Princessology

Posted: September 6, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

Okay so the last few posts I’ve done have been all young and collegy and filled with all sorts of flights and fancys and… figs. And stuff. But not today, no today we are taking a step forward, a great bound into maturity, modernity, and senselessly ruining children’s movies!!! Yay!! I’m talking off course about:

Princess Off 2012: Probably the Least Important Thing I Will Ever Do!!

“Hi! I love you, let’s spend the rest of our lives together!!! Also… what’s your name?”

Here in no particular order are our contestants:

Snow White:

The classic classicyness of all Disney Princesses Snow White really got this whole Princess thing started despite not technically being a Princess… she was a step-princess which is like being a “step-millionare” which is to say “pretty much worthless in every way.”

Intelligence-O-meter:

I’ve talked about this at length before (and in video format) but let’s all remind ourselves that a big horrifying huntsman asked her to come picking flowers with him as he held on to a box that said “Place heart here” on it. And she went with him. Willingly. So… yeah… not exactly the sharpest cheddar on the cheese.

Helplessness:

Well let’s put it this way: Snow White was “killed” by an apple. Given to her by someone who was potentially the ugliest person ever birthed, girthed, or Firthed. After being explicitly told “Don’t let anyone in the houses” Snow White not only let’s someone in the house but also eats their food.

You seem like a safe sort of person…

It’s left up to the dwarves to chase after the Witch (though they don’t actually catch her and she ends up accidentally killing herself because obviously that’s what evil people do.) and it’s left up to the Prince (who Snow White met ONCE might I add) to come along and kiss her on the face while everyone thought she was dead.

Yup, apparently back in the day it was totally acceptable to meet people once and then kiss them directly after words when they were DEAD.

Other Versions:

We’re in a bit of a Snow White revival at the moment. I haven’t seen Mirror Mirror yet but that’s only because the trailer for it was so bad that it lowered my IQ and Snow White and the Hunstman wasn’t a terrible movie but Snow White didn’t exactly do a whole lot to raise her standing with this committee… by which I mean me.

Over all princess rating: 10 out of 400 million. (I got tired of a ten point number system).

And alas that this ends today’s broadcast… check back tomorrow for some more princesses, some more numbers, and some more unbridled idiocy!

 

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Comments
  1. Brenda says:

    Argh–SW is my least favorite of all Disney princesses. : P “Someday my prince will come”–give me a break!! She does NOT serve as a good role model. Not at all.

  2. Cassie says:

    Huh? What makes Snow White a step-princess? She was the King’s daughter?
    Also, you forgot the mention the voice — the horrifying, squeaky, far-too-high-above-normal, haunting my dreams VOICE! (am I twitching?)
    Also, her wardrobe is hideous. I mean, really. Puffy sleeves? Tiny cape? YELLOW SKIRT WITH LACE PEEPING OUT?????
    I rest my case.
    I give her one out of forty billion — or whatever the scale is — I forgot. 🙂

  3. Micah says:

    Couldn’t agree more Brenda! And Cassie I suppose you are right… she was a legit princess. I would take that out but that would be like… three extra clicks so… probably not gonna happen. I agree with the voice bit as well as the scene with her singing to herself down a well might be the worst thing ever filmed… or drawn… or whatever…

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