Princeology Part 1

Posted: September 24, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

Ya know, it just seems like a few weeks ago that I concluded what was easily the most epic and least manly thing I have done since second grade English (which I failed. Obviously.) And yet here we are again, staring over the precipice of a new adventure, a new height, a new chance for me to ruin your childhood’s favorite movies with my never ending barrage of sarcasm and hatred brought on by… something… that I’m sure happened when I was a child. Maybe that one time where the tractor ran over my canary? Ha ha, no. I’m kidding. It was a pigeon. Either way here I am set for another series of indeterminate length in which I will make up a lot of numbers that no one will care about and probably talk a lot about hair. So…. Let’s do this!!

With Princeology we’re going to try something new that we were way way to unsophisticated to try when we did the original articles way back in the two weeks ago. Namely: I’m gonna go in order of release dates. So we’ll be taking each Disney animated movie and categorizing their overall princeliness based on several categories which I will no doubt be totally making up in the next few minutes.

Snow White: Prince… Princington.

Disney opens it’s animated vaults and the first thing to hop out was a guy wearing a mini-skirt and blue tights… this is gonna be a long day.

So… when I first went to write this thing I realized that I had no idea what this guy’s name was. So rather than go back and watch the movie, I did what any blood reded, hard-nosed journalist would do and I googled it!! Only to find out that in the actual Disney version of this movie the guy did not have a name. At all.  Anyway Prince Smoldyface’s lack of name aside he wanders into the castle courtyard one day for reasons that are never really made one hundred percent (or even one percent) clear. He then sings at Snow White, while she (in a rare sign of mental aptitude) runs screaming away. Then (in a not-rare sign of utter mental destitution) she comes back. He then disappears (I think) and returns at the end of the movie to kiss a dead girl he has never actually spoken to or met. Yay!!

Prince Usefullness:

Umm… well there’s the singing thing… which I guess he’s good at. If you like that style of singing and/or  being attacked in the ear canal by an angry canary. And then there’s the kissing. Which I guess is semi-valuable seeing as only “True loves kiss” would break the curse. So I guess if we were to attribute Prince Pappy with a power it would be… falling in love quickly with no justification! Yay?

Unintentional Creepiness:

Well let’s see here: You sang at a stranger. And then deeply kissed that stranger WHILE SHE WAS DEAD!!! I can’t emphasize that part enough. Dead. Death. Deathlyhood. Residing in a permanent state of shortness of breath. Dead.

Ya moron.

Hair:

Very blah on the hair here. His hair just sort of happens, like natural disasters, or Superman Returns the movie, it just sort of exists and no one is entirely sure why. Though you do lose points for having one of the weirdest hats ever.

Hat. Also still those tights. I was gonna put up more picture of this guy but I can’t bring myself to do it.

 

Overall princeliness:

I’m giving you a star made of… loosely packed clay… in which a mole slobbered. (Gold star being the highest ranking… I think) You just didn’t bring your “A” game to this one. In fact you sort of brought no game at all. We had family game night and you showed up with a CD recording of “The Birds of America” and a live bear attached to your calf. Thanks Prince Willber, thanks a lot.

(Side note: I’m skipping movies that don’t have princes in them. I.E. Fantasia which was a movie made by Walt Disney Co. after huge quantities of marijuana was dumped into their water supply.)

Cinderella: Prince Charming

Pardon the Prince while he fixes his belt buckle. The best part about this shot is you know some artist painstakingly labored to make what can only accurately be described as a “buckle-fix” shot. Woot!

And yes, that is his actual name. Prince Charming… sheeshk. Why not just name your child Long-suffering. Or Prince Helps-a-lot. Jerk. Anyway the Prince’s main claim to fame in Cinderella is hosting a ball and not managing to so much as find out the name of the girl he was attracted to. So well done there.

You know what the first thing I would do when dancing with a woman would be?? I would ask her what her name was. You? What did you do? You danced around for like ten minutes making eye babys and not speaking to her. That’s not very charming now is it, Charming?? Anyway once she did run away to turn back into a pumpkin or whatever you got the great idea to go around the kingdom and try that shoe on every “eligible maiden” in the kingdom. Points for commitment I guess but that’s a lot of feet you’re gonna be touching there buckeroonski. And as we all know touching feet is… not charming.

Unintentional Creepiness:

Ten minutes of no speaky eye babyness has got to count for a good deal of creepin’. I mean it wouldn’t be so bad if you were in Junior high or something but let’s face it: you’re not. Also your name is Charming. Step up to the plate.

And then there’s the fact that you were so infatuated with a women after ten minutes of dancing that you decided to grab a ton of women’s feet and try to stick them into a glass slipper. I mean don’t get me wrong, dancing is a great way to meet women! A great way! Just… don’t grab their feet afterwards.

“so… what’s your name?” See? It’s that easy?

Hair:

So… your hair is perfectly coifed. Perfectly. And it’s coifed in this sort of weird kind of part/stack up thing that may or may not be possible for human follicles. Do you have a wig Charming? Is it made of Charmin? Is it a Charmin charming, Charming wig? Is it? I say yes.

Overall Princeliness:

I’m just gonna give you a star made of barbed wire. Don’t hurt your delicate feet grabby hands taking it. If I learned anything writing this blog man it was that between your lack of speaking ability, intense stare, foot grabiness, and wig made of toilet paper; you sir: are not charming.

And there you have it ladies and gentleman. Day 1. A day filled with Prince’s who didn’t do much and when they did do something were a rather hardcore mix of extremely ineffective and horribly creepy. Thanks for reading, check back Thursday for part 2!

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Comments
  1. andrewscheps says:

    “Unintentional Creepiness: -Well let’s see here: You sang at a stranger. And then deeply kissed that stranger WHILE SHE WAS DEAD!!!”

    SO FUNNY!! Thanks Micah! Your writings have accomplished the feat of making-me-laugh-out-loud-by-means-of-reading-text. (*applause)

    • Micah says:

      Ha ha well thanks. Though I don’t do it for the applause, I do it for cash… which I still haven’t gotten yet… SO I guess really thanks for the applause cause that’s apparently all I’m gettin’!

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