A Valentines post: part 1

Posted: February 7, 2013 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

For those of you who don’t know (which is to say the people who definitely SHOULD know) Valentines day is a week from today. In honor of this, I’ve decided to take a break from my rampant attack on bad movies and Amanda Seyfried and break out one of my favorite analogies from my days as a host of Outside the Box News. That’s right ladies and gentleman, it’s time to mash on that “bold font” key, smash that “center” button and write the title of this article!

On Donuts and Spaghetti and Men and Women

Ah men and woman, two of the most hilarious of God’s creations. The animal kingdom on the whole, has developed a very simple solution as far as relationships are concerned. Male A would like to procreate his species and so he and Female 2 go about meeting that mutual goal and eliminating the possibility that there species will be destroyed. You don’t hear male peacocks complaining that female peacocks only love them because of their ridiculous plumage. They don’t care. The reason this system works so well is that the male and the female of the species are not required to do that one incredibly delicate thing that makes human relationships so much more complicated: actually like one another. Now, I’m not saying that we should resort to the peacock system of procreation (after all in some corners of the animal corners the women are inclined to eat their husbands) I’m just saying this is why you don’t see a lot of cats struggling with image issues, or (for that matte) alcoholism. All that said, here is an analogy that hopefully will help you and that special someone be just a little more special this valentines day.

Men are like Donuts

Pictured: A Man

Pictured: A Man

I like donuts. There simple, easy to understand, quick to eat. You don’t have to put a lot of thought into a donut. It’s just sort of there. It’s a great way to start the day, finish the day, or (in rare cases) seize the day. Guys are (on the whole) not complicated people. For instance: Let’s say a man who we will call… Bilbert, is out on a date with a girl named…. Jill…bert. Billbert and Jillbert are generally having a good time, enjoying one another’s company, and have not yet had any allergic reactions to the nuts in the ice cream. During this date the guy will primarily be thinking (and stay with me here ladies) about the actual date he is actually currently on. He’ll wonder what farmer somewhere planted these nuts, he’ll hope that the girl is having a good time, and he will (occasionally) check the score of whatever ball game is going on. Due to this simplicity of thought he will occasionally miss out on very important cues being sent out by Jillbert. For instance:

Jillbert says: Aren’t those kids over there just the cutest things?

Billbert says: Yup.

Jillbert thinks: Oh he said yes. Hmm… that probably means he wants kids one day doesn’t it? Oh my goodness am I ready for that sort of commitment, he probably will want me to stay home with them too, I mean I’m not against the idea but what about my career? What do I tell Mildred the owner of The Happiest Horse Glue Factory when I have to quit my job because of my pending motherhoodism. Will I have to get rid of my dog, Punkylicious? Does he really think he can just tell me how to live my life like that?

Billbert thinks: Yup. They are kinda cute.

Jillbert thinks: What kind of father would he be? I mean look at the way he’s eating that clam? Is that the way a responsible father eats a clam? I think not! Then again, I guess it’s good that he has a fun side. I mean I don’t want to be married to Mr. Gibblets my old Algebra teacher do I? Then again I don’t want to have to be the bad guy while we’re raising our children. I want him to put his foot down sometimes too. Of course I think he could. I mean last week he made Punkylicious sit still while he combed him down. I guess that’s a good sign of fatherhood right?

Billbert thinks: The Sox are up by 4?! Nice. I knew Lackey would be better this year.

I could go on with that made up scenario forever. I’m not saying that guys are idiots; I’m just saying we have a strong resemblance to idiots. If an idiot is a quarter than your average guy on the street is one of those annoying Canadian coins that look almost exactly like them but that you can’t do your laundry with.

Which brings us to another important aspect of this analogy “the hole.” The hole is an important part of every guy, because some things just sort of… disappear with guys. It’s not that we mean to forget, or that we want to forget, or that we have some sort of deep seated repressed hatred, it’s just that we’re not that bright. A guy can handle only so much brain traffic at once and sometimes when the freeway is clogged with things like Diablo 3, a pending trade of Kevin Garnett, or the seven forms of lightsaber combat we tend to forget other things that some people would categorize as “more important” things like taking out the trash, doing the dishes, or the names and ages of our children. Once again it’s very important to point out that it’s not that guys don’t care, it’s just that there’s a hole there.

The hole.... anyone else getting hungry here?

The hole…. anyone else getting hungry here?

Women tend to sit around a lot and analyze men using the logic of: “surely they can’t be that stupid, right?” Well ladies, let me assure you: we can be. A lot.

I’ve heard it said that women can communicate simultaneously in up to 11 different languages. Languages like: body language, sentence structure, connotative meanings, denotative meanings, eye contact, voice pitch, voice fluctuation, atmospheric pressure, coriolis effect,  the third law of thermodynamics,  and Jane Austen. Guys on the other hand genuinely struggle to communicate simultaneously in one language (namely English). So you can see where a woman watching a man would think: “surely he must not be that stupid” while the guy across the room is thinking something that could accurately be translated as: “…”

Well, given that I have already spent a good three pages on men I suppose it’s only fair that I dedicate the same time and care to the second analogy: Women are like spaghetti. Which of course means that I will be posting about it tomorrow, because my brain hurts. Thanks for reading all you hopeful valens and tines. I’ll see you tomorrow! 

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Comments
  1. Jack says:

    It is indeed, my lord, a most absolute and excellent … metaphor.

  2. Reni says:

    May I humbly submit a suggestion? Add a few disclaimers to your intros. Something along the lines of “Persons reading the following hilarity should not: (a) Operate heavy machinery while reading previously mentioned hilarity (b) Use Papyrus type font, EVER! (c) Eat yogurt parfaits while reading twice-before-mentioned hilarity.”
    I’m sure that if such a disclaimer had been included, I would not currently be typing this through a blueberry, granola, and alien white stuff mess spewed across my screen.

  3. Micah says:

    It is indeed Jack, and Reni I feel like most people wouldn’t actually pay attention to the disclaimer anyway. Stil though we here at Thoughts We Might Have Had (namely me) would like to apolagize forr any granola related injuries.

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