Micah’s History of Everything: The Dark Age

Posted: August 14, 2012 by Micah in A History of Everything

Micah’s History of Everything: The Dark (or middle) Age.

Moving on from the Cave typed sort of sortiness that we were discussing last time, let’s talk about the Dark Ages. The Dark Age was when the sun (after years of faithful never wavering service) took its second honeymoon and abandoned the earth entirely for a whole Age. (The sun’s first honeymoon was during the Ice Age and (according to people who forget the Mayans probably just got bored) plans to renew its vows later this year.) Anyway, aside from the large presence of Darkness and what can only accurately be described as a “General putrid smell” here’s what made the Dark Age the wonderful period of hatred and bigotry that we know today.

In the Dark Ages everything looked like this.

Important Inventions:

Most of the inventions invented during the Dark Ages had to do with killing your fellow dark aged bretheren. Deadly horrible inventions like Steel Swords, Catapults, and the Teletubbies (armored edition). Beneficial inventions could mostly be summed up in the words of legendary Dark Aged philosopher Phil the Farmer who said “Well… I invented ‘not starving yesterday.” And when reached for further comment a week later “I invented ‘mostly not starving’ yesterday.” He was unable for comment the day after.

Fashion:

The Dark Ages had a wide range of fashions which mostly ranged from “Deliriously uncomfortable” too “life threateningly dangerous.” The most obvious example of the latter being suits of armor that were worn by knights or anyone with a predisposition towards being whacked with pointy things (those without said predisposition were mostly whacked with pointy things anyway). Knights (while mostly sword proof) were also susceptible to dangers such as: severe drowning, being cooked inside their own armor, and falling prey to roving Steel Drum bands.

In the “deliriously uncomfortable” category we have two distinct groups. One being the peasants who were deliriously uncomfortable because their clothes were comprised of eighty percent dirt, ten percent vegetables, and ten percent “old clothes we stole off a dead body.” The second being noblewomen who wore things like this:

Pictured: Elizabeth the First in her “throwback to the Dark Age” gear.

And had to try and be mildly attractive while doing it, for fear of being murdered by their husbands.

Sports:

The peasants of the Dark ages were not the sort of people to participate in “games” as we think of them today. No, their lives were far too tragic for such frivolities, but being the stalwart sort of dark agey people that they were they made the best out of their horrible, bad, pustule filled situations by participating in games like “Survive the Plague” “bury Mr. MacGuvron before he becomes infectious” and “witch burning.”

The upper classes of the Dark ages were actually known to participate in actual sports that we have today!! Sports like “tennis” “croquette” and “witch burning.”

Fine Dining:

Ba ha ha ha. “Fine Dining” in the dark ages was like “successful small business’” today: largely legendary and involving a surprising amount of dead quail.

The Economy:

The Economy in the middle ages ran on an intricate complicated system commonly referred to as “who has the sharpest swords?” The tide of this system ebbed and flowed like the whims of an elderly manitee and were regularly worked around by the bartering system. The bartering system worked on a scale of mutual agreement and profit. For instance: If Ben the farmer had carrots and Jill the farmer had lettuce the two could work out an amicable trade that would benefit both parties. Or (in modern terms) if Jill has a DVD copy of Catwoman starring Halle Berry and Ben has an industrial strength shredder the two could work out a similarly amicable trade.

The World of Art:

Studies have shown that some artists were actually working together to create beautiful paintings of the world around them. Of course, given that the world around them could accurately be described by the words “mud, mud, mud, carcass, cesspool” It’s probably best that very little of their art is readily available on the one google image search I did.

The World of Film:

Another quite period for film (the whole “darkness” thing was viewed as a major downer) but the Dark Ages have inspired more movies then probably any other historical period that I can think of right now if I don’t think too hard about it. This is because the film industry tends to “romanticize” the Dark Ages period by adding heaps and heaps of swords, lies and hot women to them. In reality women of this period were rarely equipped with such modern beauty products as makeup, hair stylists, and teeth.

The Dark Age: It looked nothing like this.

In Conclusion:

The end of the Dark Ages was a time that many people celebrated as a blossoming opportunity for the advancement of mankind, though not as many as you might think as large portions of the population were either dead, dying, or really really dead. As we head foreword into the bright Da Vinci filled area always remember the sacrifices and struggles faced by me as I wrote about all those people dying. Thank you, and good night.

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