Well Hello Americans and welcome to today’s blog, in which I’ll be taking a long thoughtful look at rearing and raising the next generation of tiny typed humans… Either that or just making fun of little kids as much as possible… probably the second one. Just so we’re clear.
When I was in undergrad (many years ago when the world was young and gas stations practically begged you to take their gas) I had the honor, the privilege, and the mental fortitude to work with tons of tiny children every Wednesday. In that time I learned many things about children about their hopes and dreams and (mostly) about their lack of hygiene. So here’s a guide for all you watchy children typed people, whether you be mothers, fathers, day care workers, or that poor girl who actually volunteers for these things because you think children are beautiful (tee-hee) these are for you.
Tip 1: Children are evil.
Never forget this. Sure they may look all sweet and innocent when they cuddle up to you and talk to you about how all the clouds look like fairie wings in a magical forest, but remember that they are probably just cuddling up to you so that they can get the unidentified red stain from their hands onto your nice white pants that your grandmother knit you, or so they can slip their pet worm (Malcolm the Invincible) into your hair. Usually, children do not mean to be evil, but just because a wolf doesn’t mean to bite you, doesn’t mean you won’t mutate into an unthinking killing machine every full moon, does it?
Tip 2: Avoid Santa like the plague.
When working with younger kids MOST of them still believe in Santa. Which is great. But there’s always that one snobby kid whose parents don’t like him very much who feels it is his responsibility to destroy the happiness of others. At the same time when a kid looks up at you with brown brown eyes filled with tears and says: “Is Santa real, oh Wise Master?” how do you respond to that exactly? That’s why it’s always just best to ignore Santa entirely whenever possible. When kids ask you about Santa being real turn it around on them and ask them if they think Santa is real. Or how they know that they are real and not just the dream of a super computer and Keanu Reeves. Because that second question is really hard to prove when your five. Trust me. I know.
Tip 3: Avoid the plague like the plague.
Ya know what Germs love? Everyone. Ya know who loves germs? Children. They are essentially tiny midget sized incubators who consider you their own personal Bounty paper towel. I am not one of those super clean people who carries hand sanitizer around with them at all times just in case I run into any dirt specs, but I am also not the sort of person who deliberately goes looking for cesspools so that I might get to know them through deep physical interaction and long massages. You know who is that sort of person? Tiny children.
Tip 4: A kid in the bush is worth two in the hand.
I have no idea what that means. That said if you get a chance to stick a kid in a bush: go for it. Unless it’s George Bush in which case… no actually it still works.
Tip 5: They’re probably worth it in the end… probably.
Little kids are terrible people. But every once in a while you’ll run into a kid who (occasionally) is a slightly less horrible person. And who (maybe) will grow up to be a less terrible adult. And if the world was full of less terrible adults, maybe I could get some sleep at night. Or at least carry on a decent conversation with Santa.
Some Random Thoughts because that didn’t take nearly as long as I thought it would!
Assassins Creed 3 is coming out pretty soon. There are a few things in the world that I am really passionate about (my wife, writing, video games, family, linguini, Pluto still being a planet… some other things I can’t remember…) Anyway, I really like stealth video games and I really like history, particularly American History and even more particularly American History before American History got really boring and filled with various Bush’s. Assassins Creed 3 is about an Assassin (stealthy gameplay check) and is set in Colonial America (double check) and even centers around Colonial Boston (one of my favorite cities to pretend I like so I don’t have to admit to hating anywhere that contains more than ten people at once.) I like stealthy gameplay cause there are few things that make you feel cooler then dropping into a room and killing four people before three of them know you’re there. Sure they make games where you’re kicking down doors with huge steel boots and shooting hundreds of people with a gun the size of most chevy trucks but I’ve always preferred a smarter more precise sort of killing that makes me feel like Batman.
I really liked Assassins Creed 1 and 2 but when they made “Assasin’s Creed 2.5 We Like Money”, and “Assassins Creed 2.9 Are You People Really Still Buying These Games?” I did not sign on. Now that we have FINALLY moved on to 3 though I’m officially on board. (Plus it’ll give me a chance to get more practice in with a virtual bow in the hopes of impressing my wife.)
And there you have it friends! Tips for kids, tips for video games, and tips for tipping! Have a good weekend, and we’ll see you Monday!