College Tips 2: Classification

Posted: September 3, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity

Hey everybody, so thanks for the great response to my first College Tips blog! Tens of five peoples emailed me praising me for my pithy wisdom and my intimate knowledge of pickle buckets. Meanwhile several freshmen completely ignored my advice and probably did something really stupid that I will laugh at them for later. But really, why wait till later!!

Ba ha ha ha ha.

Okay well now that that’s done what say we do another “semi sort of but not at all actually helpful” college typed blog!?! This time though, I’m spreading out the wings of my own angel winged mercy dragon of death… face… thing… yeah, kinda got confused in that mental image. Sort of like the guy who came up with the Chimera. Am I the only one who thinks he just sort of got confused somewhere in that sentence?

“What did the monster look like daddy?”

“Well Brunhilda… I mean, Greekhilda… I guess. It was a lion… with the head of a goat… but also the head of a lion and then the body of a goat in the back, but the paws of a lion in the front and then… maybe… a snake… that came from… its butt.”

Ummm…. what?

“Daddy, are you on drugs?”

“Yes child… I probably am.”

And thus hundreds of years of History students were wasted. Anyway though…. All that to say that I’m gonna talk about college now… College classes to be precise. Starting with none other than…. Freshman.

Freshmen:

Freshmen are like Hyenas.

History of Civ???

On the African safari (in Africa) (by which I mean: the Lion King) freshmen are like Hyenas. They’re mostly just sort of… there. And no one really knows what to do with them. But they’re kind of loud and noisy and obnoxious and mostly you just sort of wish they would go away until they become sophomores or until someone explains to them the difference between “humor” and “yelling something loudly.” It’s not really the Freshman’s fault per se… but they just came from High School where they were very briefly “seniors.” And in high school sticking a piece of corn up your nose and whistling the theme to Gunsmoke was hysterical! In college it’s just embarrassing to everyone you have ever talked to.

My advice: Stay calm. It’s not that you’re bad people Freshmen. It’s just that you’re really not people at all yet. Just hang on, you’ll get there. For now just try and focus on keeping yourself relatively in one piece and not losing any of the small amount of dignity the upper classmen will let you have. If you’re a Freshman (and/or woman) and you’re offended by anything I just wrote: great!! It means you might be an exception to the rule! If you’re a freshman and you stopped reading this to google “Chimera” or text Bob about how many cookies you’ve got hidden in your sock drawer… never mind.

Just hang in there Freshmen, everything will be okay. Because next year you get to be…

Sophomores:

Sophomores are like Giraffes.

How Giraffe’s role. Also is it just me or does that cloud behind him look suspiciously like a lion?

Because like Giraffes sophomores are sort of stuck at that weird spotty stage between awkward and awesome. And they have long necks! But not at all. Except for some of them. Who might. Tee-hee…

Anyway Sophomores are mostly kind of sweet and generally much much better people then Freshmen because Sophomores spent that magical summer between their Freshman and Sophomore years being treated like adults. And if anything makes one became an adult quickly, it is actually being treated like an adult. Much like the quickest way to become a zombie is to have someone shoot you in the face. Man… I should make e-cards.

Juniors:

Juniors are like Lionesses.

Lionesses: Cause it sounded better then “Huge yellow cat”

For those of you who don’t know Lionesses essentially run the lion pack… or herd…. Or whatever it is that lions are a part of. Something about humility right? Anyway (aside from being humble) Lionesses are in charge of all the working parts of the little lion plantation. They hunt, raise the children, and pay the taxes. Whereas as the male lion is mostly a lazy butt (more on that later)… (the lion part… not the butt part…) Anyway, Juniors secretly run some college campuses and un-secretly run all the rest of them. Juniors are elected to student body, get the best grades, have the best haircuts, and are generally just suave, sweet people. If you’re a Junior enjoy your bad self, because this is the year of college in which you will probably be getting the most done, knowing the most people, and generally being that buzzing socialite that Great Aunt Greekhilda always said you would be!!

Seniors:

Seniors are like Lions. Man-lions… though not like half-man half lion… cause I’m pretty sure Greek Mythology already did that. Because apparently that was all the rage back then. Greeks… Ummm, what am I talking about? Oh yeah… hang on I’m just gonna start again here.

Seniors are like Man-lions… I still didn’t get that right did I? Oh well.

Seniors are like male lions because they could run the colleges but (frankly) do not want to. As a senior you are generally revered and held in the highest regard simply for being what you already can’t help being in the first place. You don’t have to work for your social status, you already have it.

“Well sure I COULD go to that party…. but why bother?”

Every third person comes up and asks for your advice on things, or asks if they can pay you forty dollars for a book that you bought for two dollars for a class that you never actually did the reading for. As a senior you have the full right and power to step in and do whatever you want but much like a male lion you just can’t be bothered to actually do it! Congratulations Seniors, we salute you.

Grad Students:

Grad students are like birds.

Grad students are like birds cause they have only the very slightest most tenuous grasp on what is actually going on in the world of the University. The students (for the most part) sort of know they exist but no student could ever concretely tell you what they do, or how they do it, and odds are they probably think most of them are teachers who they’ve never had, who teach really bizarre topics that they’ve never taken. Like Rutabaga Strangling or West Pond Virus contracting.

The point not being that Grad students are better than everyone, it’s just to say that they mostly don’t really care and that generally no one makes them care. So they just sort of float above the clouds and occasionally chuckle to themselves about the poor ground based creatures below them.

And there you have it friends! More classes then you could possibly shake a class at… whatever that means.

P.S. Check out my good friends at OtherVisions.net! In addition to writing a sparkling promo for this very blog I also may or may not be teaming up with them soon on a project to be named later!!

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