Well hello audience and welcome back to the fantastical fantasy world that we call Thoughts We Might Have Had. First off, let me assure the four of you who actually listen to it that the Thoughts We Might Have Had podcast is still alive and kicking. My Mainecation, sickness, and concussion all played key roles in several recording times being pushed back but it shall return on the morrow and then roll on from there unabated, untruncated, and un… der the sea… or something.
But moving on from such public service announcements, let’s talk about something that I have mostly avoided entirely on this blog namely CG animated movies. I’ve talked about Disney movies until my face turned snow white (editor’s note: we’re sorry… that was… such a bad joke) but I have mostly avoided computer animated movies because (as we all know) I hate computers… or something. But anyway before I dive into my two other lists (top ten computer animated movies and bottom five computer animated movies) let’s do a preliminary list that will hopefully cut down on the number of angry e-mails I get from fans of movies that I leave off of lists (I’m looking at you Frog Princess people) because I have not seem them. A list that I will call:
The Top Ten Computer Animated Movies I Haven’t Watched
(in the hopes that people will shut-up)
Let me be clear on something, I love you audience. If I could I would reach through each of your computer screens and give you a big old cyber-hug!! I love comments (positive or negative) and I love interacting with you guys! You’re the reason I’m here, the reason there’s beer, and the reason for… umm… the season. The… cyberSeason that is not the… sacrilegious thing you may be thinking I’m thinking… I should change topics huh?. Anyway, here are ten movies that I have not watched and will (therefore) not be on any of my lists.
Also, before I start, this is not a comprehensive list of all the CG animated movies I have not watched. I have not (for instance) watched The Ugly Duckling and Me. Nobody has watched that movie except possibly (And there’s a good chance they haven’t) the people intimately responsible for making The Ugly Duckling and Me. This is a list of popular CG animated movies that I, for various reasons we’ll get into in a second, not watched. So here we let’s go ahead and dive into a list that will occur in no particular order.
The Polar Express:
The reason for my not watching this movie should be pretty obvious: I do not like Tom Hanks. This movie primarily (and extremely creepily) features multiple characters voiced by (and bearing a vague resemblance to) Tom Hanks. A lot of people like this movie because it happens on a train and there are songs about Christmas and… Santa happens… I think. But I don’t care if the movie featured songs by Zombie Frank Sinatra and a cameo appearance by a live bear made out of chocolate and ninjas, the creepy Tom Hanks factor isn’t going anywhere.
This was a Disney movie? What? Yup. And yet I can’t think of a single commercial advertising this movie or a single person who has ever seen it. Ya know why? Because this is a story about zoo animals living in New York, who escape into the wild only to find out it’s a lot more than they bargained for. Sound familiar? That’s because it’s essentially the exact plot of Madagascar a movie released a year before The Wild came out. This happens a lot more than you might think (i.e. Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Hunstman both being released last year) the problem in this case was that Madagascar did really well and everyone watched it and when The Wild hit theaters everyone just assumed someone had spelled “Madagascar” horribly wrong. It’s like being the second cake served as a birthday party. Sure, you’re still a cake, but there was already cake and it was probably better cake to begin with anyway. I’m sorry little cake, never stop believing in yourself… though you can stop believing in The Wild anytime you want.
And speaking of Madagascar…
You know what? Madagascar one was actually not a great movie. But it had King Julien and he was hilarious. Then Madagascar 2 came out and it was a bad movie, featuring (and I’m not making this up) Hippo romance humor. But King Julien was still really funny. By the time Madagascar 3 came out though people had discovered that they could just wait a little bit and then watch the King Julien parts on Youtube without having to suffer through the other hour and a half of writers competing to see who could come up with the next Giraffe joke.
I’ve tried to watch Cars a couple times now, and never made it past the first fifteen minutes. I’ve even watched Cars 2 and didn’t actually think it was a bad movie. Cars 1 though I just can’t do. Maybe it’s because I hate the main character or… umm… yeah it’s cause I hate the main character. Movin’ on.
Horton Hears a Who and The Lorax
I really like Dr. Suess books. Maybe that’ s why I don’t want to watch movies based on them. Cause ya know why I like Dr. Suess books? They rhyme, his use of words is sort of awesome, and there just a nice easy read. Making an hour and a half movie out of a four page book though? I mean one of these movies features the vocal (*cough*) talent of Taylor Swift, and not a singy Taylor Swift cause at least that I can understand, no no no, the acting (*cough cough*) talent of Taylor Swift. I’m not saying you’re just stealing the title so that you can make money but…. Yeah okay I’m saying that.
ANY of the TInkerbell movies:
Quite down. Quite down. Everybody take your seats. Please, don’t throw your pixie dust at the screen… it won’t help. I just have no desire to watch a bunch of tiny women with no pants fly around a meadow and talk about how sunny it is. I’m sorry… it’s just… not in my skill set. Scathing sarcasm and death squirrels? I’ve got a lot a those. No pantsed fairies? Not so much.
Rise of the Guardians and Wreck-it-Ralph
Nothing personal here, I just haven’t got around to watching these yet. I really want to, I mean one of them has Hugh Jackmen and Alec Baldwin playing the Easter Bunny and Santa respectively and the other has a cameo appearance by Bowser (obviously the best character in Mario Kart 64) I just haven’t got around to it yet.
And finally… the movie you will hate me for the most:
I kinda hated the add campaign for this movie. Plus it featuers Steve Carrel doing what I think is supposed to be a Russian accent, for which I think he still owes the entire country of Russia an apology. Plus the only thing you can get people who have seen this movie to talk about are the bouncy “cute” yellow poppy minion people and that’s not a good sign in my book. I mean there was an entire commercial for this movie that featured what strongly resembled a yellow pickle in a scooba mask playing with a tippy cow…. Thing. That’s not exactly a strong endorsement of your movie’s plot.
So there you have it. Ten movies you are not allowed to bring up when I give my top (or bottom) lists of CG animated movies! Thanks for reading and let the angry e-mails commence!!