Villainoscopy Part 1

Posted: October 22, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

Hey everybody, are you tired of the constant stream of “ology” that I’ve been posting lately? Do you wish I’d get back to doing whatever else I would normally do on this blog? Well you’re in luck because here’s something totally unrelated and (in fact) the complete opposite of Princessology and Prince-ology namely: Villianoscopy!! Wow… that’s way creepier when you write it out like that… man… kinda wish I’d planned further ahead with that… Oh well… nothing I can do about it now.

Part of me feels like I’m beating a dead horse with all this Disney blogging but at the same time as long as people keep congregating around to watch me beat said dead horse I suppose no one’s going to object, right? I mean the horse doesn’t mind. So we’ll see, and if the horse turns into a zombie and bites my head off, more power to that horse.

Now, unlike the last two series I’m not gonna go through every movie that has a villain/prince/princess… what? I didn’t do that in the last two series either? Oh… well then this will be just like that.

Snow White: Evil Queen Person

And she’s SOOO happy to be here! 

Another unnamed character from Snow White? Sheeeshk. Come on Walt, get your game face on. What were you, lazily making this movie because no one had ever done it before?? Jerk. Anyway, the Evil Queen was the fairest in the land (which does not say a lot for the fairness in that land mind you) but then it became Snow White (which says even less about the lands overall hotness) and then the Queen got super upset and tried to kill Snow White… because… she could.

The Evil Problem:

Umm… vanity? I guess. I mean look, I get that your looks are very important to you. But murder? Why not just throw mud at her or make her dress like Lady Gaga or something? I mean it seems like were taking things to a bit of a “fourth graders in the park” kind of solution and who wants that? Nobody. Not even the fourth graders.

The Evil Solution:

First off I appreciate your ability to delegate. Hunstman, heart in a box, sounds like a great plan. Nice, clean and efficient…. Okay so actually it probably wasn’t clean at all, but it was efficient dad gum it!! (That’s a thing right? Dad gum it? Whose gum is my dad taking anyway?)

So, after the Huntsman takes you down a notch you decide to transform yourself into an old lady (somewhat questionable) and kill Snow White with a mostly poisoned apple. Here’s my thing: Snow White is obviously not a super outdoorsy sort of person, in addition to being (to put it mildly) a complete blithering idiot. You probably didn’t need to use a “mostly completely deadly cursed apple.” I mean you probably could have handed Snow White a clearly labeled bottle reading “Totally Poisonous” and she still would have drank it if you told her it would make all of her teeny tiny brained wishes come true. That’s like trying to cleverly trick a baby into eating a twix bar by disguising it as a Baby Ruth, there’s no point. So why go with the “this will kill her UNLESS some random man kisses her corpse” when you can go with “this will kill her.”

Secondly, why not disguise yourself as something mildly less horrendous? Like a man, or a woman who didn’t look like she ate puppies for breakfast every day? I’m just saying, stealth is surely a factor. If you were really thinking outside the box you could have disguised yourself as the Huntsman but then again this is a woman who used an apparently omniscient mirror to check and see if she had zits, so I’m not exactly expecting rocket science here.

“I put my hands up in the air sometimes, singing A-o gotta kill Snow!”

Villainous Styles:

You’ve got that classic: massive death collar thing going for you which is nice. And once again you looked absolutely horrendous as the old woman but I can’t really give you much credit for that seeing as the thing was supposed to make you look LESS evil.

“yay, me programs are on!!”

Villainess Deathhood:

You killed yourself. There’s no way to sugar coat that. You rolled a giant rock, on top of your own stupid self. Fail.

Overall Villainness:

Not super great here Queeny. I give you a… 3 out of 10. Some credit for the Huntsman plan that was foiled cause apparently the guy glossed over the “May have to heartlessly murder annoying, singing women” part of his job description. But you proceed to sneeze all over those extra points by giving Snow White WAY too much credit for her intelligence and then somehow managing to murder your own self with the Rolling Stones… I mean a boulder.

Let’s see what else have we got here…. Fantasia had evil crocodiles right? Or something. What was that movie about again?? Oh right, drug use.

Ummm… Melody Time!! How could I forget about that timeless class—okay no one has ever watched that movie nevermind.

There’s the Fox and the Hound where the Villain of the movie was apparently my childhood happiness that was mercilessly destroyed forever…

Okay here we go:

Sleeping Beauty: Maleficent

And her pet bird: Fluffy Muffin

Maleficent promises to kill a girl with a spindle (she also hated spindles) then spends the next 18 years doing absolutely nothing until finally at the last possible moment she turns herself into a dragon and kills everyone…. Oh wait no, I mean dies. Turns herself into a dragon and dies. Oh, cruel world.

The Evil Problem:

Lack of popularity. Have you ever watched Mean Girls? Yeah, me either. But I’m guessing that at some point someone doesn’t invite someone else to a party cause that’s about as mean as girls get right? Yeah that’s not right at all.

Anyway, the Queen of the kingdom forgets to invite Maleficent and Maleficent takes this about as well as you would expect a half crazed horn headed woman to take not being invited to something. Is it petty? Yes. Is it as petty as getting super upset about a woman half your age being more attractive then you are? Meh. Probably not.

The Evil Solution:

Death by spindle… yeah it’s not the greatest plan ever. Did you just not like spindles, Malef? Did you have a really bad experience in fourth grade sewing class that made you into the evil green fire typed person that you are? I don’t know. Just seems kind of random. That’s like me cursing someone to burn to death by touching a toaster… which actually sounds pretty hilarious. Never mind.

As time went by of course more evil problems came up involving: three tiny fairy people no one liked, Prince Phillip (who everyone liked), and tax evasion… which I may have made up.

Can’t touch this!!

Anyway you solved the first problem by building a huge wall of death thorns and you “solved” the second problem by turning into a huge fire breathing dragon of awesomeness (which is consequently also the answer to the third problem). I gotta say, of all the solutions presented by pretty much every villain ever, that was probably the most awesome. So well done.

Villainous Styles:

First of all there are few things more stylish then a dragon but even in human form you had some fairly sick threads. I mean you can’t go wrong with the massive black cloak look and while note everyone could pull off the “goat horn head” look, you really did. I mean the Evil Queen went from “ugly with massive collar” to “REALLY ugly with massive nose” and you went from “quirky goth fashion sense” to “dragon” so I’m give you mad props on style there.

“I’m sorry IRS what did you say?? I couldn’t hear you over the noise of me changing into a DRAGON!!”

Villainous Death:

You got killed by a sword. A thrown sword, which (as everyone knows) is not exactly playing fair. I can’t knock Prince Phillip for doing it, but neither can I knock you for being killed by the throw of a man who won the Princehood elections.

Overall Villainous:

High marks for Dragon, style, and overall plan; much lower marks for over-reacting to an invitation that probably just got lost in the mail and for the weird Spindle threat. Still though great job overall and that’ll net you a very nice: 8 out of 10. I will now spend the rest of the day thinking of various situations wherein I could turn into a dragon.

All right so there are the first two! Any villains you want to see in the list? Send me a post or a PM or a comment and I’ll be sure to get to them! Thanks for reading and I’ll see ya Thursday!

  1. cscha963 says:

    Don’t forget Yzma! There may not be a princess associated with her, but there definitely is some villianisotropic awesomeness

  2. Charles says:

    Do a few (Disney) Pixar villains!

  3. Rachel says:

    Haha! Yzma!!! 😀

  4. Raquel says:

    This is too hilarious for words!!

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