Weekly Headlines 7/16/13

Posted: July 16, 2013 by Micah in Weekly Headlines
Tags: , , , , , ,

The Carrie re-make recently released a Comic-con banner. Some reports say that the banner read: “YOU HAVE ALREADY SEEN THIS MOVIE!!!” In large capital letters, but others said it read something about “You will know her” which really is kind of the same thing right? It’s like the actual makers of the movie are admitting that you already watched it.

“All You Need is Kill” (a movie starring Tom Cruise and some other people listed simply as “Not Tom Cruise’s”) recently changed its title to “Edge of Tomorrow”  when the makers of “All You Need is Kill” we’re arrested for the willfully murdering the English language with their title.

X:Men Days of Future Past (another hilariously unfortunately titled movie) recently announced that Peter Dinklage will be playing—ba ha ha ha… oh man—Dinklage. Stupid name.

In NBA news Russian NBA player Andrei Kirilenko (I promise I’m not making any of these names up) recently signed with the Brooklyn Nets (owned by Russian Billionare Sir Cappy McFisherson… yeah I made that one up) for 3 million dollars a year, after opting out of a 10 million dollar a year contract. When asked if anything suspicious was going on the Nets owner was quoted as saying “What? What do you mean suspicious??? We signed Future Russian President Andrei Kirilenko with no underhanded dealings at all.”

In the world of polotics some extremely not funny things happened and as such we will not be talking about them here.

Dutchess Kate of Whateverton continues to have pictures of her posted all over the internet as she continues working through the painful, rewarding, craving riddled process we call pregnancy. Usually Kate gets pictures of her on the internet because she’s famous but now that she’s pregnant the pictures just go on the internet because they have to. This t0hanks to the internet/pregnant women picture agreement of 2007, which states that every pregnant person (famous or otherwise) must post at least 407.6 pictures of themselves on the internet or the entire system will crash.

Despicable Me 2 won the box office for the second week in a row. The movie prominently features the vocal talent of Steve Carrel performing a Russian accent so bad it has offended every Russian. Ever. Including Future Russian President Andrei Kirilenko.

After years off the air Who’s Line is It Anyway returns to TV tonight on the CW! No seriously. It’s back. Go watch it. There is no joke coming: go watch Who’s Line.

Meanwhile, Pacific Rim, a movie about giant robots punching Giant Sea Monsters repeatedly, came out to  much lower revenues than expected. When asked why movie director Jeff Punchington said: “I don’t know, no one else has made a ridiculously over the top, poorly conceived, giant robot movie recently; right?”


The Host came out on DVD last week prompting tens of millions of people to continue not to watch it.

The Host: A movie with little plot, scant dialogue, and loads of really really wanting to be Twilight.

The Host: A movie with little plot, scant dialogue, and loads of really really wanting to be Twilight.

Grown Ups 2 also opened at the box office and to the surprise of absolutely no one who was not directly involved in paying for the movie, it got horrendously horrible reviews from the press some of whom recorded that the movie actually dropped their IQ level several tens of points. They were tragically only able to write “dum movy” on their notepads before being admitted into local hospitals.

In the Teen Choice Award polling Man of Steel continues to lead the way  in multiple categories. Which (let the record show) is exactly why we don’t let them vote for president everyone. Exactly. Why.

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