Keeping score… I think

Posted: August 9, 2012 by Micah in Randomnicity, Sports
Tags: , , , , , ,

There are two things in this world that I am terrible at. Okay so a lot more than two but two important ones (other things I am terrible at: being a Unicorn, reciting long passages from The Diary of Anne Frank, and being bad at everything else). The two important things I am bad at are: grammar (something you are all intimately familiar with) and Math. Thusly, and hithermore, keeping score has always been one of my least favorite things ever. And thus we have this blog post.

The Olympics:

Oh Olympics, the sleep I have lost to you in the last week and a half. Ya know what the problem is with the Olympics? It’s like eating pringles. There’s always that “just one more” mentality. “Oh it’s the men’s 110 meter hurdles?? I don’t really care but… I mean it won’t take that long so… I’ll watch just one more race.” And so on and so on. Before you know it its 11:45 and you’re watching Women’s Long Jump, which is potentially the least entertaining thing on television since The View.

“Oh the View is on?? Hang on a sec I’m just gonna go savage my brain with this spatula. I’ll be back.”

A couple of Random Olympic notes before I talk about that thing I said I was going to talk about… that I don’t remember anymore…

The difference between Men’s and Women’s Hurdles is hilarious. Women jump over the hurdles with grace and speed like super stressed out Gazelle’s being chased by rush hour traffic… or lions.  If a women hits a hurdle she is definitely slowed and more likely than not taking a one way trip towards Failure Junction with a stop at Your-face-in-pavement Boulevard. It takes a ton of skill. Men hurdlers… male hurdlers? Whatever. Men who jump over hurdles don’t jump over them as much as they jump through them. I mean the guy who won the gold medal in hurdling knocked over two hurdles and that was probably the least of anyone in his race. You know how many hurdles the women’s gold medalist knocked over?? None. I think just to make things more interesting we should start sharpening the tops of the hurdles. That way there would be some additional incentive for the men to actually ya know… hurdle them.

“Oh we were supposed to jump OVER them… that explains a lot”

I have no idea how long jumping is supposed to be entertaining. I’m not saying it’s not hard, I mean these people are jumping ridiculous amounts of feets; I’m just saying that it’s not exactly super entertaining. I mean maybe once or twice but each jumper gets 5 tries. Plus I have no idea at which part of the crater left in the sand the measurements are actually taken. I mean people literally win this competition by millimeters and the measurements are taken from four foot construction excavations left in the sand… I don’t understand it. I think just to make things more interesting we should only give everyone one jump and replace the sand with one of those ball pits from McDonalds, that way measuring would be even more confusing and we could all catch horrible diseases from the snot nosed little TB incubators that we’re in there before us!

Long jump: It’s exactly as much fun as it looks.

Okay now… what was I talking about before that?? Oh oh right keeping score.

Ya know what I miss? 10’s. I’ve talked at semi-length about Gymnastics this year but one of the other sports I like watching is diving… wow I sound boring huh?… hang on.

One of the other sports I like watching, while I do pull-ups, is diving. And do you know (Microsoft word is getting tired of “ya” so I’m trying to give it a few sentences off) how they keep score in diving? Actual numbers. Things like: 8, 8.5, 4, 3, and Ticonderoga. And do you know what a great score is in diving? 10. And a bad score? 3. I appreciate that; I can look at a score from a diver and automatically know how it compared to someone else’s. Assuming I can see the numbers around my huge, bulging, muscular, biceps that is.

In London the judges get their private little cubbie holes. I guarantee you at last two of the people in this picture are asleep.

And dost thou know how they keep score in gymnastics? Yeah, me neither. Gymnastics uses a numerical system that several leading judges came up with while completely wasted on pixie sticks and Alka-Seltzer. Do you know what McKayla Maroney’s score on her now legendary vault that may or may not have revolutionized the lives of millions of tiny girl typed children? A 16.233. And are you aware of what that means? Me neither. But here let me turn things over to my cousin Dorky Billy who will know explain it to you in a heinously boring way.

Well Micah, Gymnastics scores are based not a crude numerical one through ten score, but rather on a sophisticated mathematical system that takes the skill required and the precision with which that skill is performed and allows it to…

I’m back. Sorry. He had to be killed. Apparently Gymnastics is based on a numerical system only understood by people who have advanced degrees in calculus, who are now minus one nerdy relation to me. Sorry about that guys.

But hey that’s gymnastics. I sort of semi-understand why it has to be complicated. It’s the Olympics, you don’t want to mess up. Though somehow you ended up with two different gymnasts having the exact same score TWICE, and a girl who won a tie breaker because she fell off a balance beam horribly but did mostly okay in everything else but hey, who am I to question your giant brains.

Somehow the term “thinly veiled hatred” seems grossly inadequate.

Ya know what other sport has a heinously complicated scoring system?? (Sorry Word) Bowling.

This week me, my wife, and two very good friends of ours (or my wife, my friends, and I if you’re keeping score at home, alone, without any friends) decided to grace the lanes of our local bowling alley with our own graceful graciness. Now, I am fairly decent at bowling… that’s kind of insulting right? I mean if you can say “Man I’m good at bowling” you should probably just stop talking right? Bowling is one of those sports where if you’re really bad at it, it’s probably better for you in the long run. Sure you don’t win any bowling games but you’re probably winning at life a lot more than the guy who beat you. Anyway though… does anyone at all in the world understand how bowling actually tallies up the numbers? Or do we all just rely completely on the mechanized scory machine thing that does the math for us?

Because it’s not just: “I knocked over six pins, I have six points!!” No, no, no. Put your bowling shoes on little one and let me tell you a story of Math. Cause there’s something that has to do with getting a strike and having it still count towards your points for the previous round, which is good. And then there’s getting a spare which is not as good as getting a strike but does mean you still get to bowl on the previous round and gives you the opportunity to “strike a spare” or “spare a strike” both of which are good but not as good as “striking a strike” though they would both make much better band names.

And then there’s the infamous “round 10” (the best band name yet) in which you can (I think) keep bowling forever if you get a strike everytime… which sounds like some sort of ancient Greek Judgement doesn’t it?

“Then verily Zeus condemned Palinous too bowl for the rest of eternity, scoring a strike upon round ten so that he was never able to actually win a game.”

And then there’s the fact that the computer regularly withholds the current score from you as it waits for the “strike to factor in” or “the spare to be completed” or “the cows to come home.”

And no Wii bowling does not count. Ever.

If I ever work in a bowling alley I’m gonna start making up scores arbitrarily and sticking them on the scoreboard just to see how many people actually catch on.

“Wow Mom you knocked over two pins the entire game and somehow ended up with 400 points… oh well. That’s bowling for you!!”

And that is this blog for you! Basically a long explanation of why I am WAY too lazy to keep actual score of what I’m doing.  Thanks for reading and we’ll see you next week!

  1. lbkirsop says:

    oh Micah, Micah, Micah . . . Gymnastics makes perfect sense. They start out with various difficulty scores (the higher the better) and as they make mistakes corresponding amounts are deducted. The highest at the end wins (but you knew that) . . . But I know you care less. Hahaa . . . 😉 Nevertheless, you’re posts always make me laugh.

  2. Just so you can put one question to rest, long jump is scored from the back of the 4ft crater they make. So if a jumper puts his hand down behind him, the back of his hand is the mark.
    Agreed, scores are much more fun in 10s.

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