And here we are, back again for a long days night worth of Twilight, twihards, and the twi-wizard cup tournament. Sorry, wrong franchise. Oh Harry Potter… how I miss you. Speaking of Harry Potter, did you know that Robert Pattinson might be the worst actor ever in the history of people not knowing the difference between happiness and murderous anger? Cause he is. A lot. Anyway though, enough vague insults. Enough stalling. Let’s dive right back into the last two books and the last three movies of the Twilight franchise!
This is definitely the book I know the least about, but because I’m the dedicated worker that I am I was willing to put in the time to really research, look over, and fully understand the ins and outs of this great work of literature. By which I mean that I talked to someone who likes Twilight and mostly tried not to laugh as they explained to me what happened (and/or did not happen) in Twilight: Eclipse.
Victoria (who you might remember from the first book if I had mentioned her… which I did not) hates Bella. She hates Bella because Bella has the character depth of a damp piece of tissue paper and because Bella killed her husband or Edward killed her husband… somebody killed her husband, probably for true love or free cookies or something like that. Anyway, Victoria starts biting everyone she can get a hold of so she can make a vampire army and kill Bella.
Bella who (despite deciding to be a vampire at the end of the previous book) is still a human. She’s a human because Edward doesn’t want her to become a vampire yet because he wants her to “experience human things.” Things a vampire can’t experience like: fatigue, sickness, and sickle celled anemia; and thus he expresses his true love. He won’t bite her till they’re married and Bella isn’t sure she’s ready to be married because… reasons. So she hides out with Jacob the hunky werewolf boy from the last book who is also in love with, Bella because hey it’s Washington where the state motto is: “TREES!”
Anyway, Jacob kisses Bella and Bella gets angry cause she loves Edward (but also Jacob) and then Edward gets angry and tells Jacob never to kiss Bella again (unless Bella ASKS him too) which makes total sense if you’re a vampire with a mountains worth of commitment issues who is half hoping you won’t have to spend the rest of your immortality tied to a girl with the common sense of a drunk mango.
Bella, Edward, and Jacob all take to hiding in the woods while they wait for this whole “Vampire army” thing to blow over and Edward and Jacob decide to set aside their differences for the good of Bella. Bella decides (briefly) to set aside her conflict with her own raging idiocy and agrees to marry Edward. Jacob who (you’ll remember) moments before decided he was okay with Edward, overhears their conversation and decides he’s going to go get killed. Bella who (you’ll remember) moments before agreed to marry Edward asks Jacob to kiss her (which is okay with Edward cause she ASKED) and realizes she loves Jacob, though not as much as she loves Edward who she loves slightly less then she loves Bob: King of the Tater Tots.
Victoria shows up and is killed by Edward (who Bella loves the most), Jacob (who Bella loves but only in a casual kissy sort of way) is injured, and Bella (who everyone loves for reasons that are never EVER made clear) doesn’t really do anything at all.
After the battle Bella tells Jacob that she loves him, and then punches him in the stomach, steps on his face, and dances on his kneecaps as she tells him that she loves Edward more and asks him not to interfere. Jacob (showing an insane amount of common sense) agrees to stop trying to marry Bella and instead to wait until he can marry her daughter (no seriously). And thus ends Eclipse.
Breaking Dawn starts off with a wedding. And then a super awkward HILARIOUSLY expensive honeymoon. I am not going to talk about either of these things because A: I do not care. And B: I have already thrown up enough times today, thank you. There’s a waterfall, and a speed boat, and some sparkling and then Bella is pregnant and it’s been about 200 pages of unnecessary book.
It’s also probably worth mentioning that Bella’s baby is a terrible death baby of doom who seems to have nothing better to do with its time then punch its mother in the spinal column and attempt to kill her. After many many pages of awkward pregnancy descriptions and internal emotions Bella goes into labor about a month after conceiving the child (due to its super vampire powers of growth) and Edward is forced to EAT the baby out of her stomach. Yup. EAT the BABY out of her STOMACH. Hang on I’m gonna go throw up again.
(Meanwhile check out this video and witness the return of Mongoose Improv)
Okay. I’m back. Sheeshk. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Twilight. Umm… right baby C-section with teeth. Edward saves the baby, and Bella becomes a vampire and then Jacob shows up and thinks Bella is dead. So he does the only sane logical thing he can think to do, namely: murder the baby. On the way to doing that though he “imprints” on the baby which is a horribly creepy, terrible word to describe an even more horribly creepy terrible process whereby a werewolf finds a soul mate regardless of the fact that said soul mate was born roughly four minutes ago.
So (just to recap) Bella is a vampire, Jacob is in love with her newborn daughter, and Edward is… well nothing really happened to Edward yet… or ever. Really he’s got the best part of this whole story thus far.
Next on the docket we get a lot of “Bella is enjoying being a vampire” time. Bella never stops to think to herself “Wow it would have been nice if this had happened three books ago” because she is (with all due respect) a moron. Meanwhile Bella’s child (who she named: Reneisma out of revenge for nearly murdering her during the pregnancy) is growing ridiculously quickly and is now about the size of a five year old (let us take a moment and once more mention that Jacob is soul mated with this five year old). The Voltari show up thinking that Reneisma is a stupid name and that the baby/child/soul mate is something called an “immortal child.” “Immortal Childs” are children who are (get ready for this) immortal, but it seems immortal children are unstable (as opposed to the rest of the vampires who are all calm, rational, psychopaths) and tend to murder entire villages when Mom doesn’t let them have an extra gram cracker. So the Voltori come to murder the baby and Edward and his family and friends and wolves come to protect the baby and they have a climactic battle that ends the series on an awesome note!!
HA HA no. I’m kidding. They stand around and talk for a while and then the Voltori go home. Seriously. That’s what happens.
After this “climactic” ending, Edward and Bella hang around and love each other, and Jacob hangs around waiting for Reneisma to change her name to something sensible and get old enough so that he can marry her. And then the book ends. Yay…
And there you have it. Twilight. In all its resplendent glory. You’re welcome, Internet. You’re welcome.
And now a special bonus review of…
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner
I get this image of Stephanie Meyer (writer of Twilight) waking up in a cold sweat one night and saying to herself: “I wonder if I could write a whole book about an extremely minor character who already died in the main books and about whom no one ever had any actual interest? I wonder if people would buy that book just because it says “Twilight” on it.” To which her publishers (who hang around her house just in case she mutters something about Edward Cullen in her sleep) replied: “Of course they will! You’re talking about people who pay full price (and then some) to watch movies they’ve already seen with really poorly put together 3d!”
And thus “The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner” was born. Bree Tanner was one of those people in Victoria’s Vampire Army from the Eclipse book. Bree does some stuff and thre’s another vampire and another other vampire and then her friend gets murdered and then all the other new vampires get murdered and then Bree gets murdered by the Voltori (just like she did in Eclipse except EXACTLY THE SAME). End of book.
End of blog. See you next week!
Also a special thanks to my wife, who (though not a fan of twilight) knows far more about it then I ever will! Most of the actual facts in this blog come from her.