Okay, so after two weeks of writing about Princesses and their relative comparative princessisms I think it’s about time to get back to doing what I do best on this website. Which is of course, failing to punctuate sentences! I mean, misspelling things! I mean… movie reviewing… Yeah.
So at some point in the last two weeks someone asked me why I wasn’t reviewing movies on this site as much anymore. The reason for this is fairly simple: I don’t watch that many movies anymore. The reasons for that are many, sundry, and include (but are not limited too) me being married and wanting to spend time with my wife, me being in school, me being in a play, me writing a play, and me not really having any movies in theaters that I’m willing to pay ten bucks to watch. That said… and since I don’t want to leave you all lost and confused as to what the world without wantonly wants. Here’s a list of the top ten movies in America and whether or not you should watch it.
Movie 10: The Campaign
I’m doing this in order from least to most grossing and by that I don’t mean which movie I find to be the grossest but rather by which movie grossed the most money. And schlepping in at number 10 is The Campaign. A “comedy” starring Will Ferrel and Zach Galla-whatever The Campaign is your typical comedy fodder. Frankly, I don’t find most comedies that interesting or funny these days but if this is your sort of thing I suppose you could… yeah don’t do it. Please. Don’t go, save your brain.
You should watch it this week cause: you hate your brain.
Movie 9: The Odd Life of Timothy Green
This weeks cuddly typed child’s movie, The Odd Life of Timothy Green is a delightful family friendly snickers bar of a movie. You’re not really gonna satisfy any deep need to be entertained here but at the same time if you’ve got a kid and don’t have enough rope left to tie him to a tree while you play video games, you might as well take him to watch this movie. Also I used to have a crush on Jennifer Garner to the point where I talked myself into watching Elektra, which might be the worst comic book movie ever and the greatest misuse of the words “Jennifer Garner: Undead Ninja” ever.
You should watch it this week cause: someone’s gotta supervise those kiddies, might as well be Walt Disney.
Movie 8: The Bourne Legacy
One of the movies on this list that I sorta want to see but don’t really want to see that much, The Bourne Legacy pits Jeremy Renner against Edward Norton in a spy series that continues the legacy left behind by Matt Damon and whoever he happened to be punching that day. The movie kinda got mixed reviews, but if you’re up for a moderately intelligent film starring a guy who my wife may or may not have a crush on this movie is for you…. And/or her.
You should watch it cause: you like the first three movies… or you like the sea blue eyes and mesmerizing blond locks of Jeremy Renner. One of the two.
Movie 7: The Words
A movie about a writer who can’t write, who steals from a writer who can write, and then pretends that he wrote it. The Words is probably a lot less confusing then that sentence was. Did you know Bradley Cooper was elected world’s sexiest man last year?? Where did they go to do those poles? St. Mary’s School of the Blind? St. Martha’s School for People Who Love Bradley Cooper? I mean really? What happened to Jeremy Renner? Or the fact that Ryan Gosling has a combover and is STILL attractive? Come on ladies. Pull your weight… and not in like a fat joke way… just ya know… pull it. What was I talking about?
You should watch it cause: you think Bradley Cooper is sexy… apparently.
Movie 6: The Expendables 2
The Expendables 2 is the ultimate in “Let’s go watch stuff get blowed up” cinema. Nuff said.
You should watch it cause: stuff: it gets blowed up.
Movie 5: Paranorman
Check out my full review of this here but really Paranorman is in a very different vein of children’s movie then Timothy Green. If Timothy Green is the shiny gold medal for winning the spelling bee, then Paranorman is the 3 dollars you won for being able to spit further then Tilly Bipkins. Both good things, just achieved in very different ways.
You should watch it cause: your kids already watched Timothy Green and you want to watch a movie you both can enjoy!!… or your name is Tilly Bipkins.
Movie 4: Lawless
A movie about prohibition era moonshiners, Lawless stars Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman, and Shia Labeuf who has finally emerged from hiding now that everyone has hopefully forgotten he was in Transformers 2 and 3. Really this looks like a fairly interesting movie, and Hardy and Oldman are a ton of fun to watch. Some reviews have said that it was little too ambitious and that the plot doesn’t always hit home but on the whole it seems to be a fairly decent movie with some decent peeps.
You should watch it cause: You like good movies… or cause you’re Shia Labeufs mom and you want to forgive him for Transformers. Or cause your hoping at some point Tom Hardy will say “When I have made all the moonshine… you have my permission to die.”
Movie 3: The Possession
“All right guys… so I’ve got this movie idea for a movie… and it’s about a little girl, and her parents fight all the time, and she gets possessed by a demon! And is demonic! And scary! And stuff happens!!”
“Bob that movies been made. Like a lot. A lot of movies like that have been made. And they were all sort of terrible.”
“Yeah but this time, the demon is Jewish!!”
“That’s new right? Jewish demons?”
“I guess so… but really what difference does that…”
“No, hah! You said it was different and that’s it. I’m taking 5 million dollars and making this movie right now!”
“Bob no one will watch it. Everyone will know that they have seen this movie before.”
“No they won’t. They won’t know. They’ll watch it anyway! Cause if there’s anything we’ve learned about the average American it’s that they’ll pay to watch anything that looks even moderately like something that might one day sort of resemble a somewhat halfway decent movie.”
And there you go America. Congratulations.
You should watch it cause: … umm… you like… Jewish demons?
Movie Number 2: Finding Nemo 3D:
You know this movie’s plot. You’ve probably seen this movie a lot of times, but now someone has made it go all wibbly so that if you wear funny glasses it looks like the fish and all the fish pee in the ocean is coming out at you. Yay.
You should watch it cause: you have kids who have never seen it before and you hate DVD’s and saving money.
Movie Number 1: Resident Evil: Retribution
Confession: I have watched all of the movies in this series. For a little while me and my roommate of the time went on a sci-fi/horror spree and watched all of the Aliens movies, all of the Predator movies, and all of the Resident Evil movies in like… a week. We slept very little. Anyway all that to say, they aren’t the worst movies ever… but neither are they the best… or good. They’re just sort of okay. Stuff happens, things get blown up, Milla Jovavich continues to be a really cool name, and all the while there are zombies. And zombie dogs. And Giant zombie zombies. If you liked the other movies in this series you will probably like this one. If you didn’t like them or never bothered to watch them now is probably not the time to start.
You should watch it cause: you liked the other movies and aren’t feeling awake enough to watch Lawless.