Hey everyone, so… I’m still sick. Very sick. And tired. And not like your mom sick and tired when she was just upset about your room and was “sick and tired” of asking you to clean up. I’m mostly just sick. And also (in a somewhat unrelated story) tired. Never the less though here I am, sitting up and typing on a keyboard for the sake of you two or three people who actually read this blog. So this is for you two people. This is for you.
Umm… I can’t think of anything.
K bye two people!! See you next week!!
Oh fine. I’ll write about something. Let’s talk about… September!! What will be in theaters? What won’t be in theaters? And what should be in theaters? Well I’m definitely not answering those last two questions but here are some September films that will be coming to theaters which may or may not be near you!
I Am Breathing: I have no idea what this movie is about but it sounds super boring. Couldn’t literally any living person make this movie? Wouldn’t a much more interesting movie be “I’m Not Breathing.” I’m just saying when a half asleep/mostly dead person can come up with a better title for your movie maybe it’s time you considered a career change.
Riddick: Vin Diesel takes another shot at making a good Riddick movie! The first Riddick movie achieved “pretty good” status but the ending was depressing and for most of the film Riddick wasn’t murdering people so I didn’t see any reason to go way overboard. Then there was “Riddick 2: Wait, Who Gave Us This Money?” a three hour movie with about thirty minutes of really really cool stuff, twenty minutes of decently cool stuff, and 45 minutes of really confusing space debates about the ownership of property and the meaning of life… or something. And then the end was both depressing and confusing. With the third entry in the series it looks like Riddick is going for more of the feel of the first film (a very good idea) while keeping some of the cool fighting scenes from the second film. We’ll see what happens but I’m actually decently optimistic.
Jayne Mansfields Car: … wait seriously? This is a movie? Is it about Jayne’s car? From the perspective of her car? I’m confused.
Insidious Chapter 2: If you liked the mildly bland horror and gross out effects of Insidious you’ll go crazy for the partially copied SUPER bland horror of Insidious Chapter 2!! Bring some old folks because this movie actually IS your grandma’s horror movie!
Newlyweeds: No really. Someone made this movie.
Battle of the Year 3D: They know “3D” isn’t a year right? I mean come on I can’t think of a worse way to use the term “3D” then at the end of a sentence that doesn’t even make sense.
The Wizard of Oz 3D: Nevermind. I found a worse way to use it.
Baggage Claim: Just what we needed. A movie about a ton of very tired people staring at bags that probably don’t belong to them. Woot.
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2: Hey another movie that could be good! The sequel to the somewhat under-appreciated Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (somewhat obviously) CCM 2 looks like a funny return to the world introduce in the first film. CCM was a movie that didn’t take itself very seriously which when you’re talking about giant food falling from the sky, works out pretty well. Definitely check out this movie, it’ll be worth it.
Well there you go folks. September. At least we won’t have to worry about blowing our budgets on theater tickets huh? I mean unless you’re one of the six fans of the Riddick franchise there’s really only one movie that’s even going to be a little bit worth your time! So save that money folks, getting a pig and start a bank in it or something! For my part, I will see you: next week.