Weekly Headlines: 7-30-13

Posted: July 30, 2013 by Micah in Weekly Headlines
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hey everyone and welcome to another gripping episode of Weekly Headlines, a not at all weekly series in which I take some random news stories and turn the bitter, acidic, venom of my own person failings upon the somewhat innocent bystanders of modern media!! Woot!!

In our lead story Kate and That-guy-who-married-Kate had a baby!! A baby who might possibly one day MANY years down the road (assuming several necessary things occur in the proper order) hold an almost entirely ceremonial position in the English Government. And everyone cared.

Netflix’s newest original series “Orange is the New Black” has been running commercials using the tagline “the scariest thing about prison is having to face your true self.” Funny, I always thought the scariest thing about prison would be the constant threat of murder, disfigurement, and being used as an ingredient in the Chef’s Special Sauce but… I guess self-discovery is scary too.

The CW is looking at possibly making a TV Series based on the largely unpopular DC Comics character: The Flash. The Flash (for those of you who don’t know) is a guy blessed with super speed, a power that is equal parts hilariously overpowered and SUPER boring to watch. “Oh no,” fans of the Flash are often quoted as saying. “I wonder how the Flash will escape this current plot peril? Will he (do you think) run really fast? Or will he… um…”

The Smurfs 2 comes out next week, further proving the theory that just cause you had a really really bad idea, doesn’t mean that you can’t have an even worse one!

The Smurfs: Cause nothing says "good movie" like masking an unnecessary sequel to a bad movie.

The Smurfs: Cause nothing says “good movie” like masking an unnecessary sequel to a bad movie.

The Legend of Conan (a continuation of a series that has already been rebooted) is still in the early developmental stages of script writing. Don’t ask me why that’s news. Apparently people felt the need to get together a press release for a series that no one really cares about and a movie that at this point is comprised of the words “Arnold Schwarzenegger kills man with sword” written on the back of a used napkin.

In the world of sports David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox attacked a dugout phone with his baseball bat after a ball/strike call went against him. I don’t really have anything funny to say about this that could possibly top “attacked a dugout phone with a baseball bat” so I’m just gonna let that sit there.

 In other baseball news, most people who read this site don’t actually care that much about baseball.

Oblivion comes out on DVD this week, giving Americans another chance to wonder how on earth they make Tom Cruise look like a normal heighted person.

Keanu Reeve’s new movie 47 Ronin has released a new trailer! The movie takes place in a fantastical setting that looks a lot like ancient China (but totally isn’t) and will no doubt heavily rely on Keanu’s one facial expression and inability understand basic concepts.

"Wait... what?"

“Wait… what?”

The internet has been freaking out (as the internet is prone to do) over the recently announced Superman vs. Batman movie! Current prevailing series have the movie being “the best thing ever” “a story of brotherhood in the face of deadly odds” “a chance for both characters to shine” and “like putting an applie pie and a drunk muskrat in a blender.” The great thing is that we have TWO YEARS to sit around and listen to people theorize about the movie!!! Yay…

And there you have it friends, the headlines! Check back Thursday and until then have a great day!! Or days… or whatever.

  1. Darby Vocke says:

    You should totally watch Orange is the New Black because it is awesome. Preferably at work because it is highly inappropriate.

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