College Tips

Posted: August 30, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , ,

Oh Freshman, this week you have come wondering onto college campuses all across America. Your hearts swollen with hopes, your stomachs swollen with Taco Bell, and your Mom probably crying about her baby going off into that big unprotected world of academia. And so I, being the aged wise man that I am, have decided to impart unto you my wisdom, my knowledge, and my scathing sarcasm to help you survive the next few years. If you know a Freshman, are a Freshman, or hope to be a Freshman someday; these are for you.

Five tips for surviving college.

 1. You will hate your roommates.

This is not to say that you will hate ALL of your roommates, or even that you will hate your roommates MOST of the time. But what colleges are basically doing is taking four (or three or whatever) people and cramming them all into a tiny living space because they can and it’s slightly hilarious. If you’re a guy you actually stand a better chance at peacefully co-existing with your roommates, if you’re a girl you will probably at one point or another desperately want to stab them in the spleen with your mascara brush. The reason for this is that guys are FAR less concerned with things like: cleanliness, personal space, fashion, social acceptance, and world hunger. Here are two easy examples.

Oh the horrors that will occur here…

If you’re a guy odds are you are more than content to live in a governmentally sanctioned Grade 4 disaster area so long as no one touches your Ipad 2. If you’re a girl you probably feel pressured to be clean because you don’t want everyone to hate you and tell your future perspective husband that you’re a messy slob who leaves your signed Justin Bieber poster lying on the floor next to your Taylor Swift long stockings. Not realizing that your future perspective husband will A: Not care. And B: probably not be paying attention.

If you’re a guy you are just fine with the idea of never actually speaking to your roommates. You don’t feel like you have to be their friends, know anything about them, or remember their name. All you have to do is give him a brotherly sort of nod when you enter the room and then go play Angry Birds. If you’re a girl you feel like you have to be on intimate speaking terms with your roommates. You’ll feel like you should be sharing things about your personal lives and transcendent goals and which member of One Direction you find to be the most attractive. And the wonderful thing about people is that the more you get to know them, the more likely you are to loathe them entirely. Man… I should put that on an e-card or something.

All that to say that while hating your roommates is probably going to happen, it will probably lead to you having some great stories to tell down the road. For instance: A friend of mine (who will remain nameless) once had a roommate who had an extremely intimate relationship with a 5 gallon barrel of pickles. And no I am not making that up. Pickles. Barrel. And not like a healthy relationship where the two of them discussed their feelings openly and really felt like they understood each other on a spiritual/having the same favorite donut level. No this was an abusive relationship. And the pickles were doing the abusing. Cruising for abusing.

I only wish I was making this up.

Between classes this guy would come scurrying back to the room just to pop the top off of his FIVE GALLON BUCKET OF PICKLES. Submerge his grimy, dirty hand in the green pickle filled water and grab a “power snack” between classes. Now see at the time my friend hated that roommate, but now he has a great story about a guy who probably is currently living somewhere in Oregon with a barrel of pickles and a banjo. So take heart Freshmen, even if you have the worst roommates ever, you will still be able to tell hilarious stories about them on the internet, for years to come.

2. Calm down.

Okay this is very important Freshmen so listen carefully. Every moderately attractive member of the opposite gender is NOT your soul mate. Calm. Down. I know Bobby Kafrenricks or Suzy Studdlefluffer are just gorgeous and hilarious and wonderful, but ya know what??? They probably hate you. I mean, you probably hate them. I mean, the two of you will probably not get married… that’s less offensive right? Anyway my point is: don’t go running off like Bella Swan because you’re sure you’ve discovered your own personal Edward Cullen sitting across from you in speech class. Because if that guy really is a vampire, he will probably eat your face. And if you really are Bella Swan you are probably also Kristen Stewart and who wants to be Kristen Stewart?? Nobody. Not even Kristen Stewart.


I get the flower and the apple but why the Chess piece? Isn’t Chess for smart people?

3. Don’t become “the guy”

This also applies to “the girl” but I was way too lazy to type both of those things in bold font. Here’s the thing: it’s really nice when someone walks up to you and goes “Hey nice hat” or “sweet coat” or… whatever the girl version of that is… “nice boots?” I guess… Anyway it’s really nice when that happens and it’s good to have that one awesome item that you can break out on days that you’re feeling particularly in need of a style boost (Generally Thursdays). Here’s what you don’t want: “Oh there goes that guy with the hat.” Or “Have you met my friend Bobby Bobert?” “I don’t think so. Oh wait you’re the guy with the coat aren’t you?” or even worse yet. “Whose taking you to Artist Series Phylis Schlafly?” “Oh Peter Poppins” “The guy with the hat?” “Yup.”

See that’s what you don’t want. (Consequently as of now I’m officially writing a book entitled “Peter Poppins and the Magical Duck Bust”) You want to be stylish, absolutely but you don’t want to become “the guy” and/or “the girl” and/or “the Thing” because nobody likes the Fantastic Four… I mean old 80’s horror movies… I mean… hats.

I feel like I got lost somewhere in my own illustration…

 4. Beware the food.

Most college food hovers right around the “not bad” plateau. Hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken, these are all things that most colleges do pretty well with. What you want to watch out for are “Casseroles”, and anything with unidentifiable ingredients. Cause odds are that the thing you can’t figure out, is the thing that will later punch you in your intestines on its tour through your body. Things like: leftovers from yesterday, leftovers from yester-week, and leftovers of that careless kitchen worker. These are the things that are in casseroles. Be Ye Warned.

Eating college casserole is like playing Russian roulette with a shotgun loaded with indigestion.

 5. Don’t Be A Moron

I feel like this is fairly self-explanatory really. As a freshmen you’re tendency to do moronic things will rarely be higher than it is right now. Here’s a quick rundown of some clues that you are about to do something completely idiotic.

Anything proceeded by “Check this out,” “You’re sure it’s okay?” “I love you dear Bonnie” or “I’m pretty sure they don’t eat humans.” Are probably things you should be thinking twice about… a couple times.

Things you SHOULD try and say are “Hey, what’s in this?” “How far down is that?” “Have you tried this before” and “You’re sure the capital of New York is New York City?”

A good guiding principal is to try and get someone else to do something first. That way if they do die you’re still enjoying “not death” but if they succeed you’ve got the chance of going second and doing what they just did while holding a live Panda or some other more awesome variant.

There’s a tip for you guys: Everything is cooler with a Panda.

And there you have it Freshman. Tips for surviving, thriving, and not accidentally ingesting the flesh of one of your fellow students.

You’re welcome.



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