Box Office Top Ten 5-30-13

Posted: May 30, 2013 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , , ,

These are dark days. Days when as you look out over the horizons of your blog you see nothing but wide open planes (or plains… or Spain… or something), rolling tumbleweeds, and lizards who may or may not be voiced by Johnny Depp.

Say what?

Say what?

Into these times must come a blog, a blog not just for today, but a blog for tomorrow, for the day after that, for at least till Monday. And so, we find ourselves asking, who will we be, and what blog will save us from ourselves? The answer is written in the skies, in our hearts, and in the title column of this blog. The answer is:

Box Office Top Ten 5/30/13

Number 10: Oblivion

Slinking in at number ten, is the epic sci-fi epic of epicology that we know as Oblivion. I really liked Oblivion, I reviewed the whole thing over here, and thoroughly recommended a Tom Cruise movie! Something almost as common as a blue moon and a red dawn… happening at the same time.

You should see it because: You haven’t got around to it yet despite the fact that I TOLD you too. You rebel you.

Number 9: The Croods

A fairly generic looking family comedy thing about a cave-family that goes on a journey to somewhere for something that I probably don’t care about. A couple different people actually told me this was pretty good, though I’m not saying you should trust those people. I mean you don’t know them, for all you know they could be Nazis. Or fans of Justin Bieber. Regardless though this is one of two family movies on this list and it is (at the least) not horrendous. So… there’s that.

"One day guys I bet they make a movie about someone Treking across these Stars. Probably into some darkness. Man will that be a good movie."

“One day guys I bet they make a movie about someone Treking across these Stars. Probably into some darkness. Man will that be a good movie.”

You should watch it because: You have a family…. and aren’t a Nazi. I mean I guess you could see it if you are a Nazi but… you might not like it as much. Given all the freedom and things… I’m gonna shut up now.

Number 8: 42

Currently at the top of my “don’t believe I missed that but I probably won’t get around seeing it because there are things I want to see more coming out soon” list. (I really need to get some shorter list names.) 42 has gotten pretty solid reviews, and is the story of Jackie Robinson’s journey into Major League Baseball. Harrison Ford is in it, along with someone I’ve never heard of before who does a great job with Jackie (according to people who have seen it… which I have not.)

You should watch it because: You like baseball, good movies, and sweet sweet times.

Number 7: Mud

Mud is one of those movies that has gotten really good reviews from all the snotty people who have watched it but that I have yet to actually meet anyone who has seen it. I think it was released in about two theaters that scanned people’s DNA to make sure they were snotty enough before allowing them entrance.

Mud is a movie about two boys who discover a man living on an island and the man is on the run from bounty hunters and then umm… a woman. I think. Like I said all the internet people I’ve read have really liked it but for all I know those are all just the Director’s mom hacking into different computer accounts to make her son feel better about himself. So I guess if you happen to live somewhere that you can watch this movie go check it out and let me know what you think (just include some proof that you’re not the director’s mom. Ask yourself a question that only you would know the answer to. That usually works… I think.)

You should see it because: You’re one of the five people in America who can.

Number 6: The Great Gatsby 

The consensus on this movie seems to be that it’s “okay.” The story is bland (I’d summarize it for you but I left my literature degree in my other pants and I don’t currently care enough) and the storytelling is drawn out, but they Decaprio delivers a great performance. Personally, I’ll probably wait for the DVD. I just don’t care enough and there are other things in the pipe (Now You See Me AND After Earth come out this week) that I would much rather see.

You should see it because: You do care enough.

Number 5: Iron Man 3

Did it. Done it. Reviewed it here.

You should see it because: You’re a fan of awesome, pineapples, and the smell of victory.

Number 4: Epic

The other family movie on our list today, Epic is the story of a tiny little world populated by tiny little people who ride birds. Honestly it looks fairly interesting and has got pretty good reviews. For me it’ll probably slide away without my seeing it (once again there’s a lot coming out I want to see more) but if you’ve got some childrens and are tired of that sound they make this is my recommendation for the week! There’s adventure, there’s humor, and there’s the chance to delve into the little known world of slug related humor.

Wait Beyonce is in this movie? How did that happen? Did you think she was gonna sing but accidentally left a script in the studio? That's awkward.

Wait Beyonce is in this movie? How did that happen? Did you think she was gonna sing but accidentally left a script in the studio? That’s awkward. Also shouldn’t that read “Beyonce Knowles AS Queen Tara” I mean she isn’t really that person is she? 

You should see it because: It involves tiny people in a magical forest and may encourage your tiny childrens to play outside more as they try and talk to slugs.

Number 3: Star Trek: Into Darkness

How is this movie only at number 3?? Come on America, this is probably one of the best  two or tree movies that you’re going to get to watch this year!! I’m probably going to watch it again, something I haven’t done since Avengers and this movie is seriously in the same ballpark in term of epicness, have YOU seen it Bilbert? Well you should. Stop reading this right now and go watch it… Did you?

Why you should see it: Cause I told you to. And it’s awesome. And you like awesome.

Number 2: The Hangover Part 3

The Hangover series has officially entered what I like to call “The Transformer Zone.” Everyone fell in love with the first movie, the second movie was universally agreed on as being horrendous, and now that the third movie is out you feel like you have to go see it just cause you suffered through the second one and want to finish the journey. From all the reviews I’ve read 3 isn’t much better then 2 but for those of you completionists out there I suppose there’s not point in me telling you not to go is there?  

Why you should see it: Ummm…. I’ll get back to you.

Number 1: The Fast and the Furious 6

The Fast and the Furious franchise just keeps on ticking. I mean when was the last time a movie series actually got BETTER as it went along? I mean 1 was good, 2 was good, 3 and 4 were HORRENDOUS, and then all the sudden 5 and 6 turned out to be really good. I am by no means saying FF 6 is better then say… Star Trek Into Darkness. But frankly FF 6 doesn’t care. Fast and Furious just wants to drive cars, blow things up, and occasionally drive cars through things that other people have already blown up. There’s a minorly engaging story in there somewhere but neither you nor I nor anyone else goes to see Fast and the Furious for engaging storytelling. FF 6 is like the anti-Great Gatsby. It (to borrow the old song lyrics) just wants to have fun.

Why you should see it: You like blowings up, carrrings on, or some variation on those two things.

So there you have it friends, a blog for the ages… or at least till Monday. Thanks for reading, and (as ever) may the screen be ever at your front… or something.

  1. Lydia says:

    You could also read After Earth if you’re in a B&N–with Wil Smith and his son on the cover, no less…erg.

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