Micah’s History of Everything: The Presidents

Posted: February 19, 2013 by Micah in A History of Everything
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Hey everybody, and welcome to a very special “my wife was sick yesterday so I didn’t post” Tuesday posting! Let me tell you, I’m just as excited as you are! As you may or may not remember, last year I completely and entirely ignored most holidays, I didn’t even bother mentioning such great and festive days as “cow appreciation day” “stick a tree in a hole day (AKA arbor day)” and “International Faustus Day.” This year though, I’m turning over an old leaf (cause if it’s a new leaf I wouldn’t have to turn it over) and looking at the brown, musty, ant covered, underside of that leaf as I talk about some/most of the major holidays. We covered Valentines day (thoroughly) and now let’s talk about Presidents day (which was technically yesterday but I don’t care how old and dead you are you do NOT take precedence over my wife… that came out okay right?)with a little article I like to call:

Micah’s History of Everything: The Presidents

(Important Editor’s Note: Very very little of what you are about to read is historically accurate… in fact pretty much none of it. In fact, most of the time just take what Micah writes and assume the exact opposite is true. Micah has the journalist integrity of a melon. We’re sorry.) 

1. George Washingon: Ah Washington a man who doesn’t just have the sprawling metropolitan wonderland known as Washington DC named after him, but was also given Washington State, a state populated by up to 400,00,000 trees and several fans of the Twilight books. Washington’s greatest accomplishment was of course when he posed for that famous picture Washington Crossing the Delaware, and became the first (and last) President to get along with France.

They had a horrible time getting the water to hold still while the guy was paintin

They had a horrible time getting the water to hold still while the guy was painting.

2. John Adams: John Adams was, of course, famously attributed with that greatest of quotes: “Boy I hope they name some beer after me.” And man would you ever be pleased with how that turned out, John. I mean Washington just got a state populated mostly by tree moss, you got a whole brewery named after you!

3. Thomas Jefferson: Famed father of Jeff Jeffy Jefferson and first president to, for reasons entirely unbeknownst to man, spell “Tomas” “Thomas” and not have everyone talk to him like they had a severe lithp. I mean lisp.

4. James Madison: Wow there are a lot of presidents. Madison, of course, was famously named after Madison Avenue and was known as J-mad to his closest friends.

5. James Monroe: Famously adopted the Monroe Doctrine followed by his somewhat less famous adoption of the Monroe Doctor and the Monroe Marmalade.  (What?? All the jokes aren’t gonna be good here okay? I’ve got like TWENTY of these guys to get through… or is that states? Are there MORE than twenty presidents? I really should have researched this beforehand….)

6. John Quincy Adams: Not to be confused with John Adams (the beer guy) John Quincy Adams was totally different and not at all related to John Adams for several significant historical reasons such as the name Quincy and the fact that he was really more of a wine guy.

7. Andrew Jackson: Okay this was a terrible idea, I’m cherry picking. Starting now!! Oh, and Andrew Jackson was famous for coining the phrase “Sweet action my Jackson traction.” A phrase that he totally said all the time, much to the chagrin of misses Jackson and Jackson’s eldest son Jackety Jack Jackson.


1o. John Tyler: is vey famous for being the first name on the list that I totally do not recognize at all. I’m just gonna assume he spent most of his presidency taking naps and making up hilarious names for states coming into the country like: Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Canada.

11. James K. Polk: Ha ha ha. Oh man—James Polk. Probably the president with the largest group of annoying facebook friends ever!

An actual image of James' hand. Or James's hands's. Or... whatever.

An actual image of James’ hand. Or James’s hands’s. Or… whatever.

13. Millard Fillmore: Probably the president with the geekiest name, Millard Fillmore was very famous for his campaign slogan: “Purse Empty??? Fill-more!!” Yeah, we didn’t think it was very good either.

17. Andrew Johnson: was (similarly) very famous for his campaign slogan “Andrew Johnson: think of how many history students will get me confused with Andrew Jackson, and get B’s on their tests and all of their friends will LAUGH at them incessantly.” Stupid… Johnson… *continued grumbling and bitterness noises*

18. Ulysses S. Grant: How did he not have a beer named after him? I mean he was (arguably) are drunkest president and (unarguably) the president about whom drunkenness was most often discussed. I mean I’d totally go to a fridge and pull out an ice cold “Grant” on a hot summers day? Come on alcohol industry I’m handing these things out for FREE!!

21. Chester A. Arthur: Chest A Arthur was most famous for the popular PBS television show that would be named and based off of his random incoherent babblings after have one too many “Grants” then was good for him.  (see that totally worked.) (Also: Chester… tee-hee)

Yup... too many Grants.

Yup… too many Grants.

22. Grover Cleveland: A president who not only had an entire city that hates Lebron James named after him but also managed to get a popular children’s character too. Grover Cleveland must have had friends in very high places and done something fairly positive while he was president. — What? No, I have no idea what that is. I thought there were twenty presidents when I started this stupid blog and now you want to know what Grover Cleveland actually accomplished while he was actually in office? Jerk.

24. Grover Cleveland… again: What??? Either this website is broken or America is SUPER indecisive. Either that or we felt bad about naming a city that would become known for its terrible sports teams after him, so we brought the old guy back so we could give him something fuzzy and adorable to think of, in which case I totally get it.

By far my favorite president.

By far my favorite president.

27. William Howard Taft: How did this guy get into the presidency? I mean I can think of three derogatory political words that rhyme with Taft off the top of my head: “Daft” “Graff” ummm…. “Draft.. ya know… cause it’d be windy… which is a negative… shut-up.” The point is there’s a reason Washington doesn’t rhyme with anything negative (Bossington was as close as I could get and that was after sitting here for WAY longer then I’m going to admit trying to think of something). This is like walking up to your opponent and handing him a list of ways to make you look like an idiot and somehow whatever guy ran against Taft apparently missed that memo. Sheeshk.

30 +31: Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover: Presidents during America’s famous Alliteration phase Coolidge and Hoover would go on to misspell the word College and sell a ton of vacuums, respectively. (If it hadn’t been for Warren Harding then Woodrow Wilson would have made this a tri-fecta of alliteration. Come on America, get your act together.)

35: John F. Kennedy: A guy who would become incredibly famous for a tragic event: Taylor Swift breaking up with his relative. What? What do you mean there were other tragedies? I doubt it. I mean come on, they are never ever ever getting back together!!

Like, never.

Like, never.

41. George H. W. Bush: Attempted to found a tax company called H & W Bush that was just SOOO close to being successful.

42. William Clinton: Not touching this one.

43. George W. Bush: Apparently this was the son of that other Bush… and wouldn’t that technically make him more of a hedge? I’d totally vote for George Hedge, is there another one of these guys around?

44. Barack Obama: Oh. My. Goodness. There are way too many presidents. This was easily the worst idea I have ever had.

I’m gonna go take a nap… come back Thursday.

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