Happy Monday everybody! So tonight I’m going to watch Monsters University and I’ll post that review upon this very Thursday! In the mean time here are some weakly headlines as I try and continue to keep you informed about how much I love sarcasm!

In our lead story today, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had a baby!!! The roughly 4.5 Billion women who also gave birth that day were unavailable for comment but in the words of legendary child birth giver Mildred Mildredton “What is the big berry bump-alicious deal?”

In other news Monster University opened at number 1 this week continuing Pixars  incredible record of never making a movie that did not open at number 1. When asked for a comment the executives of Disney (who own Pixar, Marvel, and all the money in the world) laughed maniacally and said something about “today the cinema tomorrow the galaxy!!!”

The world of sports recently crowned a new NBA champion as the Miami Heat won the championship game over the San Antonio Spurs. In other, equally surprising news the sun rose, the tides rolled, and Justin Bieber continued to be super annoying.

Walt Disney released the first trailer for their next animated movie “Frozen.” It looked adorable except for the fact that a snowman loses its nose and then proceeds to “hilariously” decapitate itself in the pursuit of it. What’s next Disney? Hannah Montana taking her own arm off and beating the cast of iCarly with it?? Wait…. Yeah do that Disney. Do that.

Also opening this week, was World War Z a movie featuring Brad Pitt courageously fighting off a horrible infestation of rabid Glee fans. … I mean Zombies. Yeah… zombies. Though I’d pay to see that other thing too.

Empire Magazine recently released their “The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug” cover for their magazine. The cover features “Awesome Legolas” “Arwen’s slightly hotter sister” and “Legolas’s stupid looking father, who is unaware that he has a tree actively growing out of his head.”

"Wait-- does this crown makes my head look big?"

“Wait– does this crown makes my head look big?”

Kevin Costner recently practiced with the Cleveland Indians baseball team. Costner (roughly 60 years old) was later signed by the Indians to play first base. Manager Terry Francona was quoted as saying “Yeah, we were gonna just stick a bag of flour with an Indians hat on it and say that was our guy but Kevin’s a drastic improvement on that one.”

“Summer shows” are now airing on TV which means we can all look forward to new episodes of “Pretty Little Liars” “Rookie Blue” and “Let’s see what’s on Netflix.”

And finally in gaming news Microsoft came out and said “You remember all that stuff we said about our new console the Xbox one? How we said that it was going to have to always be on, and be connected to the internet, and how you wouldn’t be able to share games, or buy used games, or (potentially) actually play any games at all? Well… we were totally joking!! Of course you can do all those things! Of course it will be fun! No for real… where are you all going? No don’t look at the cheaper, drastically more user friendly PS4, I promise we’ve changed!!!!” Unconfirmed reports have the Microsoft rep sitting quietly in the corner after that listening to his “break up mix.”

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