Villainoscopy: The Underachievers

Posted: November 9, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

What is it? Go away. It’s Friday I don’t post on… oh… I told you I would huh? Promised with a branch of holly in my hands, and a rose clasped between my toes, did I?? Fine, fine I’ll post. But you won’t like it.

Below are some underrated, underwhelming villains whose plans were either really bad, or who didn’t seem to have plans at all. A wide net of extreme failure, like Summer School or the opening of a Twlight movie.

The Aristocats: The Butler

Obviously those cats have got to go. Look at all that evil…

Okay Butler whose name I’m too lazy to look up. The old woman is leaving her fortune to her cats, BIG DEAL. Obviously the cats aren’t going to spend it themselves. They aren’t going to walk down to CatGap and start trying on high heels and ordering mouse flavored latte’s. They are going to continue being cats. You are going to be taking care of cats who can very comfortably live on 300 dollars a month. VERY comfortably. Your budget (and I’m just throwing out a number here) looks to be several million dollars a year. Somehow I think you’ll get a long all right living in your own mansion and caring for four cats. Chill. Lax.

The Jungle Book: Shir-kan

You’re a Tiger. I will never understand how you failed to kill one tiny boy in a homemade speedo. Not even like a secure speedo, a swaddling speedo. And somehow you failed to execute a plan that went: Kill Child. Eat Child (though not necessarily in that order).

The Jungle Book: That Hot Girl

The little known eventual winner of The Jungle Book was the random hot girl from the village, who no  longer had to carry her water to the river. Mogli is all chill and stuff wandering the Jungle with a bear and a leopard and you convince him that it would be much better to join society where they make you do things like work, carry water, and wear pants. And you did this with naught but  a few well-placed bats of your honeysuckle eyes. Sheeshk.

The Face of Evil

Pocahontas: Governor Radcliffe

You randomly decide to burn down the Life tree thinking “boy that’ll teach those blue skinned aliens that we don’t mean them any harm. Burning down their giant religious symbol of pacificism. That’ll keep them from fighting.” Not your best plan their General… wait… Oh that was Avatar right. Sorry. Basically apply the same words just replace “life tree” with “Chief with the voice of Darth Vader.” They were the same movie anyway.

Tarzan: That Giant Guy with the Creeper Stache

“No really… the stache looks great… no one will think you’re a murderer at all…”

Remind me what your plan was again? Bringing a bunch of animals back to Europe? Seems like that would have been a lot easier if you hadn’t antagonized the one guy who was in charge of them. Also let’s not forget the fact that you got your own stupid self killed because you lack the patience of an ADD riddled Fruit Fly.

Bambi: The Hunter

You shot Bambi’s mom. Either that or Kristin Stewart ate her. It’s hard to tell.

“I love the smell of heartache in the morning.”

Dinosaur: A comet? I think.

Did anyone actually watch this? This was like Ace Age except without all the humor, fun characters, and goodness. Anyway, I’m pretty sure the main villain in this movie was either a comet (obviously purposefully hurling itself into the earth because it’s girlfriend, Cometta, broke up with him), or it was some Velociraptors or something in which case they were probably just hunting to feed their tiny family of future murderers… so I’m a fan of that.

Velociraptors are people too. People who happen to eat other people… for fun.

Mulan: The Hulk (Chinese Edition)

In the end you were killed by a firework. I mean you were awesomely kick butt throughout the whole movie but… you got killed by a Firework.

Brother Bear: Umm… the Northern Lights?

The Evil Glow is upon you!!

I kinda liked this movie I just… mostly don’t remember what happened in it. There were some funny moose though. Ha ha… oh moose. Seriously though… I think there was an evil bear… and a Suziki who might have been the good bears brother… somehow. And there was an old woman who painted on people’s faces… that was pretty evil… maybe.

There see. I told you that you wouldn’t like it. Check back in next week as I knock out two more villains and carry on carrying on. Have a great weekend everyone!

  1. Raquel says:

    I love how you include the underachievers. ha! All the random “villians” that never get considered. 🙂

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