Judging Covers 12-14-12

Posted: December 14, 2012 by Micah in Movie Reviews

Well hello Internet, I’m back. Large coffee in front of me, slightly bloodshot eyes slightly focused, and my brutish sarcasm being kept firmly afloat by my own hilarious lack of sleep. Welcome back to the blog, and back to the future and back in black. I said Monday that today I would post something about Christmas and so hear it is: Christmas.

Now that that’s done let’s talk about some movie trailers huh? Cause that’s fun, and I haven’t done an episode of Judging covers since… whenever I last did one. So let’s get this goose-a-cooking shall we?

Judging Covers 12-14-12

Pacific Rim

A movie all about giant robots fighting off giant aliens who come out of the ocean and decide to murder all of humanity. What’s that? No this is nothing like transformers. Shhhh…  I don’t know, seems like a decent idea I guess. Honestly, the only thing that really strikes me about this movie is that I know absolutely none of the cast and that the giant robots don’t seem to be that cool looking. Sure Transformers had bad acting, bad writing, and a prevalence of Meaghan Fox making that one face she knows how to make, but at least the giant robots were awesome.

Plus these robots seemed to be controlled by humans which is just a little to “Power Rangers” for me. I mean at least make the robots into thinking machines so that when they’re done saving the world they can move to the country and farm Alpacas or something. It could be cool I guess but let’s just say it’s not a story that will warm your heart and make you re-think your life. Granted I rethought my life after Mirror Mirror but that was mostly in a “I’m never watching Mirror Mirror again” sort of way so… whatevs.

The Lone Ranger

Hey look! It’s Johnny Depp wearing white makeup and acting weird!! Oh wait that’s what he does all the time. Seriously though at least this time he seems to be acting weird in a relatively normal sort of way… for Johnny Depp at least. I can’t decide how I feel about this movie. On the one hand it could be moderately interesting and seems to have put together a decent cast. On the other hand… I don’t know… it feels like it’s trying a little too hard. Like whoever came up with this idea was sitting in a room trying REALLY REALLY hard to come up with a good movie idea and right as he was about to go and pitch “Toy Story 4: Savaging Your Childhood Even More” he tripped over a silver bullet and thought “The Lone Ranger!! We could put a bird on Johnny Depp’s head!” And ran off to heartily stab a pineapple… or something.

Could be a big win or just sort of a blah attempt to bring back something that nobody wants brought back, like handing someone a mostly used ketchup packet when they ask you to pass the salt.

Still though: Helen Bonham Carter, in a western?? Yes please.

The Last Stand:

Ha ha ha ha…. Oh… Oh Arnold Schwarzeneger… how are you not dead yet? I strongly suspect the man’s muscles have developed their own consciousness and are just using Arnold’s body as their own soulless vehicle of motion. That said: this will be a terrible movie.

Star Trek: Into Darkness

After blowing up the entire Star Trek universe in his last film (no really) JJ Abrams makes a sequel that will probably send even more Star Trek fans into even more hysterics. That aside though, I’m really excited about this movie. And no it’s not just because Benedict Cumberbatch has the voice of a manly Angel covered in Manly chocolate sauce and gold… though that is certainly a big part of it. I really liked the last movie (despite the fact that we hilariously called a red ball of matter “Red Matter” in a completely serious way) and I’m excited to see where the series will go next. Shut-up Star Trek fans, it’s either this or re-watching Star Trek Voyager again… hey! Hey!! Focus… nevermind, go watch it. Sheeshk.

After Earth

I really thought I was gonna like this movie until I watched the trailer for it. Will Smith and his son Willy-Will Smith (not his actual name) star in a movie about a spaceship that crashes on earth many many years into the future. Honestly though the trailer sort of made me less excited about the movie. Like the more it went on and the more footage we showed of Willy-will making faces at things and Papa Will narrating the more the movie really looked like it was gonna try and be Avatar. I’m not saying there’s no way it will be good I’m just saying I hope the movie doesn’t seem as weirdly  disjointed and “look inside yourself” as this trailer makes it seem like it will be.


In exactly the opposite way I wasn’t actually at all excited about Oblivion until I watched it’s trailer and now I sort of am… a lot. I’m not a big Tom Cruise fan but this film REALLY seems to be coming from a cool place and telling a really interesting story. Plus anytime Morgan Freeman is in a trailer I am legally obligated to be excited about that movie. It’s a law. Oblivion seems to have a lot going on with it and a very cool storyline and while Tom Cruise is not my favorite actor neither is he say… Amanda Siegfried. So there’s that.

Man of Steel

Ah yes… the main course. Zack Snyder, who made the SUPER bizarre choice to launch Man of Steel’s first trailer accompanied by Lord of the Rings music that was really obviously Lord of the Rings music, has now decided to steal the music from Gladiator which is only slightly less bizarre and mildly less annoying. That said: this is an awesome trailer. I mean the movie seems to be headed in a good direction and here’s the one thing I think it has going for it: it’s an origin movie. Superman Returns (the most recent Superman movie and one of the top five worst superhero movies ever) tried to be a continuation of the Superman story but the problem with Superman is he has ZERO internal conflict. He stands for light, liberty, and the American way. Which is not a bad thing… unless you’re trying to make an interesting movie. Cause Superman is an ideal, he’s something we strive to be and we want to watch characters in movies strive to be something, Superman movies fail because Superman has already arrived. He’s not striving to be anything, he’s a world destroying mega-man with an inconvenient allergy to shiny green things. That’s it.

An origin story though lets you watch Superman become that ideal, which is awesome. With DC Comics (the comic book people behind Superman, Batman, and a lot of other really stupid heroes) making noise about making a Justice League movie (think Avengers but with Superman, Batman, and a ton of other really stupid heroes) I actually have hope for Superman going down the road. Superman is the Hulk of DC. He’s a lot of fun, and can be really cool but he’s not exactly someone who should have his own movie. Assuming Snyder can pull off a good origin story for Superman we can hopefully just all sit back and wait for the thirty minutes in every Justice League movie where he punches things in the face.

I’m excited about this movie now, but let’s all remember that Superman Returns had a pretty kick butt trailer too and it featured Superman using his powers to spy on his ex so… yeah. Cautiously excited.

And there you have it friends. A ton of movies, a ton of trailers, and a little Christmas… right this very minute!!

Finally today, I just want to say that I’m praying for the parents and children who were involved in what was a senseless, heartless act of violence. I strongly thought about not posting this today but it seemed to me that on days like today people need a smile more then they need more time to think about all the things that are wrong with the world. I hope this article accomplished that, and I hope that we all remember to enjoy the times we have with each other and with our loved ones this Christmas and all next year. Life is such a fragile thing; enjoy it.


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