Well hey the Internet! How are you? How was your weekend? Mine was okay. Busy. But I did watch Mirror-Mirror, and then I beat my head against a live bear until I forgot watching Mirror-Mirror. But more on that later. For now let’s focus on the continuing series of continuation in which I take a whole lot of Villains and subject them to the razor sharp lemon scented cleansing square that is my sarcasm. Let’s begin!
Hey look, I’m not totally ignoring Aladdin’s existence like I did in the last two series! Yay! Jafar starts off the movie playing the Royal Vizier typed person, then (in a plot move that was in no way given away by the fact that his voice sounds like murdered puppies covered in chocolate) he tries to take over the entire kingdom and marry the Sultan’s hot daughter, because hey why ever not.
The Villainous Problem:
Sultan is a really stupid name for a ruler. It makes it sound like your wife should be called “The Peppertan” or something. Nobody likes the Sultan. He’s tiny and inept and has a beard that I’m fairly sure he stole from a polar bear. Jafar is a Vizier (a much better name) who both sounds and looks evil just going to prove that when you find a book that smells like sewage and gives you a paper cut as soon as you pick it up, you can feel free to judge it by its cover.
The Villainous Solution:
A magical lamp that will grant him three wishes. Here’s the thing, Jafar: you already have a magical snake staff of hypnotization, how are you not already the Sultan? How have you not changed the title from “Sultan” to “Royal Awesome Captain… person”… yeah that got away from me… man… Anyway, you’re literally one good hypno away from being Sultan, and sure you were almost there when the Genie came bursting in but STILL this has taken you way WAY too long.
Secondly: let’s take a look at your wishes once you DID get the lamp. Wish 1: Become Sultan. Once again you gotta step up your game here. Why not go straight to “Master of the World” “King of All Mankind” or “Oprah Winfrey??” Settling for Sultan when you’ve got the world to go for is like eating an apple slice at an all you can eat bacon themed buffet.
Wish 2: Most Powerful Sorcerer in the World. Not bad, I can’t fault you too much here though “Most powerful being” might have been a little bit better. Sure it’s not as specific but still, your less likely to run into trouble.
Here are three wishes for all of you future dictators out there: 1. Immortality. 2: Most powerful being on the planet. 3: More seasons of Firefly. There! You’re good. Sure you’re not king of the world or whatever but really who wants to be King of the World? I don’t know if you’ve looked at the world lately but it’s kinda messed up and complicated and nobody likes anyone who’s in charge anyway. Plus you’re the most powerful being on the planet AND immortal, if you do decide to become the King of the World who’s gonna stop you?
And finally (though I guess I should have covered this earlier) you have a horrible, terrible habit of not killing people. This is sort of a universal problem among villains but let’s just think about this with Jafar real quick. When you capture Alladin, why throw him into the ocean? You’ve got a sword. Use it, THEN throw him into the ocean. When you become a giant poisonous snake why crush Alladin to death? You’ve got fangs. Use them.
And really finally. When your mortal enemy is giving you career advice (i.e. become a Genie) you probably should not be taking that advice. Just saying.
It’s a stupid hat Jafar. The rest of the outfit isn’t terrible, but that’s a stupid, stupid hat.
Of course technically Jafar doesn’t die until “Alladin 2: This Was a Terrible Idea” but for all points and purposes Jafar “dies” at the end of the movie when the Genie throws him into a massive sand pit. Yawn. Stupid. Thanks for playing.
Very underwhelming there, Jaffy. You wasted time by not using your Hypno staff, you wasted three wishes, and you decided to take the gentle advice of a person who had, moments before, been trying to stab you with a sword. A 4 out of 10.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: That One Super Creepy Guy
One day someone comes up to you and gives you a super ugly baby. And so you take that baby and you stick him in a bell tower so that he can become a super ugly adult and have mystical relationships with some gargoyles who are probably not actually real at all even a little bit. Makes total sense.
The Villainous Problem:
Umm… what exactly is the problem in this movie? Sure, what’s his name… I should find out his name huh? Fine. Hang on. … It’s Frollo okay? Frollo. Who wanted to know that? I certainly didn’t.
Anyway, Frodo doesn’t really like that Quasimoto ran away from the bell tower and whatever but hey, he’s a twenty something year old stuck in a bell tower with his imaginary friends what did you expect to happen?… that can’t be it… hang on a second here… Oh oh I remember. He gets a crush on Esmerelda right? Sings some creepy song about how he intermittently wants to light her on fire or kiss her right? Sheeshk. This guy has more issues then I do. And that’s saying something, at least I only want to intermittently light the cast of Jersey Shore on fire.
The Villainous Solution:
Burn everything. Not exactly the best laid plans of Mice and Men there Frodo. Though granted mice plans are generally fairly one-dimensional, but at least the other mice like the first mice during the process. Burning everything in sight is NOT the way to settle disputes my fine furry-footed friend. Trust me, I know.
I’m not even calling what you wear “styles” on account of the fact that it’s mostly “a dress.” No wonder no one will date you; first you try and light them on fire, then you put on a dress. Sheeshk, get some game.
I’m pretty sure one of the Gargoyles turns into the Devil and you ride it down to Hades. Which is actually fairly epic when you think about it. Sure, the Evil Queen from Snow White rolled a rock onto herself, but you rode a fiery demon disguised as a rock down to the pits of Tartarus, which is far more epic. As my old Grandpappy used to tell me: “Micah, if you’ve got to go, go down riding a stone demon like it’s your own tiny pony. Also: be wearing a dress.” I had a complicated childhood.
I feel we overreacted a bit at the development of our first crush… also that we waited WAY too long before developing said crush. You had a bad plan that went badly and then you wore a dress. Still though, riding fiery demons while screaming like a banshee has to count for something right? And it does count for something. It counts for a 3 out of 10.
Thanks for reading everyone, were coming up on the end of Villainoscopy so if I haven’t talked about someone you think deserves a mention be sure to post about it in the comments.