Career Rewind: Johnny Depp

Posted: July 11, 2013 by Micah in Career Rewind
Tags: , , , , , ,

Hey everyone, welcome to Thursday and the launch of an exciting, gripping, and probably hilarious feature on Thoughts We Might Have Had. A series so poorly researched that some famous newspaper person whose named I don’t know is probably rolling over in her/his grave. A series that will delve deeply into movie history in a very shallow sort of way. It’s time for… some bold typed font.

Career Rewind: The Life and Movies of Johnny Depp

Cause believe it or not he wasn't just in pirate movies.

Cause believe it or not he wasn’t just in pirate movies.

Ah, Johnny. You’ve had highs and lows and have probably been more than a little high for both of those things. It’s important to mention that I am using an IMDB page for this and that is it. So if I haven’t seen a movie I will either A: not mention it at all, or B: Make something up about it. So now that we all understand that, let’s just dive right in shall we?

Holy marmosets!! He’s been in 63 movies??? Man… I have got to start thinking these things through better. This is like when I promised to talk about all the presidents before I remembered that there have been about a million of them (check out that article here). Okay there’s gonna be a lot more skipping here then I thought here would be.

1984- A Nightmare on Elmstreet

Yeah, you forgot Johnny Depp was in this movie didn’t you? A Nightmare on Elm Street is classic horror franchise at its classic-ist! I mean Freddy Kreuger (a man with knives for fingers which makes him terrifying to both people and large, uncut sandwiches) is probably the scariest of all of the “classic” horror villains. Depp played one of his victims and one of the few slightly redeemable characters in the movie. Remember this though because I’m gonna bring it full circle in a couple movies.

1990- Cry Baby

I have no idea what this movie is about but I just skipped six years and felt like I couldn’t go too much further. I can tell you that Johnny Depp shared the spotlight of this film with famed actress… yeah nobody I’ve ever heard of was in this movie. These are the doldrums of Johnny Depp’s career. Where he was in films like “Slow Burn” which may or may not have been about a rebellious toaster slowly burning bread to ruin breakfasts for Americans everywhere. Anyway later in this year Johnny Depp starred in…

1990- Edward Scissorhands

In Johnny Depps first big movie he would become famous for playing a character with knives for hands! This is after making his film debut being murdered by someone with knives for hands!! See that there? That’s called journalism yo!! What WHAT??!?!?!?! *various dance moves*

Okay… what were we doing? Oh yeah. Johnny Depp. Ummm… Edward Scissorhands is a movie about a guy with scissors for hands who has a heart of gold… or something. I watched it once like… five years ago so I’m somewhat sketchy on the details. Something about a dog and an evil scientist which is the plot of ¾ of Tim Burton movies consequently.

1993- What’s Eating Gilbert Grape

Johnny Depp starred in this movie with bitty baby Leonardo Decaprio!! That said, I have no idea what this is about so I’m just gonna assume it has something to do with the secret, cannibalistic lives of a colony of grapes living in downtown Manhattan… And one of them probably has knives for hands.

1999- Sleepy Hollow

Johnny Depp played Ichabod Crane in this film version of the classic tale of a headless horseman who (for reasons that are never entirely clear) uses a pumpkin for his head. I mean why a pumpkin? Why not a watermelon? People like watermelon a lot more then they like pumpkin right? You think you could make a lot more friends with a watermelon for a head then you could with a pumpkin. I mean a headless horseman with a watermelon head would be a whole different story, about peace and acceptance and learning to love people for who they are and how delicious their face may be. Man… someone needs to make that movie.

2003- Pirates of the Caribbean Curse of the Black Pearl

"It's a bird... no it's a plane... no... it's your career arc spiraling downwards. Sorry Orlando."

“It’s a bird… no it’s a plane… no… it’s your career arc spiraling downwards. Sorry Orlando.”

Johnny Depp’s official welcome to stardom party, Depp played Jack Sparrow an awesome character bound to carry a franchise that would gradually get worse and worse! I already talked at great length about Pirates of the Caribbean (check out my two part review of the Pirates of the Caribbean series here and here) so I’m gonna skip the other three movies and just say that this is where Jonny Depp took some bread and put a heaping helping of butter on it.

2004- Finding Neverland

Some people would make the case that this is Johnny Depp’s best movie (though not his most interesting role) and I suppose they could be right. It’s all cute and fuzzy and has tiny baby children frolicking through fields of unshorn barley or something. I mean I’ve watched it and enjoyed it but a lot of people talk about this movie like it personally came to their house and gave them steaming hot cookies and freshly squeezed milk… ew. Never typing that again.

2005- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Couple things here, first off: WEIRD movie. Really REALLY weird. Secondly: Johnny Depp is kind of awesome in it. I mean he’s awesome in a weird/creepy/person I never EVER want to meet sort of way, but awesome none the less. The first time I watched this movie I hated it but once you can just sort of forget that the rest of the film is happening and just watch Johnny Depp… it’s kind of awesome.

2007- Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

First off: this movie is super violent. Don’t watch it with little Bobby or Bretta or whoever. Secondly: it’s great. I mean it’s not a movie I would watch a lot (you can only take so much) but the plot is great and other then the “I’ll steal you Joanna” song being one of the four or five most annoying things in the whole of time and space I really like this… though the more I think about that song the more I remember how much I hate it. I’m downgrading this movie to another one of those “unless Johnny Depp is on screen you can probably fast forward” movies.

2010- Alice in Wonderland

I feel like I’m in the minority when I say that I really liked this movie. I mean sure it was random and weird and things but you have all read Alice in Wonderland, right? I mean the whole thing is pretty much an acid trip interrupted by a sugar rush being eclipsed by a red bull anti-coma. That’s exactly what this movie is. It’s weird and random and crazy and occasionally makes you wonder what planet your on but that’s the best part about it!! Also Johnny Depp performing “The Jabberwocky” (one of the most over recited pieces of poetry ever) still gives me goosebumps.

2010- The Tourist

This was a terrible movie. Depp had a terrible beard. Never watch it.

2011- Rango

My nominee for best animated movie ever (read the full article here… man I’ve linked to a lot of my own articles here, huh? Not sure how I feel about that. It’s like when you’re watching something on HuluPlus and a HuluPlus add comes on. You feel sort of offended that Hulu doesn’t know that you’re already paying them for Hulu. On a separate note if you want to pay me, I definitely will not forget about it. Ever. I suppose I’ve run out of room in these parenthesis huh? I mean I’ve estranged the lefty curved one so far from its righty curved sibling that it probably doesn’t even remember its own name. Maybe I’ll add another here just to give it some company. ( there. I’d add one up top too but I’d have to click a mouse and things and that wouldn’t be worth it at all. And now I’m moving it further away again. So much for that plan. I should really stop huh?)

2012- Dark Shadows

Somehow a movie with these two people was only mildly entertaining... yeah... I know.

Somehow a movie with these two people was only mildly entertaining… yeah… I know.

Johnny Depp delivers a “meh” performance in a “meh” sort of movie. Not a lot to say beyond that.

2013- The Lone Ranger

I haven’t watched this movie yet but everyone seems to generally agree that it’s sort of a terrible film. I’ll be watching it as soon as I can though cause if nothing else they say it’s bad in an entertaining sort of way.

And that about sums up the career of Johnny Depp everyone! You’re welcome! Have a great weekend, watch a movie you haven’t seen before and tell me all about it!!… except, ya know, probably don’t tell me. There’d be a lot of reading involved and I’m generally not on bored for that kind of mental exertion unless there are snacks involved. But have a great weekend anyway and I’ll see you Monday!!

P.S. And as one more bonus link here’s me and my brother Zach talking the NBA offseason, his top 5 tv shows, and some Pirates baseball in our latest podcast!! Check it out here!

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Comments
  1. Katrina says:

    SOMEONE ELSE WHO DOESN’T THINK CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY IS TERRIBLE?!?!?! MICAH IS MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON! And, ahem, yes, I basically watch this movie for Johnny Depp.

    Also, Johnny Depp one of my personal favorites, so thank you SO, SO much for blogging about him. You just won a million awesome points.

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