Hey everybody, well here we are again, after another weekend and at the end of another Summer and just in time for the Official and totally not made up movie awards ceremony: “Totally Not Planned Out and Utterly Inconsequential Awards of the Summer Awards!… 2”!!! Just like Oscars, but nobody cares. Oh wait… nobody cares about those either? Well then… by all means.

Best Two Words of the Summer:

Puny god. (not blasphemy toward the God)

Also the only two words he speaks. Man that’s a win.

If you’ve seen the Avengers you know exactly what this is. If you haven’t seen the Avengers yet… see it. Literally the first time I watched this movie the crowd was laughing so loud at the part prior to this that I missed this line entirely. And yes I did see it twice. And yes my wife did come with me both times. Cause she’s awesome.

Best Tom Cruise of the Summer:

Ba ha ha. I’m kidding. Nobody wins with Tom Cruise. Nobody.

NObody.

Best Kids Movie:

Ice Age 4: No Seriously… It’s Ice Age 4

Okay the main competition for this was between Brave, Paranorman and Ice Age 4. I liked Brave a lot, and I thought ParaNorman was really good but in the end I’m giving it to Ice Age 4 because I was honestly very surprised by it. I know Pixar movies are going to be good, they’re Pixar movies. Pixar makes movies like I put up random pictures of muskrats.

See?

Ice Age 4 was a really solid movie that I didn’t think was necessarily going to be bad but that I wasn’t exactly flipping out about either. In the end it was just fun. Like a random picture of a muskrat.

In retrospect… they don’t actually look that fun do they?

Best Performance By a Woman Everyone Seemed to Hate for No Reason: 

Anne Hathaway

I’m not even an Anne Hathaway fan and I honestly hoped she would do well in this movie just because everyone on the internet pitched a hissy fit and screamed for their teddy bear as soon as the casting choice was announced. And speaking of bears…

Most Adorable Bears:

Brave.

Very little competition here.

Sequel I Most Didn’t Watch:

Madagascar 3

Can we all agree that the only redeemable parts from the first two movies were the parts where King Julien was hilarious? Not that I’m not a fan of incessant pointless talking and the EXTREMELY awkward section of the movies where a Giraffe is in love with a Hippo but… Oh wait yeah I’m not a huge fan of that and I hope I never watch this movie…. I’m sorry King Julien…

Movie That Probably Made Me a Better Person:

Amazing Spiderman.

No seriously. You know what I learned from Amazing Spiderman? That sometimes you’ve got to enjoy a movie. Sure I could debate the finer points of Tobey McGuire (I spell his name differently every time so if that’s not right just wait for it to come around again) vs. Andrew Garfield. Or Gwen Stacy vs. Mary Jane but ya know what? I don’t want to. I just want to relax and watch a movie. So there world!!

Movie I Surprisingly Didn’t Watch: 

Dark Shadows.

I was really excited about this movie originally but… I don’t know. Maybe it was the horrendous reviews or the fact that I feel like I’ve already seen Johnny Depp play this character or the fact that it seems to be less of a “Hey here’s a cool idea for a movie” and more of a “So what movie can we make that has Johnny being weird in it?”

Movie I Unsurprisingly Didn’t Watch:

What To Expect When You’re Expecting.

Hey look, it’s a ridiculously generic movie that I can’t relate to which stars a bunch of people I sort of hate!!! yay…

Let me just post the movie synopsis from IMDB:

A look at love through the eyes of five interconnected couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby, and ultimately coming to understand the universal truth that no matter what you plan for, life doesn’t always deliver what’s expected.

Ha ha ha…. That’s probably the funniest thing I will ever post.

Real Life Version of a Disney Character That Horrified Me The Most:

This person.

SOOOO creeped out.

Man Who Scared Me The most:

Bane.

Say what you want about Tom Hardy’s mask and not being able to really hear what he was saying but… man… the guy was horrifying.

And a return from last years column:

Pleasantest Surprise:

The Avengers

Here’s the thing. I really like Josh Whedon, I also really like Thor, Iron-man and the Hulk. I tolerate Captain America. But when was the last really good super-hero mashup movie that you watched? If you answered “never” you win. Honestly I was way too afraid The Avengers was going to be terrible to be too excited about it but then… well then it was awesome. And I believed in love again.

Best Movie of the Summer:

Ohhh… yeah I can’t call it. I’m sorry… my heart is not strong enough. Dark Knight Rises, Avengers… this song goes out to both of you. May I one day own you on DVD….

Goodbye Summer… I knew ye not well enough…

*Sings softly into the full moon*

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Comments
  1. Jon Fremont says:

    What Anne Hathaway movie are you talking about? (Guessing Les Miserables)

    • Micah says:

      That would be Dark Knight Rises! Excited for “Les Mis” though (cause cool Broadway people apparently can’t be bothered to say the entire name of a production)

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