The Twilight Saga Part 1

Posted: November 26, 2012 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , ,

Well hello Internet! Hopefully you all had a great thanksgiving filled with dead birds and inaccurate portrayals of American Indians. I know I did. And I enjoyed it. What’s that? I promised I would post about Twilight last week? I don’t remember that. And I’m pretty sure I would remember that. And you have no proof at all.

What? It’s still down in the previous post?? Well sure I could go back and edit it out and pretend the whole thing never happened but… that’s like… four mouse clicks. Way to much work. So I’m just gonna pretend it didn’t happen and trust that you (like me) are too lazy to scroll down the page and find out whether or not I actually said anything about Twilight.

Speaking of which, for those of you who haven’t gotten a chance to watch the new movie, watch the old movies, or care about the series at all here is a review of EVERY Twilight movie based 90 percent or so on theory and my own hilarious amount of bias!

Twilight the Saga of Sagality!

Cause I don’t hate myself enough as it is.

Twilight:

I have actually both read this book AND watched this movie. So there. Granted, this is also the only book or movie that I have interacted with, but still my credibility is off the charts for this first one!

Bella Swan is your typical, horribly named girl typed person who lives in rural… Kansas… maybe… with her mom and step-father Darth Vader (What? It’s been a while since I read the book okay. Shut-up). She is told to move to Washington State because Daddy Darth is a mass murdering psychopath… or a Minor League Baseball player… probably that second one. While in Washington State (Washington DC’s bigger but less attractive brother) Bella attends High-school, cause she’s a high schooler. There she meets Edward Cullen who attends High School because he’s a two hundred year old super-natural killing machine. And was bored… I guess.

Washington State: cause we couldn’t be bothered to look up the name of any other presidents.

That’s a facet of this story that has never made sense to me. I mean I didn’t want to go to High School when I was actually supposed to be in High School. Why would you think to yourself “You know what I really would like to do with my free time and hilariously unexplained wealth? Go back to school! And not a community college or something like that which would make WAY more sense and would allow me to come and go more freely while still getting some social interaction. Nope, I’m going to High School, where the smartest most well-balanced person has the common sense of a grapefruit!” This is like taking an alcoholic and throwing him into a bar where the drinks move around and splash themselves into his face. Like taking a person on a strict diet and throwing them into a pool made of cake.

Anyway, Edward and Bella meet, and Edward smells Bella a lot and drives a chicks car while punching a van… or something, and Bella realizes that Edward is her true love. Also, she realizes he’s a centuries old super-natural predator but this is seen as a minor inconvenience. Like learning the person you’re in love with likes Warf from Star Trek, or that they are, in fact, a bear.

Also, somewhere in here, Bella meets Jacob an Indian who is only semi-racistally portrayed, but who (at this point) is completely and totally unimportant. Anyway, Edward spins Bella right round, right round, and tells her that he loves her, but that they can’t be together and then proceeds to be together with her anyway because of the power of love. And then there’s a softball game. And a fight. And a werewolf… I think. I’m sketchy on the ending because Stephanie Meyer (for all her emotional turmoil prowess) does not know how to describe a fight and mostly settles for “Edward was hot… and then everyone was dead.”

So that was the end of the first book… I think. Though I should mention that Edward sparkles in the sunlight because… I don’t know. He’s sponsored by Kaye… or Zales. Or something.

Sparkly Vampires: Cause melting in the sunlight is SOOO 1990s.

New Moon

Bella is over at the Cullens house to celebrate her birthday, which (need I remind you) is like a banana choosing to celebrate its birthday with a Reeses Monkey (the best kind of monkey. Any monkey that could make candy that delicious is a winner in my book). But hey, whatever, this is love right?  Well Bella cuts her finger (cause she’s clumsy and a moron) and almost gets eaten because (let us remember) she’s in a house full of VAMPIRES! This is like a Banana seductively peeling itself in front of said monkey.

What expression would you call that emotion Kristin Stewart is portraying in this shot? Rigamortis?

The Cullens decide to move because they realize, in a flash of something perhaps resembling practicality, that maybe hanging out around a bunch of delicious food that you have promised not to eat is probably not the best way to keep not eating it. Bella (being the brilliant person she is) mourns the loss of the people who almost ate her repeatedly and becomes clinically depressed cause, ya know, she might live to see her next birthday.

At this point Bella discovers (through some circumstance I don’t care about) that if she almost kills herself she has an Out-of-Edward experience. Like his spirit is drawn to hers or the power of their love is unquenchable or she’s a raving psychopath with abandonment issues. I’ll let you decide.

Anyway, Bella starts trying to almost kill herself a lot and then she makes friends with Jacob Black (who is not at all similar to Sirius Black from Harry Potter who was also a half dog half human with the last name of Black. And the reason they are different is because this Black is named Jacob and is played by a card board but out of a human male.)

Sure he can’t act, but look at that hair!

Jacob is a kind, understanding boy who doesn’t eat people and happens to change into a massive death hound which (when you think about) is actually super useful. But is Bella content to just love someone who loves her back, cares about her, and probably won’t accidentally drink her like a Juicy-juice? Of course not! This is Twilight, common sense is not only not allowed, it is unheard of.

Bella finds out that Edward is planning on revealing himself to the world, a decision that makes the other Vampires (somewhat understandably) annoyed. Edward is planning on doing this because someone told him Bella (that girl he almost ate) had thrown herself of a cliff. That may sound unbelievable but let’s remember two things: first; this is Bella, a girl for whom “self-preservation” is as foreign a concept as emotional stability, and secondly: she actually threw herself off a cliff.

So Edward decides to kill himself by means of revealing his vampirosity to the public so that other vampires kill him. Which may sound like a roundabout way of doing things, but that’s just cause it is.  Anyway, Bella stops him and the Voltori (a super old type of “head vampire” who dress like they all really want to the be the Gothic Pope of Vampirica) decide that it’s okay for Bella and Edward to be in love as long as Edward turns Bella into a vampire.

Edward doesn’t want to do this though cause that would mean him and Bella would have to be in love forever and ever and that she would never age and could relate to his struggles and he wouldn’t have to worry about accidentally making her into a kit-kat bar. Wait… why didn’t he just turn her into a vampire again? Oh that’s right. He has a tiny pea sized brain. So, the book ends with Edward telling Bella he won’t turn her into a Vampire unless she marries him. Yay!!

Wow that took longer than I thought. Ya know what? Why don’t we just wait and finish off the last two movies on Thursday hm? That way I can keep pretending I know what I’m talking about, and you can all get back to Monday!! Oh… Monday. Right. Ew.

See you Thursday!

P.S. We’ve talked about this before, but let’s just revisit something real fast. Ya know what this website is? Mostly a humor site. Every once in a while I cover some more serious topics relating to movies or… movies. But primarily I hope people can come to this site and just get a good laugh. So if you really like Twilight or really think Kevin James is a talented actor (ha ha) more power to you. I’m not trying to say you should think like I do, I’m just trying to make the world dance. I mean: laugh. Yeah. I’m done, go away. Come back Thursday.

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