Villainoscopy Part 2

Posted: October 25, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

Well hey everyone, and welcome back to arguably the most ill named idea ever: Villainoscopy. Sure I could go back and change it and come up with a new name, and maintain some level of professionalism but let’s face it: that would take WAY too much work. So we’ll just have to stick together, hold tight to our hopes and dreams, and try not to look at the big bold fonted text that says…

Villainoscopy: Part 2

First off I have to give massive thanks and props to all of you who spread the word about Thoughts We Might Have Had! The sight is growing, numbers are rising, and let’s be honest it’s not because of me! So thanks for all the re-posts, re-tweets, and re-winds everybody. You all rock!

But enough of such jibbers and jabbers: let’s get started!!

Peter Pan: Captain Hook

Something tells me a Golden Hook wouldn’t be nearly as good an idea as it sounds.

Captain Hook, a man who wore a mustache like no one has since the golden, olden days of old. A man who made it his life’s goal to hunt down a little boy in tights, for reasons that were never made entirely clear or touched on at all. Which is gonna make this next section SUPER awkward.

The Villainous Problem:

Peter Pan… yeah. For… reasons. I mean really Captain Hook, why was there this blood feud going on here? Sure he was precocious and annoying and played a flute loudly and wore green tights and a minny skirt and would eventually go on to be played primarily by full grown women just because he was that annoying of a boy and… man… ya know what I totally get it now. You go Hook.

The Villainous Solution:

Death. I appreciate Hook’s no nonsense approach here. No poisoned apple’s or spindles or elaborate plans that involve trusting Huntsman who don’t even have the stomach to put some girls heart in a jar. (obscure song reference) Nope the plan was basically: insert sword “A” into chest cavity “B”. Which was followed buy another plan called: Explode his head. Really admiral plans there Hook. Well done.

Your big problems lie in execution. Let’s just take a quick look at the weaponry we’re using for plan A shall we?

Was Smee legally a midget? Did he get some sort of Neverland workers comp for that?? Of course Hook was also handicapped so… What do you mean this is insensitive?

Noticing anything here? Yeah, you’re losing to a guy whose fighting with what could generously be called a jackknife. And what could, somewhat less generously, be called: A particularly large toothpick. Sure, sure Peter Pan can fly but let me remind you that you have a sword and he has a sewing needle. Plus your hand is a hook! Granted this would be disadvantageous if you were say: playing hot cross buns with a baby or slapping a high five with a hot girl, but this is a swordfight!! You’re TRYING to hurt the other person. And yet you continue to not do it. This isn’t even David and Goliath so much as it Goliath and David’s near sighted younger sister.

Also, that whole bomb plan you had was great except for the part where the bomb was attached to an alarm clock that then proceeded to ring loudly before it exploded. That’s like a bear sending advanced notice to the oncoming trout that it’s hungry. That’s like a vampire randomly sparkling before he swoops in to attack his… oh wait. Nevermind. It’s a bad plan. Plus your plan was foiled by a fairy. And not even a good death sort of fairy.

I looked everywhere for a Death Fairy but it turns out that the fairy’s had nothing for me on this one. Or at least… nothing pleasant. Stupid internet.

But a fairy who would later go on to star in a movie called, Tinkerbell: Secret of the Wings. I’m ashamed of you Hook. So ashamed.

Villainous Styles:

“I feel like red is very in this year… and last year. And every year.” Neverland had very limited fashions.

I do like the outfit. Granted your chin is the size of some small Whales I’ve known but that’s not really a style issue so much as it is a “the animator fell asleep while he was drawing me” sort of issue, so I’ll let it slide. Love the outfit, love the coat, love the hat, and what can I say: you rock the stache like no one else on this list ever will… I think.

