Hey everyone! So just so you know straight off as I sit here tonight staring into the endless whiteness of this computer screen four ninjas are playing the Canadian anthem inside of my skull with drumsticks. As such this blog will be short and either hilariously funny, or just the random musings of a person who mostly can’t remember what his last sentence was about. You’re guess is as good as mine.
Let’s find out shall we?
Box Office Top Ten 8/19/13
(as always these are the box office results from last week ranked from worst to first.
10. The Wolverine
Still hanging on to the number 10 slot despite multiple much larger openings is the Wolverine! Wow, it’s almost like this movie can’t die!!! Ha ha ha ha—yeah this is gonna be a rough blog.
You should see it because: it’s Wolverine. The sweetest of sweet super heroes. The cherry on top of the x-men universe. The first drop of dew on a cool summers mustache.
Number 9: The Smurfs 2
Somehow this movie got made AND people watched it. People with drivers licenses and jobs where people PAY them to THINK. Now my head hurts and I’m depressed. Thanks Smurfs.
You should see it because: you have lost all hint of self-worth.
Number 8: 2 Guns
A movie that actually did pretty well and has gotten decent reviews, 2 Guns is this year’s buddy cop movie success. You know what you’re getting going into it and that’s pretty much what you get. The McDonalds of this week’s box office, it won’t change your life but it will leave you walking out feeling filmically satisfied.
You should see it because: I just wrote the term “filmically satisfied” which up until this point did not exist. I brought words into existence to describe this movie. Yeah… think about that.
Number 7: Jobs
A movie about Steve Jobs starring Ashton Kutcher who actually looks less like Steve Jobs then I do. Also: Ashton Kutcher. Not surprisingly, the movie has got very good reviews which is like saying a soup that primarily starred a Stop Sign was not well received by soup-eaters.
You should see it because: You like soup?
Number 6: Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
The sequal to a movie that came out several years ago, Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters is a movie about Percy Jackson… and a Sea… with some Monsters in it. I assume. The general consensus seemed to be that if you liked the first movie you’ll like this one so… I guess if you were one of those six people you’re good to go (sorry Lydia.)
You should see it because: You’re Lydia!
Number 5: Planes
A movie that is “based on the world of cars” but is about “planes.” Which seemed like a good idea right up until someone stood up in a meeting and said “So… do we have like… a story idea or are we just doing this to cash in on the people who liked cars?”
You should see it cause: Well… it’s not Smurfs 2.
Number 4: Kick Ass 2
Way to many number 2’s going on this week. You know how much extra finger energy I spend reaching up to the 2 key? Anyway, the first Kick-ass was a movie I really tried to watch cause everyone was saying how “realistic” it was but mostly I just found it to be kind of a dumb interpretation that was far too busy being happy about how “gritty” it was being and forgot to actually make a good movie in the process.
You should see it because: Umm… yeah… you probably shouldn’t.
Number 3: Elysium
A movie starring Matt Damon and the ghost of Jodi Foster’s acting career, Elysium tells the story of a dystopian futuristic society in which Matt Damon still totally has a Boston accent for some reason. They say this is actually a good movie and I would totally say something positive about it except for the fact that my head hurts and my positivity is broken.
You should see it because: It’s one of the few movies this week that I’m actually considering watching.
Number 2: We’re the Millers
A comedies… whatever happened to you? We’re the Millers has something to do with a group of people smuggling drugs and pretending to be a family all the while. From the trailers I can tell you that this movie is exactly as funny as that last sentence.
You should see it because: You feel like your IQ is just a little too high and want to force some brain cells to commit suicide.
Number 1: Lee Daniels’ The Butler
I’m actually required by law to type out “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” every time I talk about “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” See there was a court case where “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” and another movie fought over the rights to be called “The Butler” and “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” lost the court case to that other movie “The Butler.” Anyway, “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” stars Oprah from the popular TV show “Oprah Winfrey’s The Opera Show” which used to air on “Oprah Winfrey’s Opera Network” at Oprah-o’clock every day.
You should see it because: you like saying “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” and sounding pretentious.
And there you have it everyone! Thanks for reading and suffering through my headache with me! I’ll see you Thursday!