Villainoscopy: Gaston

Posted: November 5, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

Happy Guy Fawkes Day everyone. If you don’t know what that is, I’m sorry. You’re not as awesome as you should be. But it’s okay, I still love you. Like a proud Mama Giraffe loves her little giraffe child and its tiny adorably huge knees. Anyway though, enough critterry. Enough frippery. Enough Microsoft word trying to teach me how to spell. Let’s get to some Villainoscopy.

So my graduate speech recital is this week. (7 PM Stratton Hall on the Campus of Bob Jones University. You should come. There will be cookies.)… (Yeah, there won’t actually be cookies. Shut-up.) Which means that I will be getting little to no sleep, little to no time staring at my computer trying to figure out what I want to say to you people, and little to no time to listen to Adelle and try and figure out why “rolling in the deep” touches my soul the way it does (it doesn’t).

Basically what I’m trying to say (in a phenomenally round about way) is rather then murder myself tonight with one big blog post, I’m going to murder myself slowly by posting a lot of smaller blog posts through the week… which when you put it that way sounds like a terrible idea. But since when have terrible ideas stood between me and a hospital bed? Never. That’s when. So I’ll be doing one villain today, one tomorrow, one Thursday, and one Friday. And now (as the Walrus once said) you can’t touch this!!! Or… something.

Beauty and the Beast: Gaston

“What do you mean the Vampire glitters?”

All right, so you’re a handsome hot guy, and everyone loves you and you have muscles like the Andes mountains. No: you’re not me. My muscles are more like the Appalachian mountains… if those mountains were made out of rubber bands. Anyway, you’re Gaston and obviously the thing you want most is the thing you can’t have. Namely: A new chin. I mean: Bell.

The Villainous Problem:

The girl you like, Belle, has Stockholm Syndrome. No wait that’s not it is it? I mean she does. But that’s not it. No, the problem is that the girl you like lives with a Werelion in a massive castle inhabited primarily by the possessed spirits of Tupperware.


Women, right?

The Villainous Solution:

Murder everyone. Not a bad plan really. What’s more you murdered everyone with a sort of catchy tune about killing a Beast and something about a fanged monster stealing children in the night. So well done there. Sure, Belle would have hated you forever anyway and you probably would have gotten a lot further with a boxed set of the Hunger Games and a tall Mochiato Latte’ but you can’t fault a guy for trying right??

Oh look it’s my favorite show: Me!!

Of course I can. Villainous men tend to be of the opinion that the best way to a woman’s heart is through the chest cavity of the man she currently loves. I’m here to tell you guys, it doesn’t work. At all. While we’re on the topic another thing that doesn’t work is threatening the lives of the people she loves, the man she loves, or blowing up her home planet… which may or may not actually relate… at all. I’m telling you guys: Coffee, chocolate, love and concern. It’s the only way to go.

Villainous Style:

When was the last time you met a guy with a pony tail and thought to yourself “Man… he’s working that ponytail.” In fact does the term “Pony tail” really bring to mind something that you want to be as a man? Probably not. Hopefully not. I’m not saying it makes you look like an idiot. I’m just saying it’s makes you look like a raving moron from Moron-ingville.

Secondly anytime your “I’m going to ask that girl to marry me” outfit looks like this:

You’ll note how blurry this picture is. Not even the camera wants to look at that.

You should probably just give up, go home, and subscribe to World of Warcraft or something.

Villainous Death:

You got killed by a beast… and yourself. I don’t know exactly what happened. As far as I can remember, you got your butt kicked, then the beast spared your life, then you stabbed the beast in the back and THEN he pushed you off and you fell to a screamy death… Hmmm… not sure entirely what’s going on there Gaston but it sounds like you failed. Twice…. Nope, three times. Cause first you lost the fight (understandable given you were fighting a giant rug with claws and anger issues), then didn’t leave when he spared your life, and then you snuck up on him stabbed him and STILL managed to fall to your inevitable crushing death. I’m disappointed. Not surprised mind you, just disappointed.

Overall Villainhood:

I’m gonna actually go with a nice 4 out of 10. You weren’t terrible (you had a good plan anyway) but your reasons for the plan, execution of the plan, and semi-suicidal completely unnecessary final attack loses you major points. That’s okay cause you still have what might be the best Villain song ever, which is now FIRMLY stuck in my head.

Well that’s it for today everyone! Check back in tomorrow for a new post and a new villain!

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