A Dental Story

Posted: March 5, 2013 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Hey everyone, sorry for the late launch time, my phone died and I couldn’t get on the Internet so I’m doing this whole thing in the notes program on my IPod. Which means it’s probably going to be even less grammatically correct then usual. That said let’s get in the door shall we?

9:26- The first step of any dental visit is the “awkward small talk with the secretary who doesn’t really like you at all” portion. It’s not her fault. She talks to hundreds of people in a week, sitting in that chair staring at the same computer screen. She doesn’t really care how I’m doing, she just wants to know who I am so she can check a box on the computer and get back to whatever she was doing before I marched up to her tiny window. A tiny glass covered window, as though the dentist was concerned I was going to rush his secretary and steal his massive fake tooth collection.

Dentist offices always have this strange sort of “tooth themed decor” vibe going for them. Kind of like hunters hang deer heads on their walls or fishermen hang fish, or pediatricians hang children.

There’s a coat rack in here with a bible verse on it that says “your Heavenly Father knoweth you have need of all these things” somehow I feel we’re reaching on the importance of that coat rack. I’m not saying the coat rack has image issues but it definitely is one of the more pompous looking coat racks I’ve ever seen.

The waiting room is starting to fill up now. On the whole waiting rooms are social wastelands, no one goes into a waiting room excited about the prospect of making friends or picking up a casual date, waiting rooms, in essence, are like purgatory.

9:34- in the room now wearing my approved dental bib! They’ve got a great 3d diagram of my teeth on a computer screen nearby. Also a song over the loudspeaker prominently features the text “if I’ve ever needed you, Lord it’s now” I feel we’re not really encouraging a lot of calm.

9:42: well I’ve been assured the worst part is over. “The worst part” being the part where the dentist stabs me with a syringe inside of my face. Thus qualifying it for “worst part” of course the actual filling part hasn’t happened yet but the idea I’m pretty sure is that in a few minutes my mouth and I will be like the members of U2 and not really on close speaking terms. As such the doctor could savage me with a pick ax and I wouldn’t find out until much later when my mouth informed me (via pony express) that it hated me. At this point most of the left side of my face is MIA and I wonder if this is what it feels like to be the robots in the Terminator movies? I don’t know. Maybe that’s the drugs talking… I certainly can’t.

I hope all these dental charts and diagrams are for my benefit. I feel if the dentist needs a chart to help him identify my bi-cuspids, I should probably be seeing a different dentist. I feel the same way about mechanic shops, they all have these elaborate charts showing the parts of a car and you just hope that the people working on the car don’t need to use the charts as a reference.

10:15 okay. I’m out. I’m gonna go home, check back later on for some updates and final thoughts as I walk you through some mouth related trauma! For now, fare thee well!



Okay so it’s been an hour or so now and I am comfortably at home and still not on speaking terms with the left side of my face! Also: it’s really difficult to drink without the help of your tongue. Just if you were wondering. I’m still hazy on what exactly happened in there (I was not in a good position for viewing) all I know was there was a lot of drilling, some cotton, what looked very suspiciously like a glue gun, and then even more drilling. And then they asked me to bite down on a paint brush, which I’m pretty sure was purely for their amusement.

He would also occasionally ask “how are you doing” as he sat there buried up to his elbows in my vocal chords, I wasn’t sure how to respond so I just tried to moan in a way that said “Yeah I’m fine,” but also implied “though if you could hurry that would be great.” I doubt I fully conveyed my message but I feel like as long as I wasn’t screaming and stabbing the Dentist with a barn owl he was probably going to keep going regardless of what incoherent babble I babbled.

I probably should have premised all of this by saying that I hadn’t been to the dentist before last week in about… twelve years. This is a truth because my teeth did not hurt in those years. Now I sit on my couch with my mouth numb and my wallet lighter and my teeth are starting to hurt, I feel like this is all a bit counter-intuitive. Oh well then, that’s life with an insurance policy that gives you “free dental check-ups” but then not “free dental care.” This is like me offering you a free ninja sword but then charging you for the ability to stab people with it. All that said I suppose that one day, many many years in the future I’ll be able to look back on this moment and feel the filling slowly slide off of my tooth.

I’ll probably hop on here one more time this afternoon as the pain medication starts to where off and my tooth inevitably begins attacking my gum and gummy bears, thanks for reading!


Well friends, here we are at the end of the day, and what can one say really? I have a horrible taste in my mouth for one thing. No idea what the Dentist left in there but it tastes like what I always thought a Mummy would. Still though, on the whole I feel like this whole experience has left me… wiser? Maybe. Possibly. Probably actually not at all. But it’s over anyway, and aside from the fact that my jaw feels like a gopher is using it to build a dam, I largely feel exactly like I did before. So thanks Dentists and good night!

  1. The Wife says:

    The wife says “sheesh” 😉 And many years in the future, when you still have all your teeth when we kiss, I’ll be a much happier person, and look back on this moment with happiness. 🙂 Just saying. 🙂

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