A Valentines Post: Part 2

Posted: February 8, 2013 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

So, as your may remember, yesterday we talked about that glorious, misunderstood, and largely unintelligible creature known as man (here’s a link to the post.) What you may not remember though is that I said that today we would be talking about the second half of my brilliant male/female analogy “women are like spaghetti.” And what you definitely don’t remember (because I definitely did not tell you at the time) was that I was brazenly lying to you. Brazenly lying like a Brazilian brazen in the bronzing light of… Bronze… ium. Bronzium. Because as I lay in bed last night, looking at the stars… I mean looking at my ceiling, I thought to myself: “I could take this guys and donuts analogy super unnecessarily further and waste tons and tons of time typing anxiously on my already emotionally traumatized keyboard!!”

So that is exactly what we are going to do today, with an article I like to call:

The Five Types of Guy: A Story Sung in Donuts

Editors note: There is no singing in this blog.

The crawler (technically spelled Cruller but who cares):

Ah the crawler, an infamous type of donut that is not actually a donut at all. When receiving a dozen donuts you know what nobody has ever said? “Dibs on the crawler.” Nobody wants the crawler. The crawler is basically two donuts that couldn’t cut it, wrapped around each other and then glued together with liquid sugar and broken dreams.

The Les Miserables of bakery items.

The Les Miserables of bakery items.

Guys who are “crawlers” are just those guys that you’re never really sure what to do with. Guys who don’t seem to be entirely there mentally… or physically. These are the types of guys who you see skipping around college campus’s (I’ve seen it happen), or randomly break out into old show tunes about “fringes” and their various locations on transportation devices called: “surreys” (I’ve heard it happen).

Crawler guys are the sort of guy that you kind of feel bad for, but that you don’t want to get to close to for fear that they might murder you in your sleep for not knowing the name of the sixth brother from Seven Brides and Seven Brothers (it was, of course, Sleepy.)

The Donut Hole:

One day in the donut factory a smooth, suave, executive in a fashionable polo and the tightest of executive pants stood looking over his kingdom and was suddenly struck with an inspiration.

“I could totally add a matching scarf to this ensemble!” Thought the executive. Moments later, he was struck with another far more donut related revelation. “I could take those little parts of the donut that we’re not using and sell them as whole seperate products! It’s like taking my trash and selling it to people!”

And thus was born the Donut Hole, and scarf related accessorizing, which is like adding an easy pull tab for anyone who wants to murder you.

Scarves: cause why make a ninja bring his own rope?

Scarves: cause why make a ninja bring his own rope?

Donut Hole guys are just those guys that your never entirely sure of. There the left-over guys who you sort of like but don’t like as much as Johnny Quarterback or Billy Four-point-o-grade-average. Sometimes Donut Hole relationships work out really well and you find yourself happily skipping off into the sunset wondering why you never gave those donut holes a try sooner. Other times, you find your tastebuds trying to deal with the lingering echoes of a sad pile of uncooperativeness.

It’s really a toss up-here. I wouldn’t commit to a donut hole guy right away, but at the same time you don’t want to miss the forest for the tree house… or something. So give that donut hole guy a try… just don’t buy the whole dozen at once.

The plain old donut:

There’s nothing at all wrong with a plain old donut. In fact some times a plain old donut can be quite refreshing in our modern world filled with bavarian creams, maple dreams, and James Deans. That said plain old donuts do lack that certain sense of danger, that unpredictability, and adventurous jelly filling that sticks to your teeth for days on end.

Plain old donut type guys are just that. They show up to the workplace of life, punch the clock, and set about their affairs. Sure they don’t rip their pants off and dance to old Journey songs, but they also don’t set the factory on fire because they’ve always wondered what would happen if they lit a match while they were re-enacting the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan with an all gasoline cast.

We like plain old donuts, and if your looking for a nice reliable sort of man-donut then more power to you and your dough. (shouldn’t that be how donut is spelled? Doughnut. And where does the nut come from? I mean sure some donuts have nuts but more donuts don’t have nuts than doughnuts that do have nuts right? Why don’t we call Jelly filled donuts doughjellies?? Great. Now I’m hungry AND confused. Stupid article idea… *continued grumbling*)

The two sider:

There are many types of “two sider” in the donut world. There’s the classic chocolate on top/plain on the bottom kind, but there’s also the maple kind, the unknown white stuff kind, and various forms of doughs, breads, nuts, and beads that we can all stick on whichever side of the donut we want to.

And here we have the Jekyll and Hyde of the bakery world.

And here we have the Jekyll and Hyde of the bakery world.

Two sider type of guys are those guys who you think you’ve got pretty figured out, right up until you realize that you don’t have them figured out at all. You get the bottom portion and you think “oh I know this guy, I’ve met tons of guys like this before, nice and plain and reliable.” But then you figure out that he is a concert pianist, or that he knows all of the lines from the Avengers verbatim, or that he’s descended from a long line of Tibetan monks sworn to guard a mystical spatula till the coming of a new age.

At this point you have to decide whether or not you’re okay with this change. You have to look at yourself and think “Do I really want to hear full re-enactments of Ironman on the bridge of that flying aircraft carrier for the rest of my life?” (of course you do.) The point here is that two siders can be both exciting and a little scary and if your seat back isn’t in the upright and locked position you might get sucked into the lower atmosphere– I mean, not make it as a couple.

The Boston Kreme:

Ah, the boston kreme. The only word ever that is allowed to spell “cream” “kreme.” Boston Kreme’s are essentially two siders with a delicious custard filling. Sure you still occasionally get a bit or two that’s just “plain old donut” or just like a two sider but more often than not your in a triple flavored heaven of deliciousness and weight gain!

Boston Kreme type guys are the sorts of guys who have the whole package. A guy with that deliciously individual top layer AND a deep cream filling of understanding, compassion, and ability to sing to you in soft dulcimer tones as you drift off to sleep. Sure he’s still a guy, still has that underlayer of plain old guyness that causes him to occasionally forget birthdays, holidays, and the names of certain loved ones (possibly even you) but he is (on the whole) a delightfully complete package.

Oh my sweet sweet goodness.

Oh my sweet sweet goodness.

And there you have it! The five types of guys, according to donuts. Check back on Monday when I actually get to the “women are like spaghetti” analogy and until then, may your hearts be light, your stomachs be heavy, and your donuts be filled with dough.

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