Princessology Part 2

Posted: September 7, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

Well here we are for day two of what is definitely not the most manly thing I have ever done: Princessology! But due to the overwhelming response from you internet types yesterday here we are to once more raise our tiaras high into the high and randomly judge them based on completely made up criteria. Woot!!!

Due to some mad rehearsing I’m doing for a play I’m in my nights have been rather filled with me saying about a ba-million things a minute. As such here are two more princesses for your consideration with the finally of such things hopefully coming on Monday next. Regardless of all that: here you are.

Princess Aurora… Borealis:

Sleeping Beauty: Cause Sleeping Ugly would be far less compelling.

Princess Aurora was threatened when she was but a teeny baby typed person by a witch her apparently just did this because she didn’t get invited to the birth party. Which really seems like a fairly heinous oversight on the part of the parents. I mean there’s “Honey did you remember to invite Uncle Bertrude?” and then there’s “Honey did you remember to invite the evil witch person who could potentially ruin our lives and murder our daughter forever and ever amen?” Anyway, her parents decided to make her live in a cottage with the three bears… I mean fairies. She eventually becomes hot (because apparently all princesses are) and then gets stabbed by a household object (more on that later.)

I invite Maleficent to all of my parties… just in case… and actually she’s a lot of fun when she’s not randomly poking people with her hat.

Intelligence O-meter:

Not doing too great here but not nearly as bad as Snow White. Sure she grows up in the woods with three magical parents and apparently thinks that’s totally okay. And sure she sings with animals and dances with an owl wearing a sweater who then is switched out for an actual person WITHOUT HER NOTICING but still she seems to have at least the faintest sparks of heat coming from the old brain pan.I mean she at least does… there’s that one time where… okay so really she never does anything that at all demonstrates intelligence BUT the fact remains that she doesn’t demonstrate ridiculous amounts of stupidity, which is a big step in the right direction.

Helplessness:

Okay this is where things start to go downhill for Aurora. Cause here’s the thing: before the three good fairs… I mean fairies, leave her for reasons I can’t remember they tell her very clearly “Don’t touch anything” and of course the very first thing Aurora DOES is go over and touch a spindle. And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous chauvinism that is demonstrated by the fact that as soon as Aurora is left alone she literally can’t resist the opportunity to get some sowing done. I mean really, Disney? You couldn’t have had it be a briefcase? Or an ipad or something? Nope. It had to be a spindle, were just lucky it wasn’t a knife or something as she delicately went to make Prince Phillip a sandwich. Sheeshk.

Then you have the whole fact that while Phillip is off slaying dragons, and riding his horse through magical rainbows or whatever else happens at the end of this movie Aurora is soundly asleep in her bed exhausted from a long hard day of walking across the floor to stab herself with a wheely spindle… thing.

“I know you’ve got a Dragon to fight and stuff Phillip but… I just feel the need for a quick forty winks after all that “walking across the floor” I did today.”

Other Versions:

I’ve actually never seen this done by someone else. I think Disney is currently making a movie called Maleficent (the witch) starring Angelina Jolie that I actually think is sort of an awesome idea but seeing as that hasn’t come out yet and I’m definitely not researching any of these versions further I’m just gonna stick some ellipses at the end of this sentence and move on…

Overall Princess Rating: 100 out of 40 Million.

Points for not being a complete moron (I’m looking at you Snow White) but you lost a lot of points by not being able to follow simple instructions and by being a prime example of why men undervalue woman. Sheeshk… the things I do for this column.

And next we have:

Cinderella:

A movie all about the power of Dance!!

Cinderella is our second not really a princess (yes she gets married to a Prince but that’s at the END of the movie.) She spends most of the movie singing at soap bubbles and talking to mice while her step mother spoils her step sisters and a cat is possessed by the souls of a thousand demons (more on that here.)

Intelligence O-meter:

Not so great here Cindy. First off your time management skills are SEVERELY lacking. I mean when someone says “hey you should really be home by midnight or you’ll turn back into a street urchin.” Maybe work yourself some freetime in your planner. Maybe leave a little early and stop at starbucks for a latte’ or something. Otherwise you’ll end up sitting on the side of the road with a smushed pumpkin and no way to get home.

Just a tip for you guys out there: normally this sort of shoe put onery is frowned on.

Secondly: when you’re dancing with a guy and you hit it off pretty well and he’s, ya know, royalty and things. It might behoove you to give said royalty your digits. Or your name. Or really any piece of information. I mean I get that they didn’t have cellphones back then but it seems like leaving behind a glass slipper is a really poor way to have him contact you.

Helplessness:

Let’s just put it this way. Cinderella had the help of magical talking mice who (among other things) did her chores, made her dress, and softly crooned Kumbaya as she went to sleep and she STILL wouldn’t have made it to the ball if not for the appearance of her fairy godmother’s magical pumpkinmobile. And even THEN you managed to lose track of time as you stared into Prince Dublets beautiful sea brown eyes. I shudder to think what would have happened if you’d have had socks on when he came to try the slipper on you. You probably would have had to enlist the help of the entire cast of Lord of the Dance just to figure out that particular conundrum.

“Thank goodness you’re here!! I’ve been crying all day and no one will help me and I’m all alone and… oh hello mice friends… this is… awkward.”

Other versions:

A lot of them. Some starring Drew Barrymore that everyone seems to love for some reason. Some involving burning houses and others still involving magical fish skeletons, and no I am making none of those up. Anyway, there has been a lot of Cinderella adaptations and the beauty of each is in the eye of the bee hole. Whatever that is.

And then this happened… for some reason.

Overall Princess rating: 20 out of 400 million.

Yeah, sorry Cindy. Can’t really give you a whole lot of leeway here. I mean you had a magical pumpkin coach and an army of mice and you STILL couldn’t deal the seal until he actually flopped his way into your house and cast himself at your one shoed feet.

And there you have day 2!! Check back Monday and, hey, if you have a Princess you’d like for me to talk about post in the comments!! I’m always interested to hear what all y’all web typed peeps are thinking!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s