Princessology Part 4

Posted: September 11, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

And we’re into the home stretch everyone. Hold on. Batton down. Be Kind. Rewind. All that jazz, cause we’re off with another episode of…

Princessology: Part 4… the top 3!

Mulan:

I don’t think see through swords caught on quite like the makers of this movie hoped they would…

Mulan was a Chinese girl with a hilarious dragon and WAY too much white face paint! Then she cut her hair, put on some armor, and went out for Survivor: China. On the way she must confront things like: smiley breakfast, inability to effectively spit, and lots of awkward male nudity.

Intelligence-O-meter:

“No… I still think it’s too big to be a donut…”

So you feel like you’ve dishonored your family, and you’re concerned about your father not being able to walk across a battlefield without tripping over his own gimpy leg like some sort of heinously confused millipede? The obvious answer to all of this is: steal his armor, cut your hair, and join the military right? Well actually, yes… kind of. I mean I’m not saying that it was the only option but when you compare Mulan’s “I will do this to save my family” and Snow White’s “I will do this because… oh look a flower” Mulan kind of wins every time right?

The one blight on Mulan is that it was inadvertently responsible for one of the worst movies ever Transformers: Dark of the Moon… oh Michael Bay… why did you do it?

Be a man!! You must be swift as a giant robot!!! With all the strength of a… yeah… I’ll stop now.

Helplessness:

Really good job here Muly. Not only is she generally not helpless at all but she also wins a battle against the huns, beats a guy who is legally classified as a bear in 48 states and climbs a poll to get an arrow… though admittedly that last one doesn’t sound super impressive on paper.

Seriously… I would build a great wall too.

Sure she gets beat up at the beginning of the movie, but you know who else gets beat up?? Luke Skywalker and he goes on to become a really whiny, annoying guy who save the galaxy by complaining to his Father… I probably could  have chosen a better example there huh? Oh well.

The point is, Mulan is barely helpless at all, and by barely being helpless she’s not helpless at all. So put that on your fortune cookie and snap it!

Disney’s answer to Two-face Harvey Dent.

Other versions:

I don’t really think they’ve made any. Except for the hilariously unnecessary “Mulan 2: Because We’re Bored” which is like taking a wonderful ice cream cake and gluing a chinchilla to it.

Overall Princess Rating:

35 out of 40 million.

Well done Mulan. Well done. You saved China, reminded us all that Eddie Murphy could actually be funny, and gave us a great opportunity to misunderstand Chinese culture even more. Thank you, and good night.

Repunzal:

Tangled: Cause it was seriously the only story we hadn’t told already…

A girl whose name I have no idea how to spell, lives in a tower and has really long hair; that apparently heals people, and glows, and feeds tiny orphans large slices of chinchilla ice cream cake. Anyway, one day a dashing young man-typed person breaks into her tower and whisks Rapunzal away on a magical adventure to go watch an entire kingdom recklessly break fire code… I mean launch fire lanterns.

Intelligence-O-meter:

So Rapunzel is kind of a… hey word didn’t say I misspelled her name that time! Man. I am learning so much. Anyway, Rephanzelx isn’t exactly a brilliant, Guitar-Chemist or anything but she is a very well written character with a distinct view on the world. Which is to say, that while she’s not intelligent in a E=MC Hammer, sort of way she is intelligent in a “I am a character with thoughts and opinions and logical desires” sort of way. Which is much better than being Cinderella and repeatedly sabotaging the people trying to help you.

I feel like this picture goes against everything I just typed…

Helplessness:

No, Rapunzel doesn’t save China with a sword, and a fan, and a case of Chopsticks, but she does beat up a dude with a frying pan and heal people with her follicles so… yeah. That’s impressive. And yes, Flynn has to save her in the end, and no it doesn’t make any sense at all that he didn’t wait like two more seconds until AFTER she had healed him to cut off her hair but you know what? Rapunzel was still a well written character who could look out for herself. So there.

So… you realize those are all going to land somewhere right??

Other versions:

None yet unless you want to count the original version  which is like comparing Hickory Dickory Dock to Tolstoy’s War and Peace so let’s just not do that at all shall we?

Overall Princess rating:

34 million out of 40 million.

I’m slotting you just a hair (ba ha) under Mulan, Rapunzel because let’s face it, she destroyed an entire army using a cannon, a dragon, and the ludicrous ability to predict the trajectory of an avalanche. So while you’re pretty awesome, she’s just a tiny bit more awesome! Well done for the both of you.

Well… I suppose it’s better then a shell bra…

But now my friends it is time to crown the winner of this Princess off. A time to pay tribute to a woman who needs no introduction. I am of course talking about…

Yzma.

YAY!!!

Not a princess you say, hmmm? Well neither is Mulan really. Or, Cinderella (until the end), or Belle (until the end) and Izma spends time as an Empress so really that’s a step up. So yes. Yzma. It’s my blog.

Yzma spent many years in faithful, horribly corrupt service, to the hilariously overbearing Emperor Kuzko. After getting fired, Yzma (with the help of her faithful henchman Kronk) turn Kuzko into a Llama and rules the Kingdom forever!! Or for like… three days. Whichever comes first.

Intelligence-O-meter:

Yzma had a secret lab with formulas that changed people into (among other things) a llama, a cow, a whale, and a turtle. How do you get more intelligent than that? Win!!

SCIENCE!!

Helplessness:

None. At all. Ya know what Cinderella would have done if she had gotten fired? Sit around and wait for her fairy godmother to show up that’s what. Yzma overthrew a kingdom, tracked down a potential threat to her own rule, AND transformed herself into an adorable kitten. I mean come on! And AND at the end of the movie after (justly) falling from her throne, and being transformed into said cat ya know what Yzma does? Starts broadening her horizons, learning new languages, trying new foods. I mean come on ladies!! Aside from the moderate homicidal tendencies who else are you looking to as a role model here?? Come on.

Trust me…. there’s a wall there.

Other Versions:

None. I refuse to acknowledge the existence of Kronk’s New Groove.

Overall Princess Rating:

100 million out of 40 million.

And there you have it. Your winner. After weeks of research, months of careful not-planning and now an entire night of writing I give you Yzma. A woman who thought outside the box, marched to the beat of her own maniacal voices, and reached her goals. Sure she won’t win any beauty contests but isn’t that what this whole thing is all about? It’s not about what’s outside, it’s about what’s inside!!

She wins!!

And now I’m hungry.

Anyway thanks for reading everyone. My wife suggested (cause she’s brilliant) that I do a comparison of all the Disney Princes so I’ll probably do that at some point in the not too distant future. But anyway, thanks for reading and I’ll see you Thursday!!

P.S. Here are three notable exceptions from this list and why I didn’t put them in this article.

Merida from Brave: I’m assuming most of my audience hasn’t made the time to see this yet. You should, Audience. Good film.

Pocahontas from Pocahontas: Gross historical inaccuracy ruined this movie for me. Sorry, I don’t paint with colors on the wind and Pocahontas was a 12 year old.

Jasmine from Aladdin  I never liked Jasmine. She’s sort of spoiled and annoying and the one thing she does in this movie that’s even sort of beneficial is when she tries to seduce Jafar by talking about his twisty beard and really who wants to think about that? Certainly not me. And yet here I am doing it anyway… I quit.

 

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