Well hey reader people who read this site!! How are you? —– good. Good. I hope. I’ve really gotta stop asking questions on here, mostly just involves me sitting here waiting while you all don’t say anything. Ya jerks. Anyway, your abject rudeness aside, what say we take a quick look at what’s going on in ye olde cinema today shall we? With another gripped episode of:

The Box Office Top Ten

Number 10: The Last Exorcism Part 2

It seems to me that when you set out to make a movie and call it: The Last Exorcism, you are (by sheer definition) saying you probably aren’t making a sequel. That said, if the horror movie  industry has taught us anything it’s that they will shamelessly make unnecessary sequels to movies on the off chance that four, mostly drunk, people will stumble into the theater thinking that it’s the original movie. I mean the Saw series made like four movies after the main character was dead. Some of them involving the main characters corpse for reasons that were never at all clear. All I’m saying here is next time try making a more honest title like “The Almost Last Exorcism” or “Maybe the Last Exorcism” or “Only Come Watch this Movie if You Hate Your Brain.”

You Should See it Because: You hate your brain.

Number 9: Escape from Planet Earth

I feel like once "brother from another mother" stops rhyming it becomes about 400 % less cool... and it's not like it was in the arctic to begin with.

I feel like once “brother from another mother” stops rhyming it becomes about 400 % less cool… and it’s not like it was in the arctic to begin with.

At least once every few years a movie comes out that reminds us why we like Pixar and Dreamworks movies so much. Sure they’re a bit cookie cutter, and maybe even a little soulless at this point but they are at least good. Escape from Planet Earth is proof that just cause you have a lot of computers and can make fancy animations does not mean that you can make a good movie. Or even a watchable movie. You’d think that at some point in the two to three years it takes to make an animated movie the people making it would sit down and go: “man…. This is bad.” Then again I suppose at that point they’ve already poured millions of dollars in company money into it so you mine as well release it and hope that some Mom takes her kids to see this movie because she secretly doesn’t like them.

You Should See it Because: You do not like your kids.

Number 8: Silver Linings Playbook

Wow… why is this movie still around? I mean I know everyone thinks Jennifer Lawrence is hot (meh) but really? It’s been like… four months since this thing came out. Has nothing come out we want to watch more than this? Oh wait that’s right, nothing good has come out since December. Sorry. Don’t know what I was thinking there.

You Should See it Because: You think Jennifer Lawrence is hot. (I remain undecided on the hotness of Jen. I mean she’s not ugly, but I watched the Hunger Games and… she wasn’t ever really hot per se so much as she was “not unattractive… also slept in a lot of trees.”

Number 7: Safe Haven

Safe Haven: because someone had to do it.

Safe Haven: because someone had to do it.

A movie starring that guy who was the best actor in Transformers and some chick no one has ever heard of before, is this week’s really predictable chick flick. It is a glass of water, you know what you’re getting, and might be mildly refreshed but it’s not exactly something you’re dying for… Wow… that was an incredibly pretentious, “first world problem” metaphor wasn’t it? Now I feel like a jerk. Then again using the term “best actor in transformers” is like saying you were the most refined person at a Twilight convention, sure it’s a compliment but then again, you were at the convention. And Josh Duhamel was in Transformers.

You Should See it Because: You like chick flicks or are interested in watching a tidal wave of ocean panorama shots with a guy and his adorable children.

Number 6: 21 and Over

This weeks stupid, crass, dumb, idiotic, “comedy” for crass people with the sense of humor of a goldfish. Yay.

You Should See it Because: You have no brain and never ever want to date.

Number 5: Snitch

Ah the Rock. Punching things. But this time he’s punching things in a “this story is based on a true story that was probably NOTHING like this movie” sort of way. For the most part movies “based on a true story” have as much in common with the actual events as I have in common with the makers of Barney.

You Should See it Because: You’re the person the movie is based on, and you want to feel better about yourself.

Number 4: Dead Man Down

I realize this title is trying to be dramatic but… shouldn’t a “Dead Man” be “down??” I mean if a dead man was up that would be something to be concerned about, at that point he’s either a zombie or someone filled him with helium, either of which sound like a pretty good movie to me. Dead men are supposed to be down though. Cause they’re dead. Oh, and everyone says this movie kinda sucks.

Wait... blood is blood, why is it demanding blood? I'm confused.

Wait… blood is blood, why is it demanding blood? I’m confused.

You Should See it Because: You’re a dead man up.

Number 3: Identity Thief

My “recommended” comedy of the week, Identity Thief is a mildly funny movie starring two pretty funny actors in some mildly entertaining situations. Yeah… it’s not a strong recommendation.

You Should See it Because: You’re REALLY in the mood for a comedy and have nothing else to do.

Number 2: Jack the Giant Slayer

I really thought this was gonna suck but after reading around for a while on the internet I found out that is only kind of sucks!! So win for Jack… except for the “kinda” part. I mean I’m still not recommending it or anything but hey “kinda sucks” is better than “sucks” right? It’s like having milk that’s only “kind of” expired or a brother who’s only “kind of” dead. Yay!

You Should See it Because: You’ve already watched the next movie on this list and have ten dollars left that you need to get rid of.

Number 1: The Great and Powerful Oz

Unfortunately this movie makes your grandma's "yellow brick road" jokes relevant again. Oh goody.

Unfortunately this movie makes your grandma’s “yellow brick road” jokes, relevant again. Oh goody.

When this movie was first announced I was really excited, then I watched the trailers and became much less excited. However, the movie actually seems to be pretty well liked by most of the people who went to watch it so… I guess I’m recommending it. I mean I haven’t watched it yet but I’m now at least going to make a point to see it if all the four winds of my life guide me towards it. One of the few negatives I’ve heard is that it’s a little bit on the scary side for the juniors but hey I spent large portions of my tiny child life being afraid of the Wicked Witch of the West so why not pass that tradition on to the next generation? I mean who knows maybe if I hadn’t been afraid of the Witch I wouldn’t be the person that I am today… that’s not really an endorsement is it?

You Should See it Because: You’re in the mood for a good movie and are looking for a chance to scare your kids!!

So there you have it, a lot of movies I don’t recommend! Come quickly May… come save us from the doldrums!!  

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