Well there you have it, friends and people I hate. The ending of Villainoscopy! I covered everyone I wanted to and now I’m gonna move on to my next series: Buiscuitology an in depth look at all the biscuits and triskets that lurk in our… what? What do you mean I said I would talk about the Villains you posted in the comments? I talked about some of them, that’s pretty close to all of them right? I mean yeah not really but let’s not argue semantics shall we? What do you mean this would make me a soulless bald faced liar from the pits of Amanda Sigfrieds huge soulless eyes? Fine. Fine. Just… leave her out of it okay? I’m having enough trouble coping with the thought of her single handedly ruining Les Mis for me. Shhhh….
A bunch of Villains I didn’t want to talk about…
The following are quotes from actual posts.
“PLEASE do Cruella DeVil. Please?”
“Yes!! Cruella deserves to be on this list of awesomeness!!”
Cruella’s main problem is that she lived in a world before Amazon, Etsy, or Animal Crackers and the ONLY way to get a fur coat in her day was to get a bunch of puppies and make your own!! Wait, what? They totally had stores back then too? Dag. Granted they didn’t have Craigslist where Cruella no doubt could have easily purchased and hired someone to do all of her puppy murdering for her but still… the plain truth of this whole thing is that Cruella could have avoided this whole thing if she had gone to Sears. Or some anger management classes.
Prince John (from Robin Hood–animated) . . . . maybe?
Prince John’s mane problem… bahahah… oh… oh the pun. It makes my tiny tiny soul warm.
Anyway, his main problem is that he’s incompetent, hires incompetents, and definitely needs to see a therapist about his “mummy” issues. I mean it’s not like he has a particularly bad plan, or even that he himself is a failure (though obviously his model for leadership could use some serious Donald Trumping) it is obvious however that whoever is running his hiring department has the mental capacity of a particularly drunk fish.
“Whales, as mammals, don’t have gills and therefore breathe oxygen, above water.”
Shhhh…. Just… stop with the science okay? I’ve had quite enough of you and your legitimate research. Monstro is watching.
Do a few (Disney) Pixar villains!
Toy Story 1:
Sid… or was Sid really the Villain? Was the villain really, in point of fact, Woody whose selfishness and jealousy was single handedly responsible for all the bad events of this movie? Ha ha no, it was Sid. He had a skull on his shirt and an evil voice. It was obviously him.
A Bugs Life:
Who was the Villain in this movie? I get it confused with Antz probably because they were both released at the same time and featured most of the same annimals and ideas… weird. Oh, wait it was a Grasshopper wasn’t it? Yeah, an evil grasshopper… maybe… though I’m starting to doubt myself. Probably just because the term “Evil Grasshopper” doesn’t exactly carry a lot of weight. Regardless he was some sort of bully person who got beaten up when the people he was bullying realized they outnumbered him four hundred million to six. Not exactly the Einstein of evil here.
That weird crab guy. And then that other chameleon monster who (let’s admit it) was horrifying. What was his name.. Ralph? Raul? Randall. That was it. This officially makes him the scariest Randall of all time which is not saying a lot as the only other Randall’s I can think of are chess players and Biologists.
Obviously the Villain here was that Dentist person… either that or his tiny niece with the headgear which would officially make her the youngest villain on this list. I’m gonna go with the little girl mainly because Finding Nemo made children with headgear everywhere secretly loathe themselves.
Wow… there were a ton of these. I’m gonna start skipping around.
Toy Story 2
Weird guy in a chicken suit. Mostly because the makers of Toy Story 2 got together and said to themselves “Ya know what I feel like Toy Story 1 was really missing? A guy in a chicken suite. Also toys making fart jokes.”
An old guy who trained dogs to fly airplanes. That right there seems like a fairly horrible idea. I don’t know about the rest of you but given a dogs roughly five second attention span and inability to A: See in color, or B: control their bladders I feel like he could have trained other creatures to pilot. Like maybe a… Panda. I can see a Panda making a super great pilot. Panda Pilot… Pedro. Pedro the Panda Pilot. You’re welcome Disney.
That giant demon bear. And that sentence alone puts this movies Villain right up there with Monstro and Yzma. I mean if you can start your pitch meeting by walking in and saying “So there’s this Giant Demon Bear that eats a king’s leg.” I’m making that movie. I don’t care if the rest of it is about the engaging world of Cracker Origami, I’m making that movie.
Toy Story 3:
Pretty sure the enemy here was my childhood memories and any chance I had of being happy. Thanks Pixar. Really needed you to make me feel guilty about all of the toys I’ve lost and given away in my lifetime. I held an all-night candle vigil for all of my old Legos and STILL feel guilty about it.
Well there you have it everyone. I think those are all the suggestions I got that I didn’t already talk about. Wow… way to be demanding!! Seriously though, thanks for the suggestions thanks for reading, thanks for spreading the word. You guys are awesome! I’ll see you Monday when I’ll get back to doing that movie review thing I do and take a look at MirrorMirror