CG Animated Films: The Bottom Five

Posted: April 15, 2013 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,

First off let me say that right as I was posting this news broke about the Boston Marathon explosions. My prayers go out to the victims and the families of those who were injured. Sometimes I feel like with tragedies and events like this maybe I shouldn’t post but then I’m reminded that on days like today and so many other sad days in our lives it can be so important to have something to smile about. So that’s what this is, not a snub or an attempt to laugh off these events, but a chance to smile and remember what makes us so lucky to be alive. That said, here’s today’s post:

Well hey Internet, and welcome once again to my fabulously new, slightly used, series that we started last week. A series that the Wall Street Journal is calling: “Something we couldn’t care less about.” But regardless of how many times the Wall Street Journal doesn’t care about what I think, I’ve decided to write this blog anyway, for freedom, for liberty, and for the Amicahca way! (*Cue superman theme*) And so here without further ado, further curfew, or further achoo I proudly present:

The Bottom Five CG Animated Movies

Let the record show that I am 100% sure there are worse CG animation movies out there. Check here for the list of movies that I haven’t watched that you guys probably have and there are hundreds and hundreds more out there that I don’t think anyone except for really bored people with Netflix subscriptions have ever seen. Here are the worst five CG Animated movies that I personally have seen with these two buggy, blood shot, eyes with which I have been saddled.

5. Ice Age: The Meltdown

Just so we’re all aware I’m gonna get in trouble for this. My wife really likes Ice Age and may or may not have a crush on Diego which I do not understand given that he is (amongst other things) extinct. I’ll admit that I really liked the first Ice Age and I was VERY pleasantly surprised by the 4th one (I reviewed it over here) but the second one was somewhat of a train wreck. A big Queen Latifah shaped train wreck. The rest of the movie aside no one really seemed like they knew what they wanted to do with this movie so they settled on creating a mammoth that thought it was a ferret and was voiced by Queen Latifah who (with all due respect) cannot act. You sort of get the feeling that she really wants to be able to act and that no one has had the courage to tell her that it would probably best for her to pursue some other careers like (for instance) finding out what exactly she is the Queen of.

I was gonna make a fat joke here but I feel this picture is already doing that for me.

I was gonna make a fat joke here but I feel this picture is already doing that for me.

4. Shark Tale

Shark Tale is Finding Nemo’s really stupid younger brother. That might actually be giving it a little too much credit actually… Shark Tale is finding Nemo’s really stupid pet chinchilla. The script is bla, there’s some sort of weird message buried somewhere that has something to do with… acceptance or… racism or… tuna… but you get the feeling that none of the writers of the movie were sure exactly how to portray that message so they sort of just wrote a bunch of moving sentences and through them into the movie whether they made sense or not.

The big difference between this movie and Finding Nemo though (aside from the obvious “talent” thing) is that Finding Nemo took itself decently seriously in its portrayal of the ocean. I mean yeah the fish talk but aside from that you could really believe that this was something that might happen under the ocean as long as you hit your head against a wall in all the right places. Shark Tale on the other hand had fish wearing clothes for reasons that were never clear, and possessing the ability to make giant underwater television screens and the whole thing just seemed to fall apart from there.

3. Barnyard

I watched this movie on a plane… and I gave strong strong thought to jumping out of that plane just to avoid having to watch this movie. It was horrendous… maybe this should be the worst on the list but I haven’t watched it in a while and I’m way too lazy to look it up and try and remember all the reasons I hated it so I’m just gonna pigeon hole it here in the three spot and move on, leaving you with this one thought: poorly executed bovine humor.

We good? Yeah. I thought so.

Also would someone like to explain to me how that cow is NOT a girl? I mean it has udders, and no horns, and is very cow colored. And yet it is somehow a boy. Then again it is voiced by the bouncing ball of mediocre humor we know as Kevin James so I don't really know what I was expecting there.

Also would someone like to explain to me how that cow is NOT a girl? I mean it has udders, and no horns, and is very cow colored. And yet it is somehow a boy. Then again it is voiced by the bouncing ball of mediocre humor we know as Kevin James so I don’t really know what I was expecting there.

2. Monster vs. Aliens

None of you should be surprised that this movie is on this list. I literally spent an entire night with my friend Riley love blogging about how much we disliked this movie (check it out over here.) Between the giant version of a really annoying person to the random shot of a persons butt I have no interest in ever watching this movie again. Never ever never ever never. Ever.

Never.

1. Happy Feet.

Happy Feet is a weird terrible bad movie about (of all things) a dancing penguin. Now that may not sound like a bad premise and (in truth) the first half of the movie is not that bad. It shapes up to be a slightly generic but funny story about acceptance and culture and Robin Williams kissing characters also voiced by Robin Williams… which may explain a lot about his current career arc.

After that first 30 minutes though it turns into this really weird sort of “save the ice” message… which even then the people behind the movie seem to forget that and make it into this weird sort “work together… with penguins” message… it’s very confusing. And sort of depressing and makes you feel guilty about going to the zoo. And I like the zoo. Then (I’m gonna give away the ending here, but I promise, it’s better this way) the little penguin escapes the zoo because they see that he can dance and then the little penguin leads the humans back to his penguin… flock. Or herd. Or… whatever penguins live in. A gaggle? A paggle? I’m going with paggle until someone can prove otherwise.

And this is your brain on drugs! Any questions?

And this is your brain on drugs! Any questions?

So anyway the leading penguin who I (for lack of a better term) will call Pongo leads the humans back to his paggle where he teaches them all to dance so that the humans don’t… eat them. I think. Like I say, it’s a very confusing, sort of depressing, mostly stupid movie that ends in a way that makes you feel like as long the penguin you’re eating (assuming people eat penguin) isn’t doing a svelte softshoe routine, that it’s fine to eat it. It’s very weird.

So there you have it Wall Street Journal.  A fantastic blog, that you will never read! Check back Thursday for my triumphant CG Animated Top 10, and swing by tomorrow for the newest Thoughts We Might Have Had podcast! Thanks for reading!

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