Hey everyone! Sheeshk, what a weekend! Mostly in a good way, partially in a crazy way, and half-way in a half and half. Anyway though, you’ve probably heard enough of this hastily thrown together introduction, and are ready to get on to the equally hastily thrown together maintroduction… I mean… main part of the blog. That word made a lot more sense in my head. In unrelated news: I’ve totally lost count of how many Villainsoscopy’s I’ve done at this point… ew… that name just keeps coming back to bite me.
Tangled: Mother Goethal
A woman who found a flower and decided that the obvious solution was to sing to it, Mother Goethal lived in a perpetual state of mild-age which made no sense at all given the hairs restorative powers… but whatever.
The Villainous Problem:
Loreal Anti-aging Cream had yet to be invented. Or something. Basically Goethal had the chance to permanently live in a state of extreme youthlihood and she took that chance with both hands and raised it up as her own daughter… which (admitantly) sounds pretty creepy. Anyway, the real problem is that some guy loses a crown and climbs a tower and meets her own personal fountain of youth, and whisks the girl off on a whimsical adventure filled with old men wearing diapers.
The Villainous Solution:
Get her back. Pretty simple and straightforward really. Thing A is missing and I will retrieve Thing A by any means possible. Woot. But let’s take a look at this a little more carefully shall we?
First off Mama G your big mistake was when you decided that the best option for a hideout was somewhere inside the kingdom that was desperately searching for a lost princess. I mean it seems like if I stole someone’s daughter I might move farther away than say… next door. Did you have like a boyfriend or something that you were afraid to leave? Or a small botanical garden? At the end of the movie as you drag your now 17 year old daughter away from her tower you say “Let’s move far far away MWAHAHAHA.” Why not just do that originally? When she was a baby. And easily moved. Also why not change her birthday so that every year when torches are lit and hurled haphazardly into the heavens your prisoner doesn’t get a chance to freely associate things?
Secondly at the end of the movie you commit the hilariously common villain mistake of not just killing the person you want killed. No, instead you send him floating off into the moonset tied to a boat. Now you can say “Well she needed him alive so she could tie him to the boat convincingly” but trust me when I tell you that you can tie someone to a boat just as convincingly when they’re dead as when they’re unconscious. Trust. Me.
Meh. Not bad. I’m pretty sure birds could nest in your hair and no one would actually notice until the sparrows started squawking.
Never. EVER make one of those “let me say goodbye” or “let me save him” deals with anyone. Ever. If you’re a villain and you’ve got what you want, take that thing you want and keep it. Don’t let it say goodbye, or kiss the girl, or do the dishes. Granted the movie did cheat A LOT when the hair being cut only reversed the magic done on you and not the magic done on Eugene What-his-fitz but he was pure of heart and whatever so… yeah I actually can’t blame you too much for that.
I don’t know… Gertha… or Goatha… whatever. I mean you weren’t bad but you never showed much initiative except in making something that should have been fairly simple heinously complicated because you didn’t just keep moving when you kidnapped the Kings baby. That’s like my wife stealing my life-sized statue of Avocado Bruce Wayne and hiding it in the bathroom sink. It’s gonna come back to haunt you. Avocado Bruce Wayne always does.
The Emperor’s New Groove: Yzma
Ah Yzma, a Queen among Villains, an Empress among empanadas. Where would we be without you?
Yzma (as you well know) already won the Princess category (cause she’s dope) but let’s go ahead and talk about her anyway.
The Villainous Problem:
Yzma works for a boss who doesn’t appreciate her, is a raving egotistical maniac, and has all the managerial skills of a rubber duck with a hole drilled through it. If that’s not a problem I don’t know what is.
The Villainous Solution:
Poison him. Of course, we all know Kronk fails to poison the Emperor but that’s not really Yzma’s fault is it? And even THEN she adapts pretty well. Until Kronk doesn’t kill Kuzko (again) and she is forced to venture out on her own and kill the talky Lama typed person herself. I suppose you could raise some debate as to why she didn’t just send the guards to kill Kuzko and tell them he was just some Demon Lama using Kuzko’s spirit, but maybe she had just gotten tired of delegating at this point.
Miles of Styles. Miles. Sure her everyday dress is a bit meh, but check out this.
Or even this:
I repeat: Miles of Styles.
Yzma, of course, does not die. But she is forced to spend the rest of her days as an adorable kitten wandering the countryside without a worry or care, while Kuzko is forced to deal with the heady responsibilities of ruling a Kingdom. So really… she wins right?
Yzma, once again you just never fail to impress. A good plan, great style, and an ending that actually probably leaves you better off than the hero of the story mean that you will join Monstro at the very top of the Villain totem pole with a 10 out of 10.
All right people, only one more day of Villainoscopy to go. Check back Thursday as I cover anyone that I missed and give some final thoughts to Villains everywhere. Thanks for reading!