Villainous Death:

You didn’t actually die did you? Or at least we didn’t see you die. You got chased off by a crocodile and disappeared which (I’m gonna be honest) is really lame. I mean come on, at least have the guts to go down in a blaze of glory. I mean Maleficent at least had the decency to get stabbed in the chest. (Granted it’s not nearly as lame as killing yourself with a rock but still… disappointing)

Overall Villainness:

Honestly, not as good as I thought you were gonna do Hook. Sure your plan was nice and easy but that just makes the fact that you were foiled by a tiny baby knife and a fairy with no pants that much worse. And then you didn’t even have the decency to perish in a noble burst of green fire and human guacamole. I’m sorry Hook but I’m gonna have to give you a: 5 out of 10.

Okay, what else we got here… well there’s Bambi where the primary villain was you and all of your stupid human relatives. But I’m gonna just stay away from that entirely. There’s Dumbo which I don’t think had a villain but successfully ruined my childhood by forcing Dumbo’s mother to leave him all alone in the dark of the night as she sang sad songs about “baby mine”… man… hang on. I need a minute.

The Little Mermaid: Ursula

Nightmares anyone?

 

Ursula was a half woman half octopus living in the magical world of the mermaids. How did she become a half woman half octopus? One must ask oneself. Were there more? Were they like the goths of the mermaid world? Who knows, really? I certainly don’t, and even if I did I wouldn’t tell you. Ya jerk.

The Evil Problem:

Someone else was in charge of the ocean. Obviously this was a problem, despite the fact that when she was Queen of the Sea (for roughly two minutes) all she did was make herself a giant and make the whole place horrible. This isn’t exactly a super complicated problem but then again I guess if you set your sights high you’ve got nowhere to go but downwards into inevitable soul crushing defeat right? Yay!

The Evil Solution:

Ursula: A woman whose forearm was larger then her entire head… Still though, nice nails.

Anyway the obvious solution to this problem was making some sort of deal with Ariel about her voice and being a human and… ummm… How did all this work into a plan again? Somewhere in here there was something about if Ariel couldn’t get Prince Eric to fall in love with her she would become one of Ursula’s little gummy worm people… or something.

Obviously the most basic solution to Ursala’s problem was something along the lines of: Kill Eric. And/or trap the Ariel in a cage. See Ursula played this way WAY to fair. Nowhere in the contract did it say Ursula had to leave Eric alive or give Ariel a fighting chance. Ursula disguising herself as a hot girl and marrying Eric may seem like a great idea but all it really did was add another layer of stupid complication to what was already a very easy plan. If Ursula was a chef she would be the sort of person who takes a perfectly good chocolate chip cookie and then tapes a squid to it because “it’s more artistic.” Stupid chefs.

Villainous Styles:

I’m pretty sure Ursula spent most of her film time in the nude. I don’t know… it’s weird cause she has cleavage showing but also because if she is half octopus that’s her skin right? It’s also weird that I’m still thinking about this so I’m just gonna stop before I throw up in my brain.

Too late.

Villainous Death:

I’ve talked about this before at some length but I feel it still warrants special mention: Ursula got stabbed by a SHIP! A ship. And not even a particularly fast moving ship, it was a wind powered ship that (at the time) had no sails and a grand total of one crew member. And the ship didn’t even sneak up behind her and stab her in the back, it stabbed her in the front.

“Ah,” you may say “But she couldn’t see the ship cause she was so big at the time that the ship slid under her fat, beyond her gaze.”

At which point I would slap you with a Mallard.

That’s your best defense? She was so fat that a massive pirate style ship was able to disguise itself to the point where she didn’t notice it stabbing her? Yeah… that’s good.

Overall Villainness:

Not good Ursula. Not good. Yeah the Evil Queen killed herself with a rock but let’s remember the fact that the reason the boat killed you, was because you were A: fat and B: purposefully generating the storm in which the boat was sailing. Add to that the unnecessary chances you handed Ariel on a silver fish platter and you’re looking at a dismal: 3 out of 10.

Well there you go everyone: two more Villains. Thanks to your suggestions I’ve added Yzma and will be looking at some Pixar villains so keep the ideas coming and I’ll add what I can. Thanks again for all the great promotions, keep spreading the love and I’ll see you Monday!

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