Villainoscopy: 2 for 1

Posted: November 8, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

Hello friends, family, people I don’t know at all who read this blog for reasons undetermined, and welcome back to Villainoscopy Awareness Week. Did you know that 10 out of every 8 people don’t know what Villainoscopy is? Do you know that Microsoft Word refuses to stop underlining Villainoscopy in squeaky red lines? Did you know that once a year in Canada a Beaver rides through the streets of Quebec on a Moose singing “Oh Canada?” That’s probably not true… though it might be. You can never tell with Beavers. And yes, that was one of those times where it’s hard to tell whether the moose or the beaver is singing “Oh Canada” but you know what? It doesn’t matter. At all. Maybe they both are singing, I don’t know. Why are you interrogating me about it?

Today, as a special tribute to Villainoscopy awareness, beavers, mooses, and my own lack of ability to make a solid decision. We’re going to look at two Villains who may not warrant their own full post, but were both beautiful, heartfelt, and enigmatic people(ish) whose voices(ish) deserved to be heard.

The Sword in the Stone: Mad (mad mad mad) Madam Mim

A woman who single-handedly help off the purple hair fad for a good decade or two.

Ah Madam Mim, Ah the Sword in the Stone, Ah the light refreshment of a cool 7Up. Madam Mim was living innocently in her house filled with horrible, terrible things when a tiny boy who had been turned into a sparrow (or something) flew inside her window. And thus was born a great song, a great duel, and a horrible case of the chicken pox.

The Villainous Problem:

Mim hates Merlin. I don’t know why, maybe they went to the same wizard school and she had a crush on him. Maybe Merlin was inadvertently responsible for the death of her cheerios. Maybe Mim just decided one day that if Merlin was gonna be the good guy she was gonna be the warty short statured bad girl. Who knows. The point is that Mim basically just hates everything Merlin wants to be and will thus destroy him.

Probably she’s just jealous of his hat.

The Villainous Solution:

Well a wizards duel of course. A giant purple dragon of course. And not of the “I love you” variety; more of the “I love genocide” style which is obviously vastly superior. I always thought genocide would have really rounded out Barney’s character.

Villainous Styles:

Where to begin? I mean sure the old woman thing was mildly disturbing but by my count you alternated into: a fox, an alligator, some sort of snake, and (once again) a giant death dragon. You do lose points for having your giant death dragon felled by a bad case of the sniffles but still… actually nevermind. That really stinks. Ya moron. You didn’t see Maleficent backing down from Prince Phillip cause she had to go down some Tums did you? No. She came down with a bad case of “sword in heart” which I’m gonna go ahead and say is a bit tougher then “dragon pox.”

This also didn’t net you many style points.

Villainous Death:

See previous section. Nothing happy.

Overall Villainhood:

Primarily working off a base of old hatred, hilarious insanity, and Play-dough you managed to create yourself quite the statuette Madam. The only problem being that right after that you got downed by the flu and had to stay in bed for a month with a bad tempi. I’ll give you a…. 5 out of 10. Not bad, but not great. Really not great.

And now moving on to:

Pinnochio: Monstro

Think of Monstro as Moby Dick’s older, tougher, cooler brother.

Yeah you forgot about Monstro didn’t you? Monstro was a whale. Though that hardly describes it, calling Monstro a whale is like calling Niagra falls “a bit of a drop” or calling Adam Sandler “mildly annoying.” Monstro is the Liam Neeson of whales. He spends half his screen time hanging out ABOVE the water. He takes naps above the water. Which is like me snagging a quick forty winks in an actively erupting volcano. “Breathing?” says Monstro in Liam Neeson’s crisply awesome, chocolate covered tones. “I consider it more of a suggestion then a demand.”

The Villainous Problem:

Nothing really. Monstro eats Geppetto and Pinocchio because their happiness annoys him. He eats Giant Squid because they’re obnoxious, and he doesn’t destroy the entire planet because (for the moment anyway) the effort wouldn’t be worth his time. Monstro doesn’t have problems, he has snack time.

How Monstro solves his problems.

Now, you may be saying “Didn’t Geppetto and Pinocchio escape from his stomach by making him sneeze? That doesn’t seem very tough.” Well Person-who-will-probably-be-eaten-by-a-whale allow me to remind you that Pinocchio caused that sneeze by lighting Monstro’s mouth on fire. And not “I accidentally put spicy sauce instead of Mild on this burrito” fire. Actual fire. And what was Monstro’s reaction to having arson committed inside of his FACE? A sneeze. That’s it.

The Villainous Solution:

Eat them again. And not even cause he was hungry. Whales don’t eat people, they eat Krille, or giant squid, or (in Monstro’s case) Atlantis. The loss of one old guy and a wooden puppet mattered not to Monstro and the lost civilization being slowly digested inside him. No, he wanted to eat them because he could. And so he put on a show that would make all of sea-world collectively tremble and wet themselves (and not with water) thereby destroying the raft, inventing the sport of surfing, and destroying Pompey all in one awesome display of whaleness.

Villainous Styles:

“I breathe above water because the air is afraid not to let me.”

Nudity. Monstro does not need your petty clothings. Just like he doesn’t need to be able to breathe to take a relaxing nap. He is clothed in the power of his own sweetness.

Villainous Death:

Monstro does not die. Ever. He still swims around in the ocean eating cities, and occasionally spitting fish out in Australia just because he was bored that day.

Overall Villainhood:

10 out of 10. Nobody beats Monstro. Others may equal his awesomeness by using things like “words” or “actual storylines” but none shall surpass him. So let it be written, so let it be swum.

And so, with that terrible pun, we end another day of Villainoscopy Awareness Week. Tell your friends everyone, because you never know how long you have until you haven’t had it… or something….

  1. dave says:

    Whales, as mammals, don’t have gills and therefore breathe oxygen, above water.

    Other than that, the writeup on Monstro was superb. He always terrified me as a child, even more than the scene when Pinnochio’s friend transforms into a kicking, braying donkey. Even though that was pretty freaky, too.

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