Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Posted: June 20, 2013 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Hey Internet, and welcome to Thursday. A day for triumph, a day for living, a day that is almost Friday. So I actually did not get to go see Man of Steel this week largely because I have been busy as all the Kings horses on Humpty Dumpties birthday. But fear not oh weary masses, be not troubled, let not thine faces fall!! For upon this day, I shall review a movie, that I didst not really like!! A movie called:

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

A classic tale with just a little twist of horrible!

A classic tale with just a little twist of horrible!

I thought this movie was an interesting idea. After all we like the whole “Fairy tale re-imagined” thing right? So why not turn a story about children with impulse control issues and pyro-maniacal tendencies into a story about two adult witch hunters who aren’t actually that good at witch hunting? The answer? A lot of reasons.

The Plot:

Many years ago Hansel and Gretel were left in the forest by their parents for SUPER obvious plot related reasons. They found a house and it was made of candy and they ate it (can you imagine the insurance premiums on that house? I mean I don’t care how friendly that Geico Gecko is he’s not covering “Ragamuffin eating.” on your policy) Anyway, Hansel and Gretel get captured by a witch and then push her into an oven and she burns to death horribly…. yay childhood!!

This house either belongs to a witch or a super ambitious hippie.

This house either belongs to a witch or a super ambitious hippie.

Fast forward several years and we find Hansel and Gretel professionally hunting witches and being intolerable morons. They are hired by a village that is having trouble with witches kidnapping children and start off (as you might expect) by alienating the locals, breaking the sheriffs nose, and effectively guaranteeing that no one will help them.  Will Hansel and Gretel be able to discover the whereabouts of the children while discovering their own incredibly obvious “hidden” backstory? You probably won’t ever care.

The Positives:

Jeremy Renner really really REALLY tries to make this into a good movie. It’s actually a little depressing. It’s like watching a production of the nut cracker featuring the prima ballerina of the Russian Ballet and a cast of naked mole rats, as choreographed by a particularly ill brained gold-fish. Every time the ballerina starts to do something interesting she gets hit in the face with a mole rat and the director keeps accidentally showing up at the set of a different ballet and trying to eat all of their crackers. It’s just a mess but you can tell the ballerina really knows what she’s doing is really trying to dance her little dance as best she can… … … It’s super creepy that I’m making this comparison with Jeremy Renner isn’t it. Yeah? I thought so.

Wait he compared me to what?

Wait he compared me to what?

The Negatrons:

Hansel is a really stupid name. There’s just no way around it.

I’m gonna try and put this as nicely as I can: Hansel and Gretel aren’t actually very good witch hunters. They spend most of their “fight” time with the witches getting knocked hither and thither like human ping pong balls. They get kicked, punched, bitten, sautéed, filleted, and parfaited all the live long day. I’m pretty sure the director was trying to make sure the audience knew how tough the witches were but he ended up just making Hansel and Gretel look like incompetent blithering morons.

The acting (aside from the aforementioned Renner) is distinctly lacking in… effort? No one else in the cast really seems to be trying… at all. They all pout and make fists and “emote” very well but nobody really seems to have bothered to do any actual acting. Granted the script they’re performing from makes about as much since as a Ninja wearing a tie-die shirt but you just get the feeling that nobody could be bothered to really go for anything.

Speaking of the script, it’s a train wreck. It’s two train wrecks, throwing their wreckage together to make a beautiful diorama of another train wrecking. And not just in the usual: the dialogue is sketchy, the lines are cliche’, and the characters don’t make sense. No no no, we go WAY beyond such simple things. This script brings up entire sub-plots and side items… and then forgets them. For instance: Hansel seems to have diabetes… for some reason… that we never find out about. But the movie promptly forgets about such things until DAYS later when it suddenly decides to bring it up again to pad the length of the movies completely pointless last fight.

Which leads us to the last of what could be a much much longer list of negatives. The villain’s plot isn’t really that bad. Basically they just have this great big scheme to make themselves immune to fire. Granted fire is one of only a couple ways to kill a witch but… there are still a couple other ways. I mean yeah it’s bad but… you just never really get the “that would end the WORLD!!” Sort of feeling. Or even a “THOUSANDS WILL DIE!!!” Kind of thing. It’s just sort of a “oh… well that would make things slightly worse then they already are.” Which (as you may have noticed) doesn’t have the same affect.

In Conclusion: 

In the end Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters falls well short of a good movie. There’s a decent idea buried somewhere deep DEEP underneath the layers of bad writing and stupid plot details, and Jeremy Renner really really tries to save the film but not even he can pick this particular piece of cinematic witchiness out of the fires.

I give it 2 Hansels, out of 5.

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