The Box Office Top Ten 12/03

Posted: December 3, 2012 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , , ,

Friends, enemies, people who live in the country. Welcome to Monday!! Ew. Gross nevermind. Whose idea was it to have me write these blogs on what is indisputably the least funny day of the week? Oh right me. Stupid self… person. Anyway now that I’m finished with my posts making fun of Twilight, what say we do a good old Box Office Top Ten post huh? Hopefully you agreed cause I already wrote the title up in massive bold “irrevocable truth” font so…. We’re doing it anyway.

Box Office Top Ten

10. The Collection

Hey, it’s a horror movie about… stuff. I’ve watched a few trailers for this and I still have absolutely no clue what it’s about. Except there’s a big scary guy with a mask who does some terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things to some people who aren’t as evil as he is. So pretty much it sounds like every horror movie ever. It’s not that I hate horror movies, it’s just that I think they’re predictable, poorly written, poorly acted, and mostly a waste of my time. So… yeah. I guess I do hate them. Merry Christmas: pass the hatred!

You should see it because: Umm… you like… blood? Maybe. I guess. In which case you should probably just stay home and stop interacting with humanity. Thanks, Micah.

9. Flight

Denzel Washington: Cooler then you, no matter what he's doing.

Denzel Washington: Cooler then you, no matter what he’s doing.

A very poorly advertised film that stars Denzel Washington as an alcoholic pilot who saves a plane from crashing after he (maybe sorta kinda) causes it to almost crash. Everyone seems to like the movie so far and it’s nice to see Denzel back to being awesome again after some less then worthy outings (did anyone watch The Book of Eli? If you did you probably wish you hadn’t.) That said it’s not exactly a movie with a huge appeal or an epic story to tell. Flight is like a piece of breakfast toast, it’s good but it’s not exactly what gets you out of bed in the morning.

You should see it because: You’re looking for a nice quite piece of filmery to enjoy with your breakfast toast. Or you still quote Remember the Titans, which (let’s face it) we all do.

8. Red Dawn

A movie that someone was just telling me was great over lunch… the movie was great and I was having lunch. I have no idea if eating lunch while watching the movie would improve it… though it probably would. Food improves pretty much every occasion with the possible exception of showers… and even then one time I—sorry what was I talking about? Oh right. Red Dawn. A movie with Chris Hemsworth and that wimpy guy from The Hunger Games. Red Dawn is your typical sort of popcorn munchy typed action movie. There are Koreans, they get blowed up. (Did anyone else not find it super suspect that the guy in the Hunger games spent who knows how long painting himself to look like a log while all the other people around him were busy stabbing themselves? You’d think at some point someone would have meandered over and murdered him while he was getting the shading right or something… what was I talking about?)

You should see it because: You’re looking for a nice loud piece of filmery to enjoy with your popcorn toast. I mean: popcorn.

7. Killing Them Softly

KILLING-THEM-SOFTLY-POSTER-header11

A movie with an awesome title that stars Brad Pitt, Killing Them Softly is a dark picture of the criminal underworld during the 2008 recession. You could say the guy directing Killing Them Softly was pushing an agenda… you could also say the ocean was wet, the sun is hot, and that George Washington could have started an awesome Laundromat (Washington’s Washers). All of these things are true. Very true. Painfully true. That said, Brad Pitt is awesome and the storyline is good though the movie is rated R for some viciously violent violence and some superbly sworing swearing. Also, alliteration… I’m a slave to it.

You should see it because: You’re in the mood for some political commentary, some Brad Pittary, and some mob violence. Which when you spell it out like that sounds like a pretty sweet mood to be in.

6. Wreck it Ralph

This is a movie that everyone keeps telling me to see and yet I remain sadly in the dark about. It’s not that I don’t want to see Ralph wreck things, it’s just that I’m busy and need to keep saving up money for the inevitable Furbie Uprising. That said, Wreck It Ralph is supposedly all cuddly and happy and nostalgic and everyone should watch it who has a soul… which may be another reason I haven’t seen it.

You should see it because: you like happiness and have a soul.

5. Life of Pi

No this movie is not called the life of pee. And no it is not about the epic journey through the U-bend. Though I had a hilarious blog written about that before my little pee bubble was burst… ew. Hang on… let me start that again.

So the “Pi” is pronounced “pie” as in “Cherry rhubarb.” Anyway the story is about a little boy who sinks a ship (or is on a ship that sinks… whichever) and finds a tiger on the life boat he steals… you’d think you’d notice the three hundred pound death machine hiding in a boat roughly the size of a Toyota Prius but whatever. Anyway the two must rely on each other to survive and at what point a Technicolor whale appears and… yeah.

You should see it because: Technicolor whales! I mean who DOESN’T want to see those.

Magical Green whales... cause really, why not?

Magical Green whales… cause really, why not?

4. Rise of the Guardians

A movie about Santa, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, the Sandman and Jack Frost all teaming up to defeat the evil Boogeyman, Rise of the Guardians doesn’t actually look nearly as lame as that sentence made it sound. From all accounts this is a good family movie, with a good plot, and surprisingly interesting characters. Also: Hugh Jackman and Alec Baldwin play the Easter Bunny and Santa respectively, so who doesn’t want to see that?

You should see it because: You’re in the mood for a nice family movie with interesting new takes on familiar characters. Also a review I read said everytime Santa (who is Russian) says “Pitch,” the boogeyman’s name, it sounded like a very different word. So that may either make you want to see it less or more depending on how you feel about Santa and your childrens dreams.

3. Lincoln

Steven Spielberg and Daniel Day-Lewis get together to make a movie that has “Oscar Bait” written all over it. Unlike most Oscar Bait movies, Lincoln seems to be appealing to general audiences as well as the stuffy old out of touch people who select Oscar award winners (not that I’m bitter or cynical); so that’s a nice change. Lincoln gives an interesting look into the time period and some of the politics that surrounded the Emancipation Proclamation.  A great performance by the ever awesome Tommy Lee Jones also looks to get some Oscar nods and Joseph Gordon-Levitt anchors some good portions of the film as well.

You should see it because: You’re looking for a good political drama, with some great acting, and 3 people with 2 last names!

2. Skyfall

Yup... definitely the coolest post ever.

Yup… definitely the coolest post ever.

I actually saw this over break and will probably review it on Thursday but let me just say that this movie is awesome. If you’re a fan of James Bond (or just a fan of well-made action movies on the whole) you need to see this.

You should see it because: You’re a cool sort of person who like to watch cool movies.

1. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Hey, it turns out I’m not as done making fun of Twilight as I thought! Yay!! Breaking Dawn Part 2 is the other movie I watched over break and it features a shoddy script, bad acting, and really really really bad acting. Also, Robert Pattinson’s whiny face.

I feel like this picture actively summarizes all of Twilight. Edward is in pain for reasons that are never totally clear, and Bella may or may not be thinking of buttered toast.

I feel like this picture actively summarizes all of Twilight. Edward is in pain for reasons that are never totally clear, and Bella may or may not be thinking of buttered toast.

You should see it because: You’re in the mood for a hearty laugh as teenage girls glare at you.

And my pick of the week is: Skyfall. It was a close battle between this and Rise of the Guardians as I really think that’s a great movie that not many people know about, but when the chips are down you’ve got to go with Daniel Craig. You’ve just got to.

Thanks for reading everyone! Happy weeking, and I’ll see you Thursday.

Comments
  1. Lydia says:

    Really want to see rise of the guardians, just for the bunny/kangaroo jokes.

  2. Micah says:

    Seems like solid reasoning!

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