Well hey everyone and happy Monday! So do you guys remember way back in the day when I would review movies and things like that? When the world was simpler, before we got caught up in all these -ologies and –oscopies? Well I do. I remember. I remember the little house where I was borne, the little window where the sun came peeping in at morn. He never came a wink too soon—
“AH! No. Get out of here English Poet Thomas Hood. Get out of here with your charming rhymes and happiness.”
English Poet Thomas Hood: “But Micah I…”
English Poet Thomas Hood: “Fine… see if I lighten your day with my levity.”
“I don’t want that. I hate your levity. And your strange alliteration skills. And I hate the fact that I’ve been monologing for like half a page now for no reason!”
Anyway… I’m gonna review something again.
Micah Review’s Mirror Mirror
A movie that was announced at almost exactly the same time as that other movie about Snow White “Snow White and the Hunstman,” Mirror Mirror is about Snow White, an evil queen, and a whole lot of really really bad dialogue.
Snow White is a Princess whose father gets murdered (or DOES he?) and then her step-mother becomes the Queen, and she gets locked up (or DOES she?… Okay yes she does.) Meanwhile a handsome prince with a deep deep manly man voice comes to the kingdom looking for… something. Adventure maybe? I have no idea. Anyway the Kingdom finds itself in some financial peril and the Queen sees a prime chance for her to make some money-money by marrying some Princely… Princy… man. No wonder I stopped reviewing movies.
Snow White is cast from the Castle after the Prince begins falling in love with her and she falls in with a group of Dwarf thieves… Dwarfs who are thieves not people stealing dwarfs…. Though that’d be an interesting movie too. Anyway, she learns how to fight, through a hilariously bad montage and also manages to serve the dwarfs four course meals despite lacking any sort of ingredients, stove, or previously referenced cooking skills.
In the end Snow White must decide whether or not she wants to stand up to the Queen and the evil Monster who lives in the woods for story related, totally-not-at-all suspicious reasons. And the Prince must decide… something. And the Queen learns some valuable lesson at some point. I think. Vaguely.
Occasionally MirrorMirror has a line or two that come across as moderately clever and play on some of the classic fairy tale expectations. Every once in a while one of the jokes is moderately chuckle inducing, but that’s like saying it’s okay to go dancing in an acid rain storm because one or two of the raindrops might not melt your face.
The costumes for this movie were designed by a particularly stoned 4 year old. I mean I’m not a costume guy but… they were bad. Really bad. And even worse they were bad on purpose. You could tell that some executive somewhere got it into his tiny tiny brain-head that he wanted to be “clever” and “witty” with the costumes for this movie and so he (or she) decided they would just make them really really really ugly. I like individuality, but this is like saying it’s okay for me to throw squirrel poop at a school bus because no one else is actively doing it. There’s being different, and then there’s squirrel poop. MirrorMirror is unequivocally the latter.
The acting in the movie is just… bad. Universally. Armie Hammer (the Prince) really is a decent actor and really does have a nice voice but apparently each day before filming began someone ran him over with a bus because most of the time he just looks… dazed. As if he can’t believe he went from working with Leonardo De Caprio on an Oscar nominated film to working with the students of whatever High School drama program was cast in this movie.
Julia Roberts gets a lot of screen time but mostly wastes it by being smugly self-aware or just ridiculously annoying. You can tell she’s really trying to come off as lovable in an evil way but all she succeeds in doing is making you wish the camera would find something else to look at for a while… like a wall. Or some paint drying. Or a bear slowly digesting a fish. Really anything at all that isn’t Julia Roberts.
And finally the script… oh the script. This is a script that really really really wants to be funny. REALLY. It’s that annoying junior higher who doesn’t realize that every single thing he thinks is funny isn’t funny and so he just keeps making joke after joke after joke assuming that everyone is laughing hysterically on the inside. But they’re not, Junior Higher Bill. They’re not. It’s a movie that puts dwarfs in springy legs stilts, casts a “puppy love” spell on a Prince, and turns a man into a cockroach all because it apparently read somewhere that people liked that sort of thing. Very little of what it tries to do is actually funny, and there’s so much not funny attempts at being funny hanging around that by the time you get to something that might actually be funny it’s all you can do to crack a smile.
The above list is by no means an exhaustive detailing of all that is wrong with Mirror Mirror. I could talk to you about how multiple people get locked inside of a house when it has been well established that the house has a GAPING hole in the roof. I could talk to you about how the “monster” at the end of the movie looks like Mushu from Mulan having a particularly violent food allergy, or I could talk to you about the five hundred other things that happened that made no sense and seemed to be put into the movie just because someone in the copy room happened to inhale all of the ink from the printer at once. It was a bad movie, with no point, little plot, and a laughably un-relatable main character. I give it a 1 out of 5.
Thanks for reading everyone!! Check back in Wednesday when I voluntarily subject myself to Twilight in the name of science!