Micah’s History of Everything: Concussions

Posted: April 1, 2013 by Micah in A History of Everything
Tags: , , ,

Well hey Internet! Happy Concussion Recovery Monday! It’s totally a holiday and I am (aside from an odd sort of mouse wielding a pick ax, headache) recovered from the state of Concussed. It’s a great place to be. I got a lot of well wishers wishing me well in my recovery and would like to take a moment and thanks those well wishers for their well wishes and wish them well in all their wishes and their wells until their wells run dry and their wishes witch every which way. Wow. My headache just got worse.

As I may or may not have mentioned (I remember very little about last week) this was actually my third such concussionary instance below is a brief history of my concussions.

Concussion 1:

When I was a freshman in college I was a proud member of the Jolly Dumples a college intramural basketball team named after the legendary team from Crazy-Go-Nuts University of homestarruner.com fame. Me and my friend Nate came up with the idea to name ourselves after that squad and the rest of our teammates were mostly too confused to disagree with us. No one knows what a Dumple actually is but I suspect that whatever it is it could probably have beaten our basketball team.


No really. This could have taken us.

No really. This could have taken us.

We were terrible. I played in a grand total of two games for the Dumples (who were still really bad even when I wasn’t playing) and in the first game I scored two points, largely because the other team was stupid enough to foul me. I would give my statistics in other basketball categories such as: rebounds, assists, shooting percentage, and times my shoes made that squeeky noise on the floor, but I do not know them and am fairly sure no one cared enough about the statistics of the Jolly Dumples to actually write down what was going on or (in almost all cases) actually attend our games.

In our second game as I was on the floor exercising my one actual basketball talent (rebounding… which I consequently was terrible at when it came to dating) I leapt up with all the speed and grace of a swan covered in goose grease and grabbed a rebound. Somebody on the other team (who I (ironically) do not remember at all) also grabbed the ball. We both pulled on it for a few moments before the ref blew his whistle signaling a jump ball, meaning that we should both (and pay attention to this next part) stop pulling on the ball so he could reset things. I heard the whistle and relaxed, the other guy heard the whistle and decided that this would be the prime time to give the ball one last great heave. (Editors note: the other guy probably just didn’t hear the whistle. Micah is operating under the ancient rule of the universe: History is written by the victor. Or (more specifically to this case) History is written by the concussed person who happens o to start a blog and remains bitter for many years.)

I (who was still holding onto the ball at the time) continued to do so but my body wasn’t ready for the jerk and I was thrown Judo style over the guys hip where my head was slammed into the concrete floor of the gym. After that my memory gets SUPER hazy. I’m pretty sure my dad was there visiting from Guam but had to leave that day so he made sure I was all right before giving my care over to Nate. Nate (according to legend) lost me for several hours during which time (for all I know) I murdered several young children. I also took a History test at some point in here on which I received a 98 leading to my habit of banging my head against concrete walls before every test I took in college.

Concussion Number 2:

I received Concussion Number 2 the semester after I graduated. I stayed at Northland for a semester after I graduated to help out with the AV department and whilst on some AV business I was setting up some lights in the ceiling of a local high school. I’m even hazier on this one then I am on the last one and the only witness to it was one of my co-workers so I’m super sketchy on what exactly happened but I have the vague recollection of walking on an extremely narrow walkway and slamming my head VERY hard against a metal cooling unit. I fell onto the aforementioned narrow walkway but managed to somehow hold onto the railing despite the fact that the world around me was doing the hokey pokey and (according to some reports) turning itself about. I’ve been informed that for several hours afterword I sat with said co-worker in a dark recording studio and sang songs featuring many recording artists that I am too ashamed to set down in print.

For several days after I sat in my office delegating what duties I could remember to people who had more of a brain then I did (namely any vaguely human person) while I used what little brain power I had to beat Pokemon. No for real. It was literally all I could do to distract myself from the head pain but also leave me with enough spare brain power to (you know) keep the school working. I have very few memories of my Pokemon collection but I remember I had a Alakazam that essentially won the game for me and that I have long standing mental barriers against walking in tall grass.

What do psychic people have against spoons anyway? Aren't forks and knives just as hard to bend?

What do psychic people have against spoons anyway? Aren’t forks and knives just as hard to bend?

Concussion Number 3:

Go here to read this story but I must say that thanks to my wonderful wife this has definitely been the smoothest concussion recovery I have ever had and that I was in no way forced to take history tests or resort to “catching them all.”

And there you have it!! A history of my concussions!! And now a few select public service announcements.

I will probably not be posting this week. The reason for this is that I will be on vacation in Maine or (as the tourist board in Maine really should start saying) I’ll be on Mainecation!!! Woot!!!! Man. People should pay me for this stuff.

No seriously. Pay me.

Anyway I’ll be on Mainecation for a week and will be involved in various Maine related activities such as: staring at Maine, trying to convince trees to give us Syrup, and using military grade explosives to try and eat a lobster. If God wanted us to eat lobster why did he put armor plating on it? I mean cows and pigs mostly just sort of stand around waiting to be eaten. Fish practically jump into fishing boats on accident, but were we happy with that? No. We had to pick on the animals God equipped with natures equivalent of full body kevlar armor to try and eat.

No that looks super um.... edible.

No that looks super um…. edible.

Seriously, I’ll be with my family out there and am sure I will have an awesome time with them and my wife just relaxing and enjoying life and the incredible blessings with which I am blessed.

Also, if you haven’t already, you should all go to the iTunes stores right now and subscribe to the Thoughts We Might Have Had podcast. It’s awesome.

And that’s all I got, thanks for reading everyone! You all rock, and I will see you next week!

  1. I nominated you for the Liebster Award! My newest post explains:
    Enjoy your Mainecation. 🙂

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