The Wolverine

Posted: August 8, 2013 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , ,

So I must start this post with a sincere apology to you Jed McGrew. And to any other random McGrews, McGoos, or Cesspools who happen to read this site. Monday was a crazy day and my awesome wife took me on a surprise trip to Charlotte last weekend and thus I had far FAR greater things to do then write a blog for you McGrew people. Anyway though, here I am sage and sound and ready to do that thing I said I was going to do. That thing called:

 Micah Reviews: The Wolverine

Wolverine takes six pack abs to a whole new level.

Wolverine takes six pack abs to a whole new level.

We all know my affinity for Wolverine. I mean when my second grade English teacher (Mrs. Rathbun) asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I said “Wolverine.” For career day that year I wanted to go dressed as Wolverine but my mom wouldn’t have any of that and made me go as my second greatest career goal: Les Miserables’ Jon Val Jon.

Ha ha: no. I went as a baseball player or (as I told myself and all my friends) Wolverine disguised as a baseball player.

All that to say, I like Wolverine. I was excited about a Wolverine movie telling the story of an absolutely iconic Wolverine comic book series! So did it live up to the hype? Could this Wolverine be half as awesome as my cleverly disguised baseball player Wolverine?? Of course not. But I watched the movie anyway.

The Plot:

After “X3: We’ve Officially Run Out of Ideas,” Wolverine seems to have fallen on hard times. He sleeps in the woods, his best friend is a bear, and he has a recurring nightmare that involves him stabbing his former lady love. Which sounds a lot like my jr. high hiking camp now that I think about it… except, ya know, for the stabby thing.

Anyway, one dark and stormy night he is tracked down by some random Japanese girl named Kokomo (not her real name) and she wants to get there fast and then take it slow.

Wait, what?

Oh… sorry. Her name is Yukio and she wants to take Wolverine to meet with her employer who happens to be some guy that Wolverine knew in World War 2 (I should mention for the uninitiated that Wolverine doesn’t age and heals from any wound, in case you have somehow avoided seeing any of the promotional material for this or any other X-men movie.)

Shortly after Wolverine’s arrival his friend (Mr. Yomamoto) enters him in a karate contest and– hang on.

Shorty after Wolverine’s arrival his friend (Mr. Yashida) passes away from some horrible disease that we’re never told what it is. But just as Wolverine is about to go back to his mountain and chill with his bear friend and ghost girl (great name for one of those cutesy indie bands there, right? “Bear friend and Ghost girl” I’d buy that CD) someone attacks Mr. Yashida’s daughter and Wolverine and her beat a hasty retreat into the Japanese countryside.

Can Wolverine get to the bottom of these attacks? Will he ever be able to cope with his own gift of immortality? And why is his trusty healing factor not so trusty anymore?

The Pros:

Hugh Jackman basically IS Wolverine at this point. In my Iron Man 3 review I talked about how Robert Downey Jr is one of the few actors playing a character that only he could play in Tony Stark. Hugh Jackman is one of the other few actors with his portrayal of Wolverine. Jackman nails every bit of his performance and while Wolverine will (by virtue of who he is) never be an incredibly deep or verbose character he’ll always be worth watching as long as he’s in the capable claws of Hugh Jackman.  

The first two thirds of the movie is really well put together and paced. You care about what’s going on with Wolverine and even though I didn’t really care that much for the worthless, winy, poorly written girl he was traveling with the story between the two of them was well worth seeing.

Bullet train fight. Nuff said.

The Cons:

The woman who plays “The Viper” villain lady is face-punchingly bad. It’s like her motivation behind her every line is to be as un-subtle as possible. She can’t say “pass me the sugar” at lunch without feeling the need to cackle evilly and murder somebody with her spit.

The movie seems to lose some of it’s steam going into the last thirty minutes or so of the movie. After crafting a good narrative with believable characters and even a cool come back for Wolverine in a sweet dojo fight, the movie takes a nosedive into Ridiculousville as Wolverine makes some hilariously poor tactical decisions and then fights a giant robot. 

Hilariously poor tactical decision: “It’s a trap!” “I know, I’m going anyway” “Okay well at least since you know it’s a trap maybe you should come at them in a way they wouldn’t expect you to do if you didn’t know it was a trap.” “Nah, I’ll just walk right up to them like I don’t know it’s a trap even though I do know it’s a trap!!” “Umm… okay…”

And I’m not even talking about the whole “Wolverine walks away from a fight when he could easily win said fight so that he can get captured by Ninja’s who couldn’t have captured him otherwise” thing.

WAY to much Famke Janssen in this movie. Famke played Jean Grey in the other X-men movies and got increasingly more and more annoying as those movies went on (culmination in a hilariously awful performance in X3 that ruined the movie, her character, and several innocent broccoli’s.) She comes back in this movie and seems to be popping up around every corner to whisper haunting things at Wolverine about Death or taking out the trash or some other naggy wife typed things. I mean no wonder Wolverine is depressed, everytime he goes to sleep he’s got some dead red head passive aggressively kissing him. I’d probably go live on a mountain too.

And finally: Wolverine totally should have dated the hot red headed chick who was both more attractive AND dramatically more useful then the other girl. Dramatically.

In Conclusion:

I enjoyed The Wolverine. It lost some of it’s punch with a weak closing act but on the whole I still enjoyed the experience and would recommend it highly to any fans of the X-men world. Hugh Jackmen is a joy to watch and the story (for the most part) is tight and well told.

I give it three Wolverine claws, out of 5!!

Yes Wolverine, that many.

Yes Wolverine, that many.

Also: if you haven’t checked out my Kickstarter page please do so now!! LINK!!!

  1. Schofie says:

    I think you gave it three simply for that witty caption. 😛 haha!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s