Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

Posted: February 25, 2013 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , ,

Hey everyone! Yes, I am alive. Despite natures best efforts, despite an illness so gratuitous it defied all gratuity, gratitude, and graciousness I have lived!! Yeah, I caught what my wife had earlier in the week and spent Thursday-Sunday being subsequently mauled in the face by my own immune system. It was fun. But despite all that here I am, standing strong and proud with a sword in my hand and a gummy worm in my mouth and will now do that thing that I verily doeth.

Micah Retro Reviews: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

Yes, we're laughing at your mustache too.

Yes, we’re laughing at your mustache too.

I have no idea why I decided to review this movie. I only sort of remember exactly what happens in this movie but I do remember that it was all extremely weird and that there was a lot of men singing about “sobbing women” and “hides” something I definitely did not understand the first time I watched this movie. Like the first time you watched Bambi and had no clue at all what “twitterpated” actually was and once you understood it, it completely ruined the movie for you.

Also, my wife really loves this movie so I am probably going to be in huge trouble for roughly the next six months or so. Anyway, childhood and present day scarring aside, let’s take a look at Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

The Plot:

The whole movie starts with the oldest brother who I sort of think was named… Adam, wandering through town looking for a wife. As he looked Adam was checking out all of the ladies that he met with comments such as: “heavenly eyes, but oh that size” “pretty and trim, but kinda slim” “eyes of midnight, but likes Twilight” and so on and so on. I’m not saying Adam is a sexist pig with a view of women so low he’s practically standing in Death Valley, I’m just saying he sounds, looks, and smells exactly like one.

Anyway, after this brief musical number Adam meets, Milly a milkmaid who nobody likes but who meets Adams criteria for a woman because she’s hot and can cook. So Adam and Milly start seeing each other and over time foster a relationship built on mutual respect and a strong sense of care each for the other. Ha ha- no. They get marrried that day. Because Milly has the IQ of a bucket.

Milly is brought back to the cabin in the woods (not the Joss Whedon movie… unfortunately) where Milly learns that Adam neglected to mention that he lived at home with his six brothers all of whom were educated entirely by feral beavers. Millie is upset by this but decides to stay with Adam anyway because (once again) she’s not exactly Albert Einstein. So she stays, and over time gains the respect of the brothers (and her husband) mostly by withholding food from them (a tactic still widely used by women to this day). After a while though the six brothers Benjamin, Judas, Iscariot, Darth Vader, Thomas the Tank Engine, and Binky come to a shocking realization: they are single. And they want women– or bagels… one of the two.

"I don't know Millie... I'm kind of leaning towards the Bagel."

“I don’t know Millie… I’m kind of leaning towards the Bagel.”

Millie attempts to teach the guys the more common means of getting girls, namely, elaborate dance numbers. Surprisingly this does not work and the guys get into a massive (and poorly choreographed) fight scene. A fight scene that meant for years my sisters could get away with watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers because “there’s fighting in it.”

After the fight, the guys sit around feeling sorry for themselves until Adam (who you’ll remember as the mature sensitive singer of “Bless your beautiful hide”) comes up with the great idea of going into the town and kidnapping the girls! Naturally, this is seen as a great idea by all (Millie is not told, which was probably the most intelligent thing done in this entire movie.) So the guys do it, then cause an avalanche to block the mountain pass and ensure that the girls’ fathers will not be able to come and rescue them until at least late next spring.

Then again I suppose it was better then going to a dance dressed as all the colors of the rainbow again.

Then again I suppose it was better then going to a dance dressed as all the colors of the rainbow again.

Somehow after this there is an IMMENSELY creepy scene where a bunch of girls in old timey underwear, sing about how much they want to be married (cause what else are they supposed to want to do?) and then lo and behold next spring each and every one of them have developed Stockholm syndrome (when you fall in love with your kidnapper.) But then, just to round things out, when the girls are finally rescued by their parents they ALL convince their parents to let them stay by LYING to them about the parentage of Millie’s newborn baby. Yup.

In Conclusion:

As usual with these sort of retro-reviews I’m just gonna skip over the usual analysis of pros and cons. As much fun as I can have making fun of the plots of these movies and their hilarious treatment of sexism, kidnapping, and parenthood in the end it’s still a good, classical musical that I’d recommend watching… in a group. I mean if you’re a guy sitting at home alone, now is not the time to watch this (Watch Cabin in the Woods). But if your a family looking for a musical, or just some folks looking to revisit the glory days where things were simpler, songs were singier, and kidnappings were funnier then Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is the movie for you. Just, ya know, lock your doors.

Thanks for reading everyone, hopefully I will finish kickin’ this sickness and be back on Thursday!

  1. Lydia says:

    Waaaahaahaha! *Sniff* *Gasp*
    I’m okay now.
    Thanks, Micah. You have aptly expressed how I feel about that movie in a much funnier way than I ever could. Kudos.

  2. Micah says:

    Ha ha thanks Lydia! Here’s hoping Cassie forgives us both!

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