including (but not limited to) Brad Pitt, Javier Bardem, Michael Fassbender, and the incredibly in denial about their respective ages Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz. Basically someone is a lawyer and something illegal happens, and the official synopsis uses the word “dalliance” so that’s got to be a good sign right? Seriously though, this could be a good movie or it could be a long slogging affair where each of the big name actors does their best to get nominated for an Oscar every time the camera is on them. Frankly, my money is more on the second.
So there you go guys, that’s October. Not great but hey it’s better than September and that’s got to count for something right? Watch Gravity, and from there you’re on your own!