Internet! How in the world are you? It’s Monday… again. Because for every day there must be a night, for every weekend there must be a week, and for every skittle there must be an empty skittle bag that still smells like there are skittles in it. But even on these dark days fair friends, you may come here, to my writers bosom and I will write for you and yours a probably inaccurate movie review!  And with that disturbing mental image out of the way, let’s forge on too:

Micah Reviews: The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger Walks again!! With a bird. Of death.

The Lone Ranger Walks again!! With a bird. Of death.

When this movie was first announced I was dubious, then I was sort of excited as trailers came out, and Johnny Depp continued gluing things to his head. In the end I actually kind of bought in to it (at the very least) being sort of a fun movie. So was I right? Should the Lone Ranger be out there riding again? Well…. Let’s find out.

The Plot:

John Reid is on a train heading out west, minding his own business, and being sort of  a stuck up, idealistic person (with nice hair). Meanwhile, (in another part of the train) Tonto (Indian and bird enthusiast) is chained up with the fiendish, fiend of friendliness: Butch Cavendish. Cavendish stages an escape and John must join an ill-fated possee (how on earth do you spell that? Posse? That can’t be right… who knows. I could google it but I’d have to switch screens and type it again and… that just seems exhausting) with his brother… umm… Reid. Reid Reid. A great name that I totally did not make up. Then John and Reid Reid are ambushed by the Cavendish gang and everyone dies. The end.  

Ha ha no. Fear not young children, that is not the end of this movie. No no no this movie still has HOURS to go!! Cause John Reid survived (saved by Tonto) and now must take his secret mask covered revenge against Butch Cavendish, the forces of evil, and the brains of the people who came to watch the movie.

The Pros:

  Some really great performances make this movie worth watching (which is saying something.) Johnny Depp punches the clock with his customary brilliance as Tonto, Armie Hammer plays a likeable enough Lone Ranger, and William Fitchner delivers an unrecognizable, performance as Butch Cavendish. I had NO idea it was him and while he wasn’t exactly a deep character or anything he still deserves props for the flexibility he showed here.

And that’s pretty much all the pros I’ve got. It doesn’t seem like much but Hammer and Depp are really really good in this film and they’re on screen about 90 percent of the movie so it counts for more than you might think.

The Negatrons:

The rest of the cast does not fare as well as the three leads. The grossly under-utilized Helen Bonham Carter is the only remaining member that isn’t either asleep for most of the movie, hilariously un-talented, or grossly annoying (thank you little tiny child person for reminding us all why some little kids should just not be on film. Like at all. Anywhere. Your parents should stop taking home videos.) It’s like the Director was so busy applauding the three people up in the pros list, that he sort of forgot that the rest of the cast was there. And I tried to. I promise.

Here’s a list of the five best actors in no order: Depp, Hammer, Carter, Fitchner, The Dead Bird.

The big flashing signal light of terrible though is the last thirty minutes or so of the film. The first part of the movie mostly keeps a sort of “Pirates of the Caribbean” feel with action that’s just a little over the top and a genuinely fun sort of childhood adventure feel to it. In the last thirty minutes though the slightly ADD child that is the Lone Ranger grabs a box of matches lights himself on fire and then skips merrily around the house, jumping on the furniture and whistling the 1812 Overture while it badly juggles its parents priceless Russian nesting doll collection. The last “chase” scene features a kid launching grapes, a woman landing backwards on a horse, death by rabbit, a forty foot drop onto a train carrying rocks, and a space cowboy from the future!! And sadly I’m only making two of those things up! It’s like some 5 year old snuck into the writers room late at night and decided that he would make all of his tiny baby dreams come true. If a Buffalo had jumped onto the train wielding a banjo like a shotgun I wouldn’t have even been a little bit surprised.    

I have no direct complaints against the script but it just never does anything to really qualify itself as above average. Plus it’s just not a story that really goes anywhere. Even the painfully obvious “friendship” morale of the story is kind of lost in the end as the movie distracts itself with various shiny objects.

Finally, there is one incredible random spout of violence in the film that makes no sense at all. I mean I’m not bothered by violence per se but it’s the Lone Ranger folks, do you have to make the bad guy eat somebodies heart? Couldn’t we have just talked about it and left it at that? I mean most of your audience are kids… you know that right? Hello? Are you listening to me? Never mind.

In Conclusion:

The Lone Ranger is probably worth watching. Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer are great, and for the most part it’s a pretty good movie. The last thirty minutes really drag it down though, and it’s over all lack of moral or script life really take away from a movie that (frankly) should have been a lot better if it hadn’t gotten so distr… … … … acted.

I give it 2 Reid Reid’s out of 5.

Well thanks for reading everyone! Check back on Thursday as I talk about some stuff from Comic-con and generally just be pretty nerdy.

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