Princessology Part 3

Posted: September 10, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

Woo wow what a couple last posts it have been huh? We’ve had controversy, disagreement, women screaming as they stabbed themselves with pointy household objects. I mean my good gravy people. My. Good. Gravy. (Micah’s Good Gravy now available at Stores Nowhere.) So anyway without further ado here is the third part of my Disney Princess Rock Awesome Categorization for Bored People!! Or (as it is more commonly known) Princessology.

Ariel:

The little mermaid… cause every family has a crazy daughter her just wears a shell bra… every. family.

Under the sea!!! Under the sea! Down here it’s better… Uh-huh… sorry. You all have that stuck in your head now don’t you? Man. I’m sorry. (tee-hee) Ariel is the story of a Little Mermaid who risks the life of everything in the ocean out of love for some guy who she had never ever, ever never met before. Also there’s a lobster and some mermen, mermaids, and mer-really-old-guy(s).

Intelligence 0-meter:

How do you not know what a foot is? Lobsters have feet. Crabs have feet. Lots of things in the ocean have feet. Learn what feet are, Ariel. Aside from that you’ve got the whole “made a deal with a ruthlessly evil half-octupus person” What was she exactly? A Mer…octups? A octowoman? Octomom? I have no idea. Anyway when someone employs massive electric eels with razor sharp teeth and sings a song called “Poor Unfortunate Souls” which might be the single most evil thing ever in the world; you probably shouldn’t really be making bargains with her. Sure your dad is a little too strict. But really why on earth is your only solution to that changing your species and racing off after some guy with a combover who you have very obviously never ever met.

Totally the face of someone you would trust right? I mean we all know how reliable Octopus are right??

Also I feel like if you could play Pictionary or Guesstures or something like that the whole story could have ended a lot better.

Helplessness:

What exactly does Ariel do in this movie? Anything? Aside from sitting in a boat and not kissing someone what does she accomplish exactly? Her father has to sacrifice himself to save her, Roland or Derrick or whatever that weird combover guy was named has to steer his boat into Octomom, but… I can’t actually remember Ariel doing anything pro-actively in this movie. She just sort of wanders through life, waiting for men to fall in love with her red red hair.

This is what Ariel does for this entire movie!

Other Versions:

Ummm… no idea. There was a sequel to this movie where Ursula’s sister, ba-hahaha. Oh… I’m sorry. I can’t take that seriously.

Overall Princess rating:

25 out of 40 million.

Ariel, why do you hate everyone in your life? Did you really think a deal with Octomom wouldn’t wind up with your dad changed into a weird evil gummy worm-typed thing? Cause if you did, you’re kind of an idiot. (Also evil gummy worms? Best idea ever.)

Belle:

So… what are your thoughts on lice?

Belle, a girl from a little town, and a quite village, where every day is like the one before… eh-hem. Belle is generally viewed as a fairly legit person who falls in love with a massive hairy thing with whom she could never go to Zaxbys. And thus begins a tale as old as time…

Seriously though, Belle’s dad is kidnapped by a beast who everyone calls “The Beast” because they were bored and stupid and “Zathura the Destroyer” was way too hard to fit into a song. Anyway, Belle trades herself so her father can go free and catch pneumonia, and then she gradually falls in love with “the Beast” at the behest of his talking magical furniture.

Intelligence O-meter:

Belle is actually a fairly intelligent person. She reads, she makes a noble gesture in sacrificing her life for her father’s mustache…. I mean life, and then she develops something called Stockholm syndrome. Basically she falls in love with the guy who kidnapped her. In her case it was okay though because the guy who kidnapped her turned out to be a different guy, inside of the first guy, and the first guy was only the way he was because he wanted to be the second guy, who had hair like a baby angel… So there.

“Also Belle… my hair is better than yours…”

Also she deliberately disobeys the commands of a massive killer monster beast because she was “mildly curious.”

Helplessness:

Once again I give you her relative intelligence and ability to sacrifice herself for her father. Beyond that I don’t remember a ton…

She mostly sat out the last big confrontation between the Jock and the loner poet guy with depression issues but at least she showed up to give the guy something to fight for. Plus she nurses the beasts wounds after he’s attacked by wolves. Though granted he was only there because Belle wondered off into the woods on her own after becoming mildly upset about something the Beast said about her hair… or something.

And sure she didn’t punch Gaston in the face but she did do… okay so she didn’t do anything but neither did she really NOT do anything per se. She was just sort of… around. And being around is a lot more than we can say for pretty much everyone else on this entire list. So there you go. Take what you can get. Leave me alone.

Other versions:

There have been a ton of other versions of this movie, the most recent (I think) being a movie called Beastly. This movie starred Vanessa Hudgens and Alex Pettyfer and was (both because of and in spite, of its leading cast) a horrible terrible pile of unwashed socks. So there’s that. There were also a lot of semi-spin off sort of films the only one of which I saw was Beauty and the Beast and the Magical Christmas Party… or something. And it was actually fairly good, though it featured an INCREDIBLY annoying song, which I now will have stuck in my head all day. I hate this post.

Sometimes I’m amazed at how good looking I am.

Overall Princess Rating:

20 million out of 40 million.

Congratulations Belle, you have the highest score so far and are definitely in the top two or three of Disney Princessary. You read a lot Belle, and I like that. Sure you developed Stockholm syndrome and fell in love with a Bear. But we all have weak points and at least you (unlike many of your counterparts) have a brain to go with them! So grats on that.

All right folks we are near the end!! Check back tomorrow as I reveal the last two Princesses and the most Princessly Princess of them all!!

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