2012’s Bottom Ten

Posted: January 7, 2013 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , , , , , ,

In our last column I spent the whole time being filled with the warm fuzziness of an extra morning coffee and the happy glowy memories of my ten favorite 2012 movies. There was laughter, there was crying, there was the sweet sinewy tones of Liam Neeson. But now, before we can move on completely, before we can head into 2013 with our eyes filled with hope, we must take one last look back at the broken pile of refuse and used hand wipes that were the worst movies of 2012. The bad, the worse, and the movies about a bunch of pregnant woman; ladies and gentlemen it’s time for:

2012’s Bottom 10.

As I did last year I’m going to give you a listing of the 5 worst movies that I actually watched this year, and then follow that up with the five worst movies that I didn’t watch. Cause as much fun as it would be to wander around to movie theaters throwing my money at terrible movies just so I could write this blog at the end of the year, that’s really not something I’m super interested in doing.

However to defend your happy, fuzzy internet brains from the big bad world of terrible Hollywood movies, I feel like it’s my sworn duty to warn you against movies that were so bad I wouldn’t even pay to laugh at their badity.

But first let’s look at the five movies that I watch in 2012 that have earned the distinctly repugnant “honor” of making this list.

5. Rock of Ages

The fifth spot on this list was the hardest. The top three pretty much made themselves and the 4th was obvious (if slightly painful) but the 5th spot was reserved for that fringe movie that  sort of liked but kind of didn’t and had some really weird parts. Looper almost qualified for this (a movie I really was excited about that turned out to be sort of bleh) and John Carter was given some strong consideration. Maybe John Carter was a worse movie really, but I expected John Carter to be a train wreck and while it did turn out to be a train wreck it was at least a train loaded with the soundtrack to Glee so the whole thing wasn’t a total loss.

In the end this one must go to Rock of Ages a movie I was excited about that turned out to be a downer, featured a SUPER awkward scene involving Tom Cruise and some woman I hope to never ever think of again, and a few of my favorite classic Rock songs sung by people who had no business singing them. I didn’t hate Rock of Ages but in a world where I try to only watch good movies it was a bad movie that I really wanted to be good. And thus: number five.

I couldn't find a picture of Rock of Ages that didn't feature Tom Cruise doing something obnoxious so instead here is an adorable puppy. Enjoy it while you can... it's all downhill from here.

I couldn’t find a picture of Rock of Ages that didn’t feature Tom Cruise doing something obnoxious so instead here is an adorable puppy. Enjoy it while you can… it’s all downhill from here.

4. Underworld: Awakening

Movies with posters this awesome should not suck as much as this one did.

Movies with posters this awesome should not suck as much as this one did.

Oh Underworld… how you have fallen. I’m a huge fan of the Underworld series. I loved the first movie, thought the third movie/prequel was really well done and mostly just pretend that the second movie doesn’t exist. And (like the good denial filled fan that I am) as soon as I’m done writing this paragraph I’m gonna forget that the 4th movie exists. The plot was boring and made no sense. The main character gained the ability to resurrect people somehow (and then used it on ONE person in a room filled with people who had died because of her) and there was some sort of super-werewolf on steroids who delivered one of the worst lines ever in cinema. Yup… totally forgetting about this.

3. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Ah, and now we get to the easy part. The three movies that I legitimately and without reserve completely and entirely hated in a laughable sort of way. I went to watch Breaking Dawn Part 2 with my wife because I was about to blog about it and because we decided it would be funny. And we were right. Between Edward and Bella’s constant inability to express anything even vaguely touching on “emotion” and one of the creepiest CGI babies I have ever seen in my life it took me about two minutes to start laughing hysterically. Add in the fact that a grown man/wolf person falls madly in love with a baby, the whole final thirty minutes mostly sort of doesn’t happen, and that Michael Sheen turns in one of the most hilariously over the top, horrible acting performances that I have ever seen and this movie was an instant lock to make this list.

A quick Michael Sheen thought: Sheen is a great actor, I really like him and think he does good work (Actually a vet of the Underworld movies 1 and 3… i.e. the only movies that actually happened). My current prevailing theory is he looked at the character he would be playing in Twilight and decided to just be as heinously ridiculous as possible and see if he could get away with it. He did.

****

And now for that very rarest of categories: Movies I Actually Thought Were Worse than Twilight. Much like the final three of the Top Ten list these two are fairly interchangeable as far as which was actually number 1.  The one currently with the top/bottom ranking is the one I have seen more recently but the point is not which was worse, the point is that I thought both of them were worse than TWILIGHT!

2. Haywire

A movie wherein the main characters face looked exactly like this... for the whole movie.

A movie wherein the main characters face looked exactly like this… for the whole movie.

Oh Haywire, I really can’t think of a way this movie could have been worse. The fight scenes were bad, the dialogue was terrible, the plot made no sense, the strongest actors had small parts, the worst actor played the leading character, the editing was horrendous, I mean the movie even had Channing Tatum in it just to round out the horrible, wet, gone bad mayonnaise scented,  package. Of all the movies I have watched this year, this was the one I most regretted watching. I mean, even the number one movie was bad in a mildly funny sort of way. As in “What were they possibly thinking when they made this movie?” Haywire was just bad. There was nothing funny about it. At all.

And the number one worst movie that I watched in 2012 was…

1. MirrorMirror

Just looking at this picture will drop your IQ.

Just looking at this picture will drop your IQ.

This is not exactly a huge surprise to anyone I feel. After all I delivered a full, scathing review of this movie about a month ago and like accidentally drinking expired milk, the horrible terrible languid taste of death still lingers strong over my movie pallet. It wasn’t just that the leading actress had probably never acted before. Or the fact that someone hit the lead actor (Armie Hammer) with a hammer made by the army everyday, just to be ironic. It wasn’t even Julia Roberts in what was potentially the most annoying part ever played by a Julia Roberts (which believe you me is saying A LOT!) It was that all throughout the movie you could tell that the movie really thought it was being hilarious. It wanted to be hilarious so bad that my face hurt. MirrorMirror was that annoying junior high boy who hasn’t learned to shut-up yet. It was a long plodding trek through an incredibly annoying movie all the while with the movie quietly snickering to itself about how not annoying it was being. I was not enthused.

Ah… you know I always feel better after this column. I feel like I’ve eased my burdens, loosened my baggage, and spit out the dirty water of the old year. But before the cleanse is really complete let’s take a quick look at some of the worst rated movies of this year that I didn’t actually watch. Here they are in no particular order:

A Thousand Words:

A movie starring Eddie Murphy about—ya know what? You don’t really need to know anything more than that do you? I remember back when Eddie Murphy was funny. I think… I mean I liked Shrek… and Mulan…. And apparently there was a point before then when he was famous for more than just his voice. Maybe… Anyway, the point is he is decidedly not funny now, and it’s a little sad. (It’s worth noting that this was the worst reviewed movie of the year, according to Rottentomatoes.com)

Gone:

Nothing will stop her... from making bad movies.

Nothing will stop her… from making bad movies.

Hey look!! It’s Amanda Seyfried!! You may remember Amanda as the girl who starred in last year’s official “Worst Movie of the Year” Red Riding Hood. Well here she is again with a “thriller” that lacked a certain sense of “thrill.” Oh Amanda, who would we put on these lists without you?

What to Expect when You’re Expecting:

You know all those really bad movies where a bunch of romantic comedy stars who secretly can’t actually act get together? This is like one of those except with all of said bad actors being pregnant. Man… who would have thought that this idea wouldn’t work?

Playing for Keeps:

A movie with Gerard Butler that never really looked funny, interesting, or at all romantic and turned out to be none of those things! Oh Gerard… whatever happened to that whole action movie thing you were doing? Maybe go back to that.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance:

I will never forgive Nic Cage for ruining one of my favorite super-heroes. Ghost Rider movies should write themselves! Condemned guy delivers justice with his skull on fire, how hard is that? But instead Hollywood seems to keep finding five year old boys strung out on Elmer’s glue and have them write the movies, and then giving Nic Cage all of the Elmer’s glue ever, and having him star in them. This might be the movie about which I am the most bitter in 2012… stupid Nic Cage.

Also a waste of one of the best movie taglines ever... Yeah... I'm still very bitter.

Also a waste of one of the best movie taglines ever… Yeah… bitter.

And there you have it ladies and gentlemen: the very worst of 2012! Thanks for reading, and check back on Thursday when I break out the old crystal ball and take about the ten movies I am most excited about for 2013!

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Comments
  1. Becca says:

    “Maybe John Carter was a worse movie really, but I expected John Carter to be a train wreck and while it did turn out to be a train wreck it was at least a train loaded with the soundtrack to Glee so the whole thing wasn’t a total loss.” I may need to go back and watch JC, but I don’t remember Glee in that movie….lol and wouldn’t glee on the train wreck make it worse? However I actually kinda liked parts of it. It was fun. 🙂

    Also, the tagline was dumb. I feel like: No cape. No tights. No fear. would have been a much better tagline than no face…

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