Princeology: The Conclusion

Posted: October 11, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

So we are back live and ready to roll right along with our final episode of Prince-ology!! A word that I have never firmly decided how to spell! Would you believe that Disney had a twelve year Prince drought  We had bears, an Emperor, Treasure hunting aliens, and a T-rex with image issues but not one single prince between Mulan (which once again was at best questionable in Princelihood) and the next movie on our list…

Tangled: Flynn Rider (AKA Eugene Fitzherbert… or something)

Flynn Ryder a man who can stand in the woods for no reason like nobody else…

Flynn Rider is mostly a jewel thief who happens to wander into a tower that houses an insane girl with long hair and a pan. After getting several concussions, Flynn agrees to take her to see the kingdom commit hilariously random acts of arson in order to get back the crown jewels for King and country… I mean… for himself.

Anyway him and Rapunzel fall in love and she fixes him with her hair which sounds weird and was weird and then at the end of the movie he becomes a Prince, mostly so he could make this list.

Princely Usefulness:

Hmmmm… not sure how I feel about this one. I mean if you think about he didn’t really do that much… He wandered into a tower, led a girl to a kingdom, rented a boat, got beat up by some dudes, and then was imprisoned… not exactly a glowing track record. Sure there was that one scene where he fought off some guys with a pan but apparently in this Kingdom pans are sentient beings capable of turning anyone into Jackie Chan. Which may or may not be true… I feel like I should test this theory out at some point… hmmm…

This might be the best picture ever…

Sure at the end of the movie he sacrifices himself for Repunzel but let’s take a look at this scenario shall we?

Flynn gets stabbed, Rapunzel makes a deal so that the witch will let her heal him but she’ll be enslaved forever, Flynn cuts off Rapunzel’s hair before she heals him so that she is worthless to the Witch and can be freed (inadvertently killing the witch for reasons that aren’t really clear. I mean technically if cutting the hair reverses all the work the hair did on the witch shouldn’t Flynn’s hand (previously healed) have started bleeding again?).

Here’s what COULD have happened if Flynn had a brain:

Flynn gets stabbed, Rapunzel makes a deal so that the witch will let her heal him but she’ll be enslaved forever, Rapunzel heals Flynn, Flynn cuts off Rapunzel’s hair, witch melty death etc. See how much better that worked? Sheeshk.

Unintentional Creepiness:

This is really Flynn’s strongest category. He was not creepy at all. That I can remember anyway… nope not getting anything… moving on.

Hair:

Awesome hair. Really the only person so far on this list who has had the sweet sweet locks of awesome that we all expect a prince to have. Well done Flynn. Well done.

I mean look at those locks?

Overall Princeliness:

I’m gonna have to hand out another silver star here… maybe we’ll put some flecks of gold in here for you but the fact that you did nothing useful and then UNNECESSARILY sacrificed yourself at the end of the movie are really sort of deal breakers. Yeah you have nice hair and weren’t weird and creepy… but as the great Confucius once said: “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.” That doesn’t really relate at all by the way I just stuck it in there cause I had nothing better to say.

The Final Countdown:

All right so rather than just telling you who won, or pulling some random character from a totally separate movie who only vaguely applies to this category (as I have done before) let’s take a blow by blow look at each Prince and their accomplishments in two very important fields.

Biggest thing killed: An important category. I mean sure we all like the wishy washy, happy wappy, breaky clappy sort of stuff but we also like a man who can defend us. A man who can step up and punch somebody in their metaphorical jugular (or their literal jugular… whatevs).

Snow White’s Prince: Umm… nothing. Mostly he just slaughtered his manliness by wearing a tiny girl skirt and singing for no reason at all.

Each time I look at this I find him more repulsive…

Prince Charming: Also nobody. Though he ineffably proved that he had NO game at all by not getting a cute girls name, never mind her digits.

Prince Phillip: Killed a DRAGON! And not even a regular Dragon, a super enchanted Dragon who shot green fire out of her mouth! Which may have just meant she was in bad need of a Tic-tac but still. Bad breath dragons are even more dangerous than regular ones.

Prince Eric: Killed a giant sea octopus… thing. Sure he killed it, but she wasn’t even paying attention when he did it and I still mostly thing it was her fault seeing as she created the storm in the first place.

The Beast: Tough call as to “Biggest thing killed” I would guess that would go to Gaston but that was less a kill and more “involuntary manslaughter” which isn’t nearly as cool.

Shang: Really didn’t kill anyone that I know of actually… maybe a Hun or two but with a name like “Hun” how hard can that be anyway?

Flynn: Killed nothing. Sure he kind of sort of inadvertently and accidentally killed the witch but since when did I start counting “kind of sort of inadvertently and accidentally”s??

Best Hair/Headware/actual hare.

Snow White’s Prince: Stupid hat. Stupid hair. Stupid man who kisses corpses. Fail.

Prince Charming: I still think it was a toupe’.

Prince Phillip: Sweet hair, and an AWESOME red hat. Come on everybody, who’s not on this bandwagon at this point?

“Look Bobbert, it’s my styles!!”

Prince Eric: Not terrible hair. Nothing notable, wore no hat and had the IQ of a fish. (no pun intended)

The Beast: Lots of hair. Cool when he was a beast, dangerously close to womanlike when he was a man. If he was Italian or Sampson I could understand.

Shang: Pretty sweet hair. Also, wore no hat.

Flynn: Very cool hair. I think he wore a pan once.

And the winner is: Prince Phillip!!!!

Super Dragon Applause!!

Who knew right? I mean I had no idea how much butt this guy actually kicked until I wrote this thing. Here’s to you Phillip! Well done and congratulations!!

Some people I left off:

Aladdin: Not sure why I left him and Jasmine off both of these lists… I just… I don’t know. Maybe I secretly hate Aladdin? Hang on… (soul searching noises)  yup, I hate Aladdin. Sorry.

The Sword in the Stone: Arthur was never technically a Prince. Plus I would have had to give him a bad score because he never actually did much other than yell for Merlin and accidentally commit vandalism that somehow was totally okay and made him a king, and I really really like the Sword in the Stone… so I didn’t do that.

And there you have it friends. The conclusion of another Epic somewhat Disney themed series!! Who knows, maybe at some point I’ll do another one, maybe Villianology, or even Villain Side-kick ology! Who knows… who knows…

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Comments
  1. Becca says:

    What about the prince from the “Princess and the frog” ???? i mean he was cool 🙂 However I completely agree with you, Philip is the best prince, he’s been my favorite from the start.

    • Micah says:

      Okay Becca, confession time. I have not watched The Princess in the Frog. Not even a little bit. I really have no idea why and I probably should at some point but… there you are. I seriously don’t even know what it’s about, though I’m fairly sure there’s a princess and a frog, and I’m sure that at some point the one kisseth the other.

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