Well hey everyone! Welcome back, and thanks for the patience and abundant support after the trials of Dentistry that occurred on Tuesday. You guys are the best and my mouth is actually starting to think about forgiving me for selling it into slavery. But enough of this personal struggle, enough hemming, and hawing, and hawking, let’s get right down to it and finish what I started last Thursday, namely: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Original Trilogy
All right so last time we covered The Curse of the Black Pearl and Dead Man’s Chest (go here to read that particular literary apple pie of deliciousness) which leaves us only with that stale cinematic PopTart:
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.
Oh boy… Okay so remember how Jack died in the last movie by getting eaten by a Kraken? Well it seems that everyone has decided that they miss Jack (because he was the best character in the movie) and that they should really go and save him (bearing in mind that they were the ones mostly responsible for his death.) So they go to China to talk to a ship captain about… um… something. This doesn’t go super well because it turns out that the China captain has already captured Will who they sent to spy on him because that seemed like a good thing to do before they came and asked for whatever it was that they were asking for.
A fight breaks out (I should mention here that Elizabeth has somehow become a master swordsmen in between the first movie and this movie. Granted it’s been a year or so but I feel her taking on lifelong pirates is a bit of a stretch, then again she’s hotter than they are so… I guess I’m okay with it.) At the end of the fight Elizabeth and Will and Barbosa (who was brought to life at the end of the last movie by the power of “He’s one of two non-terrible characters in this trilogy”) go to Davey Jone’s Locker, slip past his gym socks and anatomy textbook, and rescue Jack who has been spending his time being increasingly more and more weird.
They escape the land of the dead but are then ambushed by the China Captain Person who was put in this movie for absolutely no reason. He thinks Elizabeth is an ancient goddess of the sea named: Calypso, he believes this because… um… she’s… a woman?? Regardless of that he’s murdered about four seconds later by Davey Jones who shows up because it seemed like a good time for him to turn up for no reason at all.
At this point a lot of things happen that I did not understand but somehow at the end of all this Elizabeth gets made the Captain of the boat, thus making her one of the Nine Pirate Lords who hold a meeting at a place called “Pirates Cove” where they talk about a lot of things that don’t make sense before deciding that they can’t do anything. We’ll come back to them later but for now we have to move on to a whole other part of the movie that is happening in a place so hilariously unrelated to this place it could be a whole different movie.
It seems Jack has learned that whoever stabs the heart of Davy Jones becomes the next captain of the Flying Dutchmen (either Davy’s ship or an awesome name for a band). The heart is currently in the possession of Beckett, the movies Villain who is so important and SO villainous that he has barely been in the movie at all. Because Beckett has the heart, Jones is doing whatever Beckett tells him to do despite the fact that Jones will later demonstrate the ability to get the heart back whenever he wanted. Being the Captain of the Flying Dutchmen means your immortal but it also means that you can only come on land once a year and have to be spend all the rest of your time ferrying souls back and forth from this world to the next.
So anyway, all that is going on and Will is doing something that probably involves him whining a lot and making weird facial expressions whenever someone tells him something. But let’s get back to the Pirate Council people shall we?
It seems the original Pirates Council used some form of Magical plot device to bind the soul of Calypso (the goddess of the ocean who is in no way Keira Knightely) and now Barbosa wants to free her so that she will fight for them (the same people who have kept her imprisoned in a human body for years and years and years) “I’m sure she’ll forgive us” says someone. “We all know how forgiving immortal women are right?” The Pirates decide to do this and then go to fight Beckett thanks to the fact that they all voted to make Elizabeth (who has all of about four minutes of actual Pirate Experience) Queen of the Pirates (largely cause she is (once again) the hottest person on the ballet.)
All of this leads to a big climactic battle sequence where all of the story threads we’ve been desperately trying to follow for the last two movies are mostly left completely untied up or are tied up using logic that only a heavily medicated person hanging upside down in a pickle, could fully understand.
Calypso (who turns out to be the Witch Doctor from the last movie because she’s the only other woman around) is freed and then uses her freedom to grow into a giant and then explode into an avalanche of crabs. Yup. Crabs. She is then, never ever heard from again.
After this there’s some big naval battle during which Will and Elizabeth who (in a sub plot nobody cared about) have been fighting for reasons so heinously illogical they make my brain hurt, decide to get married. In the battle. Yup.
After this, Jack fights Daey Jones, who then stabs Will who Jack then helps to stab the Heart of Jones so that Will doesn’t die AND takes over control of the Flying Dutchmen. The Dutchmen and the Pearl then team up to win the battle and kill Beckett who was being really really evil… somewhere… apparently off-screen.
So in the end, Will and Elizabeth (who the movie seems to think are the main characters) spend their wedding night on an island and then Will has to go back to the Flying Dutchmen and he can’t take Elizabeth with him for… reasons… Elizabeth handles the fact that her husband can only see her once a year incredibly well, though she’s not wearing pants at the time so really how bad could things be? And that’s how the movie ends. Yay…
This movie is exactly the reason some movies should just never be made. Not even Jack Sparrow and Barbosa are enough to redeem the pile of sour milk and expired jam that is At Worlds End. I mean a goddess is freed and explodes into crabs!!! And then disappears. Like she’s given partial credit for making a whirlpool at some point but I feel like if that’s the best she can manage that we didn’t really need to trap her in a human body. Secondly why can’t Elizabeth just go on the Flying Dutchmen with Will? I mean Will’s dad is on the flying Dutchmen and he’s fine. In fact Elizabeth, Will, Beckett, and Jack all spent SIGNIFICANT time on the Dutchmen and we’re completely fine. The reason Davey Jones got in trouble was that he wasn’t taking the Dead people back to wherever he was supposed to take them, I mean MAYBE you could make a “she would have eventually become a sea monstery thing” but surely she could have at least split her time between being on land and being on the Dutchmen, I mean everyone else in this movie did.
So there you have it, the Pirates of the Caribbean in all its nonsensical wonderness! You’re welcome America, see you Monday!