Hey everyone and welcome to another thrilling episode of: Weekly Headlines!!
In our lead story today Benedict Cumberbatch WILL be in the next Star Wars movie!!! Oh wait… nope nope. In our second lead story, Benedict Cumberbatch will NOT be in Star Wars. – Wait hang on… in our for real lead LEADING pencil-lead story, Cumberbatch is definitely in Star Wars and will be joined on film by the Abominable Snowman, Gumby, and Marvin the one eyed Yeti from the Future. I promise. No for realsies. I know a guy who knows a girl who is a table lamp who works at Disney and she totally saw a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch with the words “Bitty baby Darth Vader” written underneath it.
Dancing with the Stars premiered this week featuring large numbers of minor celebrities like: That-Girl-Who-Used-to-be-on-Glee, Probably-the-least-interesting-person-ever-in-the-World Snooki, Probably-a-Football-Player, and Bill Nye the Science Guy. Unfortunately, I am not making that last one up.
Disney announced that they’re pushing back the release date for their upcoming Pixar movie “The Good Dinosaur.” They are also delaying their releases of The Bad Lettuce, The Okay Lizard, and the Moderately Evil Pony from Hades.
Kelsey Grammar recently signed on to be in Expendables 3. At this point the Expendables series has pretty much become the retirement home for every person who was filmed for any reason in the 1980’s.
Insidious: Chapter 2 took the top spot in the box office. Or (more accurately) of the ten people who went to watch movies this week, 6 of them saw Insidious: Chapter 2 for reasons no human could ever hope to understand.
1 of those people also saw Disney’s Planes a movie that was literally glued together from parts of Cars and Cars 2 that weren’t good enough to be in those bad to moderately okay movies.
Roland Emmerich made some announcements this week about Indepenance Day 2 this week. As though the one thing that world needed was another sequel to an okay but poorly structured alien movie in which Alien ships hover over important buildings for unclear reasons and then get blown up by Will Smith.
Thor 2 reportedly called in Joss Whedon to do some rewrites on the script. This is like taking a delicious candy bar that’s dipped in peanut butter and then replacing the candy wrapper with a bajillion dollar bill, like taking a delivery pepperoni pizza and using DVD copies of The Dark Knight as the pizza box.
And in a late addition to the news today: I watched the first Episode of Sleepy Hollow!! It was pretty good. The story seems interesting and it kind of looks like they have a basic idea of what they want to do. As a general policy I try not to completely judge shows based on the pilot. Pilots are a pain to write cause you have to try and do a backstory, a forestory, a mid-story, all in the time of a regular episode. Sleepy Hollow did more than enough to make me watch episode two. That and the headless horseman looks awesome, fires machine guns and wields what basically amounts to a lightsaber-ax so… that’s good.
Thanks for reading everyone and come on back in next week for more partying more pizza-ing, and more vague insults to Snooki